I’ve (F26) been dating my boyfriend (M33) for two and a half years.

About a year ago (2022), I went through his text messages (we’ve both always had full access to each others’ phones) and saw texts from the previous year (two months into our relationship in 2021) where someone sent him nudes and asked if he wanted to meet up. He didn’t answer them but I was upset that he’d had these nudes on his phone for a year; he pictures weren’t saved to his photo gallery or anything but he could open those texts and look at them whenever he wanted. I confronted him about it and he told me he had sex with the girl a long time before he knew me and that when he saw she texted him again he ignored it. At some point during our conversation I looked a bit closer at the nudes and realized the person in the pictures was a pre-op trans woman.

When I asked him about it he broke down crying and told me he’s bisexual and hates himself for it. I spent the rest of the night reassuring him that there’s nothing wrong with being bisexual and I still love him and want to be with him. I’m bisexual myself (I’ve been open about my bisexuality since I can remember) so the idea of dating another bisexual person wasn’t a big deal to me. Over time, I helped him come to terms and get comfortable with his sexuality and this year (2023) he even built up the courage to come out to some of our close friends.

Everything seemed to be handled on that front but we had been struggling with intimacy issues for the majority of our relationship. I had a much higher sex drive than him and because of that I was the one initiating sex 95% of the time. I didn’t think this was anything to be too concerned about because I have a higher sex drive than most people but I was annoyed that he didn’t at least try to initiate sex a little more often, especially after I explained how much his lack of interest in initiating sex made me feel. We would get into arguments about this pretty frequently throughout our relationship. This morning we got into another argument about it. I asked him what he thought the best solution to this problem is and the best answer he could come up with was maybe he could go to therapy to work on his initiation skills. I told him he’s obviously just not attracted to me if it’s to the point where he needs to go to therapy to want to have sex me which led to us having a frank conversation about whether or not he’s actually attracted to me.

I asked him if he was sure he’s bisexual and not just fully gay and he confessed that, in his words, “over the past year I’ve been becoming more and more attracted to men for some reason and now it’s to the point where I’m 75% attracted to men and like 25% attracted to women.” I asked him if it’s going to keep increasing and he said that he’s sure he likes women too, just not as much. I also asked him why his sexual preference changed so drastically over the last year and he said it started with him watching gay porn more often than not and then he started noticing attractive men in public which he hadn’t done before. I thanked him for being honest with me but told him that I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who’s mostly attracted to other men.

We both cried a lot and he tried to convince me to not break up with him, I told him I’m sure about breaking up but really I’m torn. On the one hand, I’m still not convinced that he’s not gay; when I met him he was “straight,” a year later he was “bisexual but mostly into women” and now, another year later, he’s “75% attracted to men and 25% attracted to women.” At this rate, if he’s not gay yet, he will be by next year (joke). And even if this is the last time his sexual preference changes, I don’t know if I’d feel secure in a relationship with someone who’s only 25% attracted to women. On the other hand, we’re literally best friends and we’re still deeply in love with each other… I can’t help feeling like it might be worth it to try and figure this out.

Any advice is welcome.

Last edited by JenGrey (December 15, 2023 7:25 pm)