It's hard to have a relationship with a person you no longer can trust, and when the anger eventually comes ( once the shock wears off ) you are correct in saying "the good relationship we used to have is probably never going to come back", The best you may be able to do is co-parent and try hard to be civil, if you have children. Otherwise, do as Blackie563 above said and FOCUS ON YOU, and YOUR future without her. It takes time, and its really grief, only the person is not dead and society will NOT give you any sympathy for THIS situation especially! Glad you found this site, it's the only place anyone can understand what you are going through. Give yourself grace and put one foot in front of the other day by day, eventually it gets better.

Hi

We are still living together at the moment while we let the idea of separation sink in and start to talk about practicalities of what we're going to have to do. I am still struggling with this adjustment and only really think I'm just getting over the shock of everything. It often doesn't feel real that this is even happening as we still get on as well as we ever have. Weirdly we can feel closer than we have in a long while, probably because we are both grieving together at the moment. I know that I will have to let go at some point, I just can't quite bring myself to do it yet. The only times I feel happy at the moment is when we are together. When I'm alone it feels too overwhelming thinking about how my life is going to be without her and I'm going to be alone again. It doesn't feel like I'll ever want to do this again with someone who isn't her, I really don't think I'll ever bother again. I'm in a battle between my head that knows this is the right thing to do now and my heart that is breaking and can't fully let go of the person I love more than anyone. I hope this will get easier with time and some more space between us, it just can still often feel impossible right now

Comfortable_Move wrote:

Hi 
I have recently posted my story in this forum. It seems like now my wife and I are at the same point of understanding around our situation and that neither of us can be the person the other wants in a relationship anymore. We both know that trying to keep going in something that we both know we can't give the other person is only going to lead to bitterness and resentment. I know that we will always remain best friends and will always be in each others lives one way or another and we don't want to ruin this with unrealistic hope for a relationship that neither of us can give the other. She has come to understand more about herself and sexuality and has more certainty around where her true identity lies. She doesn't see her future with a man anymore and she has sexual attraction to women she didn't know she had until more recently. But she also thinks now that she won't ever be able to get to a point of happiness without fully exploring everything and at least knowing she has tried everything to answer all the questions she can. As we don't want an open marriage, this is likely to mean the end of it. We want to keep everything we do still have in the relationship as we are still best friends and part of each other's families. So we are trying to see this as redefining our relationship so we can love each other in the right way now and not try to force things that can't change. 

It is just very hard to deal with and coming to realise that the good relationship we used to have is probably never going to come back now and we can't be that person for each other any more and that the future I thought I had no longer exists. I think she forgets that she's been thinking about these things for a much longer time that I have and so I'm still playing catch up. 

Just want to see if anyone has had any experience of anything similar. 

Thanks

Oh my gosh you summed up exactly where I feel my relationship is going. He came out as autogynephilic, potentially trans, definitely bi, and is exploring what this means for him and how he will move forward. We're best friends - always have been, always planning to be- regardless if we stay married or not. I'm trying to approach it the same way- we both want to stay in each others' lives, it's just renegotiating in what capacity. Realizing that I'm not necessarily losing him entirely seems to lessen the pain, albeit marginally. I feel like we're so much closer now, too. Still laughing and joking around and finding the most comforting companionship with each other. He considers my family his own (his is transphobic/homophobic although they don't know about our situation yet) and I want him to maintain his close relationship with my siblings and their partners. I hear you and feel a similar pain knowing the future I imagined together is gone. I don't think I could love anyone like I love him again. It hurts deeper than I could've imagined - woulda been easier if one of us was unfaithful but we're just two people who care too much about each other to let an unfulfilling romantic relationship continue. He's miles ahead in wrapping his head around the situation and I'm still playing catch up, too.

Just wanted to chime in and say I hear you. I'm in a similar place. I know we can get through this. It is incredibly hard
 

Hi,

While our situations are not exactly the same (my ex finally admitted that she is trans (mtf) and started to accept it), there is a lot of similarities.  My ex fought being trans for years, said she didn't want to be this way, didn't understand it, etc. whereas I was like it is what it is.  We tried to work together for a long time--years actually--to find compromises while she went on her journey of denial.  Finally, it became very evident from my side that it wasn't going to work.  The best way to describe it is that I had a Harry Potter moment--I realized that like Harry and Voldemort "neither could live as long as the other survived".  I would never be happy with a wife and she would never be happy staying because she would always see how much the transition would hurt me and that would hurt her to a point.

Last year, I finally said we needed to separate and then that shifted into I want a divorce.  Like you, I wanted to stay friends.  However, I have found that with time and space (I moved back to my home state, she stayed in our married state) I have found that not to be true anymore.  I was able to clearly see that there were other problems in the marriage besides her dysphoria.  Also, I realized that for my own sanity and moving forward, I needed to cut ties.  Right now, we only communicate via text (I have no desire to hear her feminine voice), and I honestly don't know if I have any desire to establish a friendship.  I don't wish her any harm, but I have no desire to hear about how great her new life is.  Her problems are no longer my problems.  It's weird to think that the person who was my best friend, my soulmate, is no more than just an acquaintance anymore and I'm ok with that.  The person that I thought I could not live without is just another person now. 

Never in a million years did I think that I would feel like I do now...and that's not a bad thing.  I realize that I am much happier as my life is now, even with all of the scary things in it.  I always hate when people would tell me to have grace with myself, so instead I will say to just have patience.  You will have bad days. You will have great days.  Remember, we all only have one life and now the focus needs to shift from an "us" to just yourself.  It seems weird to do, ,especially if you had thought differently for a while, but it can be done.  And never feel guilty if you need to pull away from your ex.  You need to do what you need to do for yourself, as she has already done.  I give you a lot of credit for being able to admit what reality is and seeing that it isn't what you wanted but it is what needs to be done.  That is a huge step right there.

Reach out privately if you ever want to chat.