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November 19, 2016 3:02 pm  #1


So , here it is, more than a year of angst. Always denies and flips out when accused. Signs and non-signs suspect here:
* few friends, mostly online, men. No interaction with them, as they are in diff cities. (USA is a large place and this is other side of the states)
* deletes web history daily. 
* says he is effeminate, not gay. Though not the typical 'effiminate type", does appear soft natured. 
* says he used to masturbate often but rarely gay scenes, but says he managed to get off on it.
* doesnt interact normally with men, says he is uncomfortable and feel more at home with women. (which he is)
* has offered strap on activity and says it's all about the prostate.
* thought he may be trans, very 'female" in many ways.
*no absence, such as secret excursions
* says male bodies disgust him , sweat etc

Advice needed, experiences. thanks


November 19, 2016 5:26 pm  #2


sounds like he may be transgender.

does not sound straight.

personally speaking i have promised, no make that Promised myself that I will never again ever have a relationship with anyone where I am not able to ask a question and get an answer I can understand.

all the best, Lily


November 19, 2016 6:57 pm  #3


"deletes web history daily" - that is never a good sign in any relationship. It suggests there is something he is hiding from you. Is there anything else he hides or prevents you from seeing such as a smart phone?

You mentioned he is not interacting with men due to distance but that's just physical. Even online one can still interact visually or through audio/text. Maybe he's interacting with other trans or trans-questioning men, trying to figure himself out? Hard to say and he may be very worried about how you will react so he's treading very carefully.

I'm not sure what to tell you except to talk to as many people that might understand the position you are in so you can make some informed choices.

Best Wishes and check in for more replies and have a read on some of the other threads here.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

November 20, 2016 9:46 am  #4


If trans, Autogynephilia. Read Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen" and look up Anne Lawrence.  Your husband does seem to be showing classic signs: body dysmorphia (male bodies "disgust" him); prefers women and their activities (likes to engage in activities designated for women); adopting or showing "feminine" gestures or other behaviors (what you call "effeminate"); and wants to be "penetrated" ("offered strap-on activity"), penetration for autogynephilic men defining the quintessential female experience.


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