Thought I'd wait for 1 year separation "anniversary" but I feel like sharing today. 

First of all, I want to thank you all, so much, for being here and being so honest. I don't wish this on anyone, but boy am I grateful to have you all here with me. I also apologise for (secretly) judging some of you at the beginning of my journey here for "taking so long" to get over your grief. I was arrogant, naive and definitely in denial enough to think I will kick my grief's butt in no time. 

I always look at things from this perspective: Life gave me this situation, what can I gain from this? What can I learn? How can this make me a better person? How can this open my heart? How does this help me be more free and more authentic? What can I give to others because I had to go through this? 

I am not religious, and I don't like to use the word "spiritual" because it has been misused so much. But I act mostly from my heart, and I live for honest exchange with other people. 

My grief is not over, but I look at it now as one small part of my life which I didn't figure out yet, like I chore I still have to do and don't feel like doing because I don't know how to.  I cry rarely, maybe once a month or two months, but also every time I see my ex. And I am a cryer, it has always been my outlet and my relief, it always helped me relax and accept.
I am living in  awareness that we are not together and never will be again. I miss him sometimes, and what hits me the hardest is that I miss being so close to someone, and having someone who is there for me 100%. Most of the days I don't feel this closeness, it's buried somewhere inside me. And then a nice memory comes, and I feel it like I am still living and having it, and that is when I fall apart.  
I also learned to turn my grief into giving my honest self to others. I adore my job, and it includes me spending time with a lot of people. I don't them my story, but this story made me even more human, empathetic, open and honest. Life kicked my butt, but the energy i sometimes used to waste on acting how I thought one should act in some situations  (for example being polite when you're not feeling it) shifted into being more direct, less polite but more kind. 
I also had to learn how to deal with many "grown up" things I never dealt with when I was with him. And I am 45. But in many aspects of life I acted like a helpless child and relied on my ex to help me with them (which honestly, he did throughout our whole relationship, bless him, he should have kicked my butt -no pun intended).

So, it's like this: my life is much much better. I am more my self than I have ever been, and i am stronger than I have ever been. I spend my days mostly cheerful, have much more energy. And this all happened because I had to learn how to deal with life on my own. I would have never achieved this if I had stayed with him. And he wasn't to blame for my weakness, it's just how I functioned with him. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn't deal with my weaknesses earlier in life, but then I stop wondering because the question "why" is the pointless one. 
So, I gained myself out of my heartbreak, and that means everything to me. 

There is an older thread on this forum titled "My biggest fear..." I bumped it short time ago. Maybe I'll also post this there. My biggest fear was, and sometimes still is, that this story will define me, define my life, and stay with me like a stain which can't be washed out. But when I am in my middle, I know it won't, because this is not who I am. I always strive to be better, to accept, to let go. And when the grief hits me I try to get the feeling back of the most important thing I believe, and that is that none of us own another person, and we should't. I can still love this person, but he doesn't have to be mine. He should be free to live his needs and desires, as I should too. And these thought calm me down. 

Hugs and love to all of you. It means so much to have you here, and to have this space. I read all of the posts from some of you and you give me strength. My heart breaks at every story, and as much as I hate seeing new people logging in because I know the pain, I am happy that they at least found this space that will give them support and help them heal.