Hi everyone,  I wanted to update you about the last few whirlwind months. My now ex-wife asked for a divorce on Aug 12. She expected to keep everything the same--have me take care of the kids everyday so she could get to work and still live here in our house. I asked her to leave. In response, she forced a quick sale of our house (God, that really hurt emotionally and financially). She also threatened to pursue full custody unless I dropped any demand for child support (I stayed strong on that). We got divorced on Dec 11. The holidays were horrible. This entire time--going back to the initial disclosure--she has been putting all the focus on my reactions and demonizing me. She says that I made her feel horrible and I should instead be happy for her. She said it doesn't make sense than any of my friends and family are mad at her unless I manipulated her. She wants me to "change the narrative" so that everyone knows that she was honest, forthcoming, and made the right decision. It's been hell. I am at a point where I am trying to save my kids from the pain so we are working together as co-parents. My heartbreak has not dissipated but I decided to forgive her in terms of my actions and words. I have never felt so alone and rejected.

So sorry this is happening to you!
Not sure if this helps, but things will get better.
Try finding friends, relatives or a therapist to vent to.
Hang in there, we understand how you must feel.

Thank you! It feels like such a relief to hear from people who actually understand...day-to-day I feel like I'm the crazy person.

I can vouch for the narc behaviors. I ended up in a relationship with one of these people 10 years after their divorce. Yep - still at it. Destroyed his marriage when his kid was 2 years old, and portrayed it to me, as the divorce happened because his child was so difficult to care for. (Yes, he blamed his divorce on his kid). Played the victim to the hilt.  And he was the most reputable, nice guy in our community. Portrayed his ex wife as “greedy” and subtly laid the foundation of a story of her just trying to milk the situation for all it was worth. At the time of the divorce, he also subtly spread claims that she was unstable mentally (because of child care stress), which eventually led to her losing her 3 figure salary career and not being hired for the next decade in our community.

I thought I had met Mr Wonderful, and bought the victim story hook, line, and sinker. You would think he would just move on and lead a gay life, but he just couldn’t help himself and decided to (10 years later) continue to mess with me. Imagine my surprise when I found that in the time between myself and his divorce, he had a 7 year emotional, love affair with a man who was a supervisor over his ex wife, and colleague of mine. The stories were intricate, elaborate, and so well crafted, there was almost no way to distinguish them from truth. Don’t underestimate the little ways in which you may be diminished and undercut by all this. I witnessed a woman completely lose her career, and her son. Will never forget the idea that the deception also was very much within him, it had become everyone’s truth.

First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this.  It is a very confusing place to be when you love someone completely and then all of a sudden have the rug pulled out from under you.  I was in a spot sort of like yours--had been with my first love for 24 years, married 19 when we separated (he is trans).  We were best friends, soul mates, had been through so much together.  I never thought that there would be a future without him.  But, life had other plans.  We, too, went through therapy and there was a period where the physical intimacy radically increased.  At first, I tried my best to support him--took him shopping, did his makeup, told him it would be ok, etc.  But then I had a nervous breakdown.  I realized that I was sacrificing myself and my happiness for him and the marriage (something I had done basically throughout the whole marriage before the gender issues).  

I'm not saying that you two won't be able to make it work.  I just see a lot of the same patterns that happened to me.  Finally, I had to stop and really think about myself--being in that marriage (that had other problems as well) was affecting me horribly mentally, physically, and emotionally.  He needed to be free to find himself, and I needed to realize that my happiness mattered too.  The person I knew was gone...the life I had was gone...  

Take your time.  This is not a decision to make lightly.  For me, it was a multi-year process.  We did marriage counseling and then five years later things really bad again.  The first time around, I felt that I had to try.  The second time, I knew that I had given it my best and that it just wasn't going to work.  Should I have left 5 years ago?  Maybe.  But I know I would have always doubted myself.  Now, I can walk away with more reassurance that I did what I could have and that I made the right decision.

Good luck!