Anon,

Me and my GX are low to no contact..it takes practice and patience.. We only text about the kids and they are old enough now so as there is little need..

Read about gray rock..always keep texts, emails, etc on topic and terse.
It took my GX a bit of time to learn..  her rage texts I responded to with crickets, silence, nothing. 

To this day she is still filled with hatred toward me..so much hate and anger even though I'm the one that should be angry.   There is no normal reason for it..just that they are not normal.  Best you can do minimum contact and remake your life in the normal moral world.

Don't beat yourself up.. I surmise some of your rage was righteous and warranted.  I sometimes wish I stood up for myself some more.    Remember even Jesus got angry at the merchants in the temple.     These spouses did not think of us when they did what they did..we were expected to be loving and kind but they could do and behave however they wanted.      Forgive yourself and maintain  terse and minimal contact.  In time you his hate may keep him out of your life ..which is really where he needs to be...

Thank you for the kinds words, I really do appreciate them.

Some days are worse than others, which also is frustrating as hell. And I can now tell when I'm in a "bad" spell if nothing else. Except, at this point, while I can be like "oh, this is going to be a really shitty few days" I can't actually stop it from happening or do anything about it. So....I do random things like burst into tears in the middle of teaching a class, or helping a student in a lab. And I have never been a crier. Ever.

My work is giving me issues now on top of everything else, because I have been missing time for appointments and all the crap. I'm starting to see just how supportive the world and others are out there *eye roll*

I don't know why I thought any differently...I just had thought, since it is medical. And I am literally just asking for some clarification on shared memories....that he would just provide the information and then we'd go back to talking only when related to the divorce.

For some reason, out of all the things he has done and all the different ways he has dumped on me....this is the one that is the breaking point for me. I am just. So. Mad. How hard would it be for him to provide me with a bit of info to ease the distress I'm going through? It just seems so damn petty. Especially since I would love to know exactly what I ever did to him to "deserve" this.

And Rob - this is the part that boggles my mind. He treats me like crap (while gaslighting me every time I ask what's going on, what's wrong, has something changed....and he tells me nothing has changed, he's fine, he's not mad, he's perfectly find, I'm the one reading into everything) then blurts out he's gay....and I'm supposed to do what exactly?  Shit rainbows and clap?

I asked him to please leave and stay at a hotel for the night. That I needed time away from him to absorb this information. I followed up via text to see that he found a hotel to stay in and that he was ok. Then I cried all night long and ate cheetos. He now says that I kicked him out of the house and made him think something was wrong with him.

I'm actually really surprised by this. But....he never once told me he felt this way. We stayed together for 3 more years after this. He never once brought it up. I mean, I am saddened that this is how it went for him....but I'm also like, what did you expect when you blind side me with something like that????

He also says that he supported me throughout the marriage and then when he had an issue, he felt like he didn't matter. And that I never provided him with any support.

I loved that man. I bent over backwards for him. I envisioned growing out. Had dreams and long term plans. I tried so fucking hard to support him. But he would never talk to me. I would ask. I would beg. I made going to therapy a condition of staying. I told him he had to take all the time he needed to figure himself out.

And I'm the one with dealing with finding out about the developmental defects and issues I have.....and I swear he's more delusional than my messed up brain....the absolute complete self absorption is just mind boggling.

"I am by no means perfect and I have made my share of mistakes along the way."  STOP RIGHT THERE.  Your only mistake was never being the gay man he lacked the courage to tell you he needed instead.

As for why he hates you?  It's because he operates with fundamentally different emotional and logical circuitry than most people do.  "Normal" people (and no, I do not mean non-LGBT+) do not hijack other people's lives like this, so don't expect him to behave the way you would.  And he's probably finding it easier to leave someone he distances himself from.  My ex-wife freaking hated my guts on her way out.  She was a malevolent, nasty human being toward me so she could make it easier to leave me.

Here's a stupid analogy, but I think it works.  Your husband is into Mexican food, but he instead goes to visit a French restaurant.  Does it make any sense for him to criticize the chef for not having nachos on the menu?  Or to dislike the crepes?  To scream at the outstanding selection of French wine?  Of course not.  That French restaurant has no ability to please him, and he's a selfish dumbass for complaining or throwing shade at the French chef.

Like Rob says, get far away.  Build those boundaries.  Don't engage unless your life depends upon it.  I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Last edited by Blue Bear (December 6, 2023 3:25 pm)

All good advise. My ex (who is with a woman and never goes anywhere without her), is VERY angry and still dragging the official divorce out. Trial comes in January, no more ways for her to drag it out further. The reality hit her, I do not care for her in any way because I simply do not know who she is, and never did. It takes time, but eventually they start the understand the boundary, low contact/kids only, everything else gets no response. "Happy Thanskgiving" No response. Happy birthday! No response. Like a dog learns, so too, will your ex