The first thing you need to do is to find someone, other than your spouse, to talk to about this. This is traumatic. If you have access to personal counseling, please do so. If not, use one of the official channels to Our Path - email or phone. They may know of resources near you that you can draw upon. There's also a world of experience here that you can use. Trusted, non-judgemental friends and family might also be useful.

There's a pinned thread created here that we call the First Aid Kit. Not all of it might be applicable to you but some things seem to happen to us all. You can find it here - https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

It is normal to experience conflicting and rapidly changing emotions when this sort of thing happens. Bargaining and looking for a magic wand or a "Hail Mary" play is also common. So is the wish that it could be forgotten about or she could just change her mind. Many of us don't like sudden change and this is a big one.

From personal experience, I think couples counseling is for those who both want to put in the work to piece something back together again. Such as rebuilding a broken trust. If either party isn't really there, it's doomed to fail.

Another thing we often overlook, our spouses can be way ahead of us. Some have known this about themselves for a long time and have spent a lot of time thinking about it, and deciding when to tell us. I've noticed right after Christmas, New Years and Valentine's Day seem to be popular choices. I doubt this is some sort of post-Christmas depression reaction.

Although it might feel impossible, there is a life after something like this happens. You can't see it yet, you need to move closer to it. Don't put yourself on a time-table. For now, I would suggest just breath. Gather your thoughts, take some good walks, and, as I said off the top, find someone to talk to.


 

Thank you Daryl,

When I first read your response I hated that you were saying counseling wouldn't help or that it was a hail Mary for things to work out but I think I really needed to hear that. I'm just struggling to get out of denial.

I ended up going to my family's house and staying the night and this morning my wife called me saying she wants to try the best no. She is still certain that she is only interested in girls but she says that she loves me and can't imagine life without me. She wants to consider an open marriage, but I fear that will just essentially be using me as support until she finds someone else and that way she doesn't have to be alone. I'm a bit more pessimistic this time around that there is any possibility of making this work.

But I think I'm going to try the therapy. I'm hoping if nothing else it gives me some level of closure, helps me move on feeling like I did try my hardest for our marriage, and hopefully allow us to end on good terms as she truly is my best friend and I'd hate to lose that because I can't get over the romantic feelings.

Daryl wrote:

 From personal experience, I think couples counseling is for those who both want to put in the work to piece something back together again. Such as rebuilding a broken trust. If either party isn't really there, it's doomed to fail. 

This was my experience

Elle
 

RCElmo wrote:

......She wants to consider an open marriage.......

Been there done that. It smashed my self-esteem and my ability to 
see myself as worthy of better. And it was all because I loved him and 
couldn't imagine being without him. As he became more confident that 
I was okay with it he became less and less interested in interacting with 
other people together and wanted to go out alone, which became unbearable. 

Our r'ship was never the same again. I feel lucky that the lifestyle did not 
drag me down before I decided to get up and rebel against it

Elle
 

Sometimes when they come to us with proposals, they're using carefully crafted "baby steps" to keep things under their control while they use the time to figure out their next steps.  Sometimes words don't mean what you think they mean.