"..She says that she wants to have this experience and then we can talk.."

We should be enough for our spouses..we should be more than enough. 

I would physically shake when my GX was out (having sex) with her girlfriend.

Please read the first aid thread ..start building your support system..find someone to talk to..priest, therapist, friend family member. Sadly your spouse, the one you usually confide in, is the one hurting you and is not the one that help you.   Our spouses cannot be both tyrant/hurter and counselor..lover/wife and cheater.

Your kids need a strong father..  a wife that is hurting you does not give you strength..she is hurting both you and them.  Your kids needs someone that puts them first.  My love for my kids (and my God) helped me get through this
.

Wishing you strength and stoicism  on your journey.

I highly recommend you do not accommodate your wife's "needs" any longer until you decide what you want and need.

Also, ask yourself this question: would you have accommodated your wife if she told you that she was off to take a vacation with another man she met and they were going to spend the weekend having sex and then she was going to come home and tell you what was next in your marriage?

For whatever reason, when a friend of mine pointed out to me that absolutely no one would find this remotely acceptable if my former spouse had another woman on the side and was doing all of this, it really made the double standard clear. A gay person cheats with someone of their own sex and gets celebrated, supported and accommodated because they have this "need" to explore this part of themselves. Bull shit.

Sex is sex. If you commit to a monogamous relationship, then you don't go off and have sex vacations with other people, who the hell cares what sex they are. And if you care about your partner, you don't go off on your sex vacations while they are getting physically sick at home, waiting for you to come home.

Please find someone you can confide in and talk to. Whether it be a friend, or therapist. The very fact that you are going through this while she's off gallivanting shows that none of this is consensual. And someone in a situation where they were going to open their relationship, or go poly, or have a mixed orientation marriage....they actually have to have a stronger foundation than ever. There cannot be a single crack in that relationship because it takes a ridiculous level of trust and whatever else to make something like that work and not just have it all go down in flames. You are not starting this with a strong foundation and both of you enthusiastically consenting.

ok so my suggestion is to embrace that feeling of falling - go into free fall, think in terms of feathers cushioning your flight.  And recognise the significance - dislodged from the nest.

On the one hand she has said we'll work out what to do next after this trip and on the other hand she has said the marriage is primary to her - these are not compatible statements.  It's like being put through a wringer trying to take both on board.  Yes definitely time to talk with other people, and to take counsel with yourself like you did before you were married.  

I want to focus on your word choices.  You describe your wife's cheating (sorry, she's lying to you about not having a prior sexual experience with this affair partner -- people don't just kiss and cuddle in a hotel) as something you must allow her to "explore" and something you must "accommodate".  How would you feel if she asked you to "accommodate" her desire to "explore" a relationship with a man?

My guess is that would be unacceptable to you because you established monogamy as a bedrock principle in your marriage, and she is flagrantly violating it.  You don't have to allow her latitude to "explore" or "accommodate" another relationship.  What she's doing is "cheating" on you, and that's why you are understandably a mess.  She's also lying to you, and my guess is that honesty was one of your bedrock principles, too.

I tried really hard to keep my marriage together for the kids.  Almost five years after discovering my ex-wife's same-sex affair, I realize that it's far better for kids to be from a broken home than to continue living in one.  It's better for them to have a father who isn't devoting all of his energy to trying to bail out the Titanic after it's hit the iceberg.  And I found a far more rewarding life for myself, my kids, and my family by getting out and remarrying an amazing straight woman who has shown me the obvious benefits of being in a heterosexual, mutually respectful, caring, loving relationship.

d

 

Hi Doc,

My experience is different than yours (me cis-f and ex is trans-mtf), however, there are some similarities.  I, too, was married for a very long time and deeply loved my spouse and cared about my marriage of 19 years.  In the beginning, I made a lot of compromises that I was uncomfortable with so that she could experiment with this new life and to try to save our marriage.  However, I found that it was taking a physical and mental toll on me.  In January of this year I asked for a separation.  

No one enters into a marriage expecting it to end in divorce.  It sounds like before this came up, you all had a stable marriage and a deep connection.  Of course you are going to do whatever you can to keep that going after she came out to you.  However, I want you to remember that YOU are important too.  I did the same things as you—told my ex it was ok.  That i would always love him and that we would explore this together.  I took him shopping, helped him dress, did his makeup.  All the while, I didn’t realize what it was doing to me physically and mentally.  Finally, I had a panic attack and broke down and left (5 years ago…came back, did marriage counseling, she swore she wouldn’t transition but here she is going through the process).

I don’t want to dissuade you and tell you it won’t work.  Some people do make it work.  However, I am not in that category.  Please, please, please do not compare your situation to others.  I remember after we separated, I looked around and thought  “I’m such a failure.  There’s all of these people who can do it, why can’t I?”  Please, don’t fall into that trap. You truly need to think only about yourself right now.

It has taken a lot of work, but finally I realized that if I were to stay in my marriage, this is what my life would be.  I would constantly feel like this physically.  I was already resentful.  Staying wasn’t fair to either of us.  I would always be holding her back, and I would be absolutely miserable.  With time and distance comes clarity.  I look back on where I was in January thinking that I could never live without my ex.  That I would never love anyone again or be loved.  But now I realize that while yes I did love her, it wasn’t a healthy love.  In fact, I look back on our marriage now and I wonder why did we get married?  We were both kind people, but that’s about all we had in common.  Do I regret my marriage?  No, but now I realize that while it mattered, it didn’t matter as gravely to me as my own sanity.

My advice is take some time for yourself.  Your feelings are valid.  If you are uncomfortable with something, definitely do not offer it just for her sake or for thinking it will make you love her more.  You need to be able to put down boundaries.  At the end of the day, the decision is yours about what you do.  Don’t worry about what others will think.

Best of luck!