Hey M-Kate! 
I logged in just for you, in order to tell you that it can get so much better, if you let it. You can read my posts... My relationship was shorter than yours (13 years), but I was 100% in and used to call my partner "my miracle". He was my best friend. It's been almost 9 months since he came out and we separated. I have never been so good, so strong, so optimistic about life and so loving and open towards others  (and I was always open and loving, extremely empathetic, but it all got to a new level now). Grief sometimes still surprises me, comes kind of out of nowhere. But then I cry a little (crying has always been a great outlet for me, my whole life), and then I continue living and doing the things I love or things that have to be done. I concentrate on what i do have in my life, and not on what i don't, or on what I lost. I also worked and still work (when the grief comes) on accepting the situation exactly as it is- my ex is gay (or bi, nobody knows, but honestly no difference to me). It's over. I am still here, still alive, and I want to spend my time in joy. And honestly- I do. From what I read from your posts I think you are still living with your husband and have no plans of separating. If that is so, I would suggest you really try accepting that you are living with a new person now, the one you don't know so well. Try to listen to yourself and your needs, don't put a strap on or engage in anything you don't feel like doing. Respect and love yourself. You have a right to feel everything you feel and you don't need to cross any of your own boundaries. Start concentration on yourself. What do YOU need, what do YOU want. And if your first thought is - I want my old husband back- I'm sorry but you have to think of something new. And new wishes and needs will come, because you're alive. Grieve, cry, but don't waste a moment of your life on things you can not change. Also, try to laugh about it all. It will make things lighter. 
I also have a thing that when I catch myself overthinking, getting anxious, I call my own name loudly. Just by hearing myself saying my name I suddenly feel total inner strength. 
I hope I was able to transport to you some of my newfound love of life. If you would like to talk- you can write me a private message and I'll give you my contact.
Just one more thing. I don't have children. Both my parents died. I have a sibling that I am not close to. In many ways, you could say that I am completely alone in this world. But honestly, I have never ever felt as connected to everything. It's all possible, if we are accepting a willing.
Love!

Last edited by ellierigg (November 26, 2023 1:45 pm)

M-Kate wrote:

It's been about 7 months since my husband revealed his bisexuality and infidelity.   I still feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster.   I often feel panicky, insecure, depressed and perhaps even emotionally unstable.   Have you all experienced this?   Does it eventually get better? 

 
How long is a piece of string? 😆 It depends on so many things.

I knew about A's bisexuality long before it became an issue and we incorporated it into our healthy (I thought) sex life. There came a point where I could no longer ignore what it was doing to our r'ship and it's that moment I use for the measure of my string. The moment I thought "fuck it. This is not right. Something has to change"
Six years. It took six years.
Yes it's better

Elle

M-Kate it takes extra time if you are living with him, but it gets better IF you choose to stay. I co-parent in the same house with my former GID husband. The triggers are real but I have learned to create boundaries, change my expectations, lean on my support system (not outing him but no longer his beard), and manage how I respond to his narcissistic behaviors. I must admit living together is difficult and I am glad he travels for work for weeks or months. I am counting down the days when he leaves— next Saturday - yay. I plan to spend time finalizing my divorce so I can file in January (the earliest I can file due to the marital settlement agreement)!

I am only staying to keep a stable environment for the kids. GiD's husband and I have a nesting agreement and our own isolated retreat spaces at the end of the day. However, I have now started to imagine a future outside of my home once the kids are a little older.

We understand.

Your reaction is normal and indeed healthy.  You probably didn't give him a hall pass to have gay, extramarital sex as a condition of your marriage.  You probably didn't know he was same-sex attracted, and he should have shared that information with you prior to marriage.  He's completely bombed the foundation of the marriage that he mislead you into believing.  And the problem isn't your reaction -- it's his selfish and deceptive actions that logically caused your reaction.

The most important advice I can give you is the advice that another straight partner gave me:  "The first and most necessary step in healing a wound is to remove the blade that caused it."  The only way to get to "better" is to build a new life that doesn't involve being married to a cheating, same-sex attracted, deceptive spouse.

I'm going to have the courage to describe these relationships what they are: abusive relationships.  Consider the description of abusive relationships from the website of the National (US) Domestic Violence Hotline.  "Domestic violence ... is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship."  (https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/understand-relationship-abuse/).  And even more basically, we were used for an improper purpose, which is being the most important prop in a play that our in-denial spouses didn't have the integrity to admit they were staging.  These are abusive relationships.

And like any abusive relationship, the only way to "better" is though the door marked "Exit".  In the case of every single straight partner I have met, this has been universal.

I'm sorry you are here, but keep posting because we are here for you.