Sean01 wrote:

I'm going to assume that you're now in your 60s but please feel free to confirm. If this is correct, you can perhaps start by accepting that gay men of your generation routinely married women because there wasn't any alternative. There was actually a term for it: lavendar marriages. And why did closeted gay men marry women? Because they were of a generation where homosexuality was so marginalized, stimatized, and demonized that being "out" simply wasn't an option. I'd suggest reading "Finally Out" by Dr. Loren A. Olsen (now age 78). He writes about his coming out journey in a very hostile world.  


I am only 57 but my Husband was 61.

I had a similar experience. When I came out, I went through something called "gay adolescence" so for several years I was "boy crazy" and largely abandoned my own children. And why? I had all the maturity of a 15-year-old gay teen trapped in a 40+ year-old body so I simply didn't have the mental bandwidth to be a good father. I was too self-centred. While I'd discuss all of this with a qualified therapist, if/when your husband accepted his homosexuality and starting dating/having sex with men, he might have reverted to an adolescent emotional state. There is also the possiblity that he thought he had met "the one" and this new relationship became all consuming. If correct, he was simply incapable of being a good husband and father. Again, this is all speculation. 

His defining characteristic at this time was his completely self-centered existence.  He hadn't always been that way but he was at this time.

Brace yourself. If he could so easily disconnect from you and your children, he probably didn't love you. For years I claimed that I loved my ex-wife. I didn't. I loved the role she played in hiding my homosexuality. I loved her as a beard, not as a wife/partner. Once I had come out to myself and others, I discarded her because she was no longer useful. I know how terribly cold this sounds, however it is the truth. It has taken me years to accept this fact and share it here. I didn't love myself therefore I was totally incapable of loving others. 

I believe this was true of my husband also.  When he basically begged to come back to the family he said "You mean more to me than anything in the world. My appreciation of all that you are and represent to me is greater than the sum of my own existence. You truly are an amazing woman and I realize that more with each passing day."    It was the phrase "REPRESENT TO ME"  That gives this away.  I my way of thinking he didn't represent anything to me.  He was my husband and my children's Father but I never thought of him as "representing" anything!


4. If I live to be 200 years old I don't think I will ever be able understand how someone can feel absolutely nothing for their children?  I can understand falling out of love with a wife but I will never understand him abandoning our sons.  Do you think that was caused by the secret he was keeping or the tumor eating away at his brain?  I know you are not a dr. but I would like your opinion. 

I'd discuss these abandonment issues with a qualified therapist. Based on my own experience, deep down I always knew I was gay and that on some level my secret would eventually come out. This meant I considered all of my relationships, including the relationships I had with my wife and children, as temporary/conditional. It's like the fugitive wanted by the FBI who assumes a new identity, marries, and has children but is always prepared to drop everything and run if the feds show up.  While I never met your husband, perhaps once he was out/outed he simply dropped you and your children because he couldn't see a way to reconcile his gay identity with his straight identity. Parental abandonment happens all the time with heterosexual divorces and perhaps more so with gay/straight relationships. Based on my own experience, I abandoned my children because I was going through gay adolescence and, for a time, I didn't see any way to reconcile being a father while also living as an out gay man. I should add that I have since reconciled with my children, see them all the time (yesterday in fact), and they know/love my long-term boyfriend. However, I must admit that times have changed, my children's generation are fully accepting of queer relationships, and most developed nations have legalized gay marriage. 

I wish my husband had taken his chance to reconcile with his children!  I told him that he needed to apologize but he only apologized to our oldest son.  He never could admit he was wrong so it didn't surprise me but I wish my children had gotten the apology they deserved.  They do not resent him for being gay but they do resent how he treated and then abandoned them.  Thank you for your responses!  They help a lot.  While I would love to believe he loved me when we married I really believe that he LOVED BEING MARRIED.  Wish I had known the difference!

I hope that helps but please feel free to post again. Be well! 

Thank you for writing Josephine. In reply: 

1. Sean, I​ want to thank you for responding to my posts!  I know many people are angry at you for "purporting to be an expert" on GID [gay in denial] men but I appreciate you trying.  I can never talk to my Husband (maybe until I die) about this subject.  The perspective you supply is important to me.  I don't view you as an "expert" but I do believe you are trying to be honest now.  The perspective you have does ring true with my experience which is more than my husband was able to manage.

I invite and enjoy the criticism as it provides straight spouses with different points of view. I'm not an expert nor a mental health professional as I'm simply sharing my own experience.  

2. I remember the first things that set off alarm bells for me.  The first thing was after we were engaged and he said I should date other men!  He said it was because I was 16 and he was 21 but I really think it was because he felt guilty over lying. Of course I thought it was strange because I would have been very jealous if he had done that.  

Wow. If I'm reading this correctly, it sounds like he was trying to break off the engagement. 

3. I have had somewhat of a breakthrough with my therapist this week.  One of my favorite movies is Bohemian Raspody [the Freddy Mercury/Queen biopic].  I watched this so many times with my husband while I was caring for him.  Every time I watched it he would ask "Was he gay at this point?" My response was always "I don't know, what does it matter?"   My therapist pointed out that his viewpoint was that someone could become "gay." 

I'm glad the therapy is helping friend. Perhaps it's time to stop thinking of your husband as someone who became gay later in life due to a brain tumour. I have always believed that I was born gay and an overwhelming majority of out gay men agree. If true, I reckon ageing and illness stripped away your husband's ability to hide his true gay self. So what's my point? When I was younger, I had boundless energy to hide my attraction to men. I spent all day every day feeling like I was treading water with a pink brick in each hand. But something changed in my late 30s and early 40s. I no longer had the strength to hide my true sexuality so I watched gay porn, stopped having sex with my wife, and cheated with men.     

4. This is unusual because I think most people are born gay but if he was somewhere in the middle is it possible that the brain tumor he had changed his brain and "tipped the scales", so to speak?  Again, I know you are not a doctor, but I would appreciate your perspective.  

No I don't believe your husband's brain tumour "made him gay." Perhaps the tumour removed his straight mask and simply revealed who he truly was: a gay man who chose to marry a woman and have children to conform. 

I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (December 5, 2023 3:20 am)

Hello again Shh0406. In reply: 

1. Sean, Hey hope all is well and your ready for the holidays.

Thank you. You too friend. 

2. I have a question. Lol...Do men pay for sex on Grindr and others apps? Or is it just circumstantial? 

I haven't used Grindr in about 6-7 years so please gage my reply accordingly. I reckon about 1% of my interactions on Grindr were male escorts offering their services. So 99% of my interactions back then were for consensual, free sex. 

3. Also why does Joe kort say some men can have sex with men and not be gay? You may have covered this before so sorry if you have to repeat answer.

Joe is a friend. He has a very strong presence on social media so I'd listen to his podcasts, watch his TikToks, and YouTube videos for a detailed explanation. Here is my opinion: I have yet to meet a steak-eating Vegan. The act (eating meat) cancels the identity (Vegan). Similarly, if a man is on Grindr and regularly chowing down on man sausage, then objectively he is no longer a heterosexual. 

Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (December 9, 2023 4:16 am)

I watched the entire video.  I wonder how common this behavior is.  It makes me wonder whether I'll ever really trust any man again.   I think that the caller likely has addition and mental health issues.  

Last edited by M-Kate (December 20, 2023 11:33 am)

Touché

But you know the answer. I do kind of love him. But I keep saying to myself: Harper fing Pitt, Rose. Harper Pitt. For any of you who haven’t watched Mary Louise Parker slap her gay cheating husband, it’s worth waiting for.
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