Moonlight,
   I cleared out some of the messages in my mailbox (didn't realize my mailbox was full until I logged into it today to comment on your post and saw the warning), so I should be able to get your message now.

   The anger.  Sigh.  I have yet to let it go completely, but at least these days it surfaces infrequently.  I tried to use the anger to propel me forward, out of the marriage, out of the diminished and traumatized sense of self that was the result of life with my now-ex.  It was useful during the divorce, I have to say.  It kept me from being taken advantage of, and helped me to push back against the entitlement of my spouse, who thought he could dictate how we would split our marital assets (although he left it to me to file, and didn't get an attorney of his own), and got nasty when I didn't just roll over and agree to his terms.  

I spent most of the first six years of my 60s immersed in my now-ex's drama, and the last half of my 60s, after the divorce, caring for my mother, who died just over a year ago.  I do have to say that having my mother's needs to care for elbowed out other considerations, and time did its work, too.  Which is not to say that I no longer feel anger.  
 
 Now my anger comes along the lines of the injustice of his going off to live the life he wanted to live, unencumbered by any sense of remorse, no consequences for him, while my life and life plans were completely upended, and I am unlikely, at my age, to find another partnership, even if I want one.  

One way I defused my anger was to consider that his fall down the trans rabbit hole was similar to joining a cult.  (I distinguish between having gender dysphoria, with which I sympathize, and wholesale embrace of gender ideology, which is full of such delusional ideas as we can change sex, or that one can be "in the wrong body," or that males can be lesbians.)  Maybe it's a form of radical acceptance, meaning not that I learned to "accept" transgenderism, but that I had to realize and accept that he had, and that everything he said or did (or didn't say or do) followed from that.  Maybe it's a form of what Chump Lady (who runs an infidelity blog--my ex also brought an ex-student into his "experimentation") calls "trust that they suck."  That is, I stopped expecting consideration and remorse, and realized no apology or thanks would ever be forthcoming, and that his many, many lapses and cruelties (standing in front of me naked and saying "I hate my penis and balls swinging between my legs," deliberately to wound me) were simply one more piece of evidence that he "sucks."  Once I stopped asking "How could he ...." as if he were capable of perceiving how "off" his behavior was, and started seeing each such instance as yet one more piece of evidence, I stopped tying myself in knots over his failure to be empathetic, understanding, etc.   As much as it hurts you to accept it, he really doesn't think you have a right to be upset.  This narcissism that overcomes them is matched only by their feelings of entitlement--and their blame of us.  I always said my husband was never more masculine than when he was insisting he was a woman ("toxic masculinity" is a great descriptor).  

Cohabiting with him while legally separated, seeing his fetish gear (that's how I think of those ridiculous get-ups of theirs), and feeling uncomfortable over his moving into your daughter's bedroom (you are right to be uncomfortable about this--I have a similar story I could share; a fixation on "girlhood" is not uncommon with these men, or a desire to be in women's/girls' spaces), must be so very difficult for you.  Your anger is in part no doubt a coping device--and better than sinking into depression.  

There's more in your posts to respond to, but I'll leave things here for now--this is already long.

Elle: 
I hope the settlement will give you some financial and emotional peace of mind for the future.
I'm so sorry about your grandson!  The younger generation is the most "in your face" about their "right" to be women (young male aggression fueling that, no doubt!), and New Zealand, like the US, is behind England and the Scandinavian countries in waking up to the damage "affirmation only" has done to its youth (and to women--Yay you for joining the women's rights political party!).  

 

Rob,

Yes, righteous anger.  Anger has its uses, if we can learn to direct it to a needful purpose.  

 Thanks for the good wishes!  I do have my own safe place now.  A couple of months ago I bought and moved into a lovely old Craftsman/Prairie Style home in a neighborhood where I already knew some of the folks living here.  Now the only disharmony in my home is that which I bring in myself, so I am striving for serenity and peace. 

I hope you, and your children, too, are doing well.  

I feel the same being connected to all of you!

OOHC, good to see you back here!