My comments are in red. 
Welcome to our Forum Emerald  

emeraldsong wrote:

On December 26, my husband of 21+ years disclosed to me that he has realized that he is gay.  He had only realized it a week or so before that was who he was/is.  I don't believe he's only realised this "a week or so ago" He has admitted it to you but certainly knew about it, felt it, long before this. He has not cheated on me, and he has not used porn. Whether he's cheated or watched porn is irrelevant in my opinion  We are both Christians with a strong and real faith. He has told me that he still loves me and wants to stay married to me. Do you want to be married to a gay man? We have two children 18 yrs and 14 yrs.  There is no abuse of any kind in our relationship. Keeping his true sexuality from you can be seen as emotional abuse. This goes deep to the core of the bond you thought you had solely with your husband. Now you've learnt he has thoughts of others. How does it make you feel?

I feel that my life has been upended, dumped in a blender and someone pushed puree.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I am sick to my stomach and I have no appetite.  Sleep happens when I am so exhausted that my body cannot stay awake.  I call this the Mindfuck. It does your head in at the beginning....the crying, the loss of appetite, the no sleep while you get your thoughts straight, find support, and accept that this is nothing to do with anything you did, but a dynamic from your husband.

He is almost giddy and euphoric about this discovery.  He understands that I am not feeling the same.  He knows that I am mourning and processing this.  He is trying to be supportive of me during this time and yet he did not realize how much it would hurt me. He knew how much it would hurt you, and he will no doubt do everything he can to not upset the life he has with you because he will be expecting you to keep his secret, for you to be okay with this. He understands that if he were to go out and act on this new information, it would be cheating.  He has said that he has no intention of seeking a relationship or sex outside of our marriage. So this man of 20+ years....who you thought you knew, who says he is not sexually attracted to you.....do you believe him when he says he'll never cheat?

I do love him very much and I know that he is not lying when he says that he loves and cares for me.  He just in not sexually attracted to me very much.  I want to try to make our relationship work. A man coming out as bisexual/gay is like a bomb going off. When the dust clears nothing looks the same, will never be the same. I really think these men live on another planet, in a fantasy world where everything is to their advantage and nothing they do is wrong, they simply have to say "I don't love you like I should but you love me so...."
I am so afraid --
   --  afraid that if he enters the LGBTQ+ community -- even the Christian LGBTQ+ community that he will find a     
            man and that they will fall in love.  Then, I will be left alone with no one. Better no-one than a man with a secret you have to keep.
 --   afraid that I will end up with no faith community to support me while everyone is busy supporting him. There must be plenty of faith communities who will support a straightspouse, just not one he belongs to.
--   afraid that our love and care for each other will not be enough to sustain our marriage Yeah do you actually want to be in a marriage where you're not cherished the way you should be?
 --  afraid that I am undesirable The only thing "undesirable is the attitude of the man you married
--   afraid that we will work hard to rebuild our marriage and then he will say, "nope this is not enough for me" Chances are if you did try to work it out you would be giving  him all the power while leaving you with none. This changes our lives in ways you would not believe. But the life of the straightspouse can become even better when we take back the power these men have over us. To do that you have to have support because you can't do this alone. Have you confided in anybody close to you about this?

I am afraid.  I am grieving.  I am lost.

Elle
 

emeraldsong,

Elle answered some of your points very well.    Definitely read the first aid thread.   I bargained with myself for a bit saying I was ok with a cheating wife and all it did was make me sick both pysically and emotionally. Definitely not how someone that loves you should treat you.     That I loved her meant absolutely nothing..her and her girlfriend had several derogatory names for me.   

Your fears are legitimate and not something you should ever have to think..Yes definitely read the first aid thread..know that you are work more than your husband can comprehend.    

Last edited by Rob (December 30, 2023 9:58 am)

Dutchman wrote:

To me these last reactions sound like a lot of generalizations with little regard of what OP actually told about her specific situation. Maybe people should be aware of that fact or at least consider that,

 

I know you and I have differing views on MOMs  but I'm a little offended at your use of the word generalisations to describe my advice to Emerald. My response to her, a woman whose husband has admitted he's gay, comes from a straightspouse (me) whose bisexual partner admitted to liking the thought of fucking/being fucked by a man so I can only suppose that you call them generalisations because I'm not pussy-footing around the subject and advising Emerald to be understanding and kind as you yourself might. She, and her husband (whose told her he's gay) may very well want to save the marriage but this is the Support board and last time I looked it was for the straightspouse, not the lgbtq spouse so all my focus is on Emerald, not the man she married. 
Edited to add.....Emerald knows she has the option of the MOM board for the opposing viewpopint

Elle
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (December 30, 2023 1:14 pm)

emeraldsong wrote:

I feel that my life has been upended, dumped in a blender and someone pushed puree.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I am sick to my stomach and I have no appetite.  Sleep happens when I am so exhausted that my body cannot stay awake.  

I went through the same thing.  I now know that these are symptoms of trauma, and absolutely require medical treatment.  You will not recover by "getting over it" and "being a good supportive wife."  You will not feel better if you think about raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.