Dagwood - sorry to hear this. Very normal from my experience. My ex did not say she thought she was bi, she suddenly said she thought she was gay. I tried to get answers for a few months, but it did not take me long to ask for a divorce. Why? Because I caught her in numerous lies AND she forgot the part about this being about us because we were married for 19 years. She said the exact same things, "I don't know" but she did know. She kept secrets, lied about contacting the original affair partner, even after being asked directly over 2 dozen times. She could notgo more than 3 seconds without lying to me, so then she became angry because I finally, after 19 years, saw her for what she was.....a self hating, broken person who had been leaching my life from me slowly. She was too emotionally immature to deal with whatever her past was, or her unhappiness, commenting "I was the best husband anyone could ask for"....

I am not saying this to discourage you. I am telling you this so you have a prospective, if she is not telling you information and you're married, then you are no longer a union. She is concerned with herself only, not you. It will take time to process, get help, find a routine (mine was up at 430am to workout daily), meditate, and focus on me and my kids. Over time, I cared less and less about her. Not out of hate or anger, but indifference. You can not help or save someone who does not want your help or have the ability to self reflect. You wait for answer you may be waiting a lifetime. 
 

My GID stbx husband came out as bi 3 years prior to the gay thing. When he sucker punched me in the face with the fact that he was gay and never loved me....he claimed he only figured it out 2 weeks prior to telling me. 

He claims that he never lied to me. His defense is how could he be lying when he didn't know himself?

Then there were the holes in the story...how he was miserable for years. Hated everything about his life. Didn't want to be married. Statements like "when I noticed I was attracted to men". Except he had "no idea" he was gay.

When he declared he was bi but it meant nothing and would change nothing....I told him that I was looking into divorce. I also said he had to figure out what he wanted. Take all the time he needed. He had to decide if marriage was for him and what his orientation was and what he wanted. I told him my greatest fear was that he would turn around and say he was gay and leave. I told him that if he did this, he would destroy me as a person. I supported him. I loved him. I researched LGBTQ and coming out late in life. Went to therapy to figure out my own thoughts and feelings, and how I could support and accept him. What's funny, is I just remember feeling so much guilt over the fact that I was struggling with coming to terms with his attraction to men. I do not find that remotely attractive, but I actively worked on everything and building "a stronger marriage".

He begged me not to leave. He cried. He said I was the love of his life and he was committed for life. I was very hesitant. But, stupidity apparently won me over. My non-negotiable was that if he had any doubts, any thoughts or feelings, any changes that he had to share it with me immediately and we would work it out together, whatever ended up happening.

Apparently, in his mind, this meant say absolutely nothing for 3 years (I directly asked him about it, how he was doing, any concerns....he just lied to my face) and then sit down and blind side me one Saturday morning, leave and just never come back. Then refuse to talk to me and any attempts I made to ask any questions about the marriage and what happened....he would call me abusive.

He actively chose to destroy me. He went out of his way to do all the things I very vulnerably told him would hurt me in unimaginable ways. It's not even the fact that he's gay....I don't think he has ever been honest. 20 years of my life was a lie. I loved this man with everything I had and spent 20 years with him, and he thinks of me as a disposable piece of trash. Welcome to the mind fuck.

Well said Rob. We had very similar experiences. 

PJ wrote:

When she says "doesn't want to give you ammo", what she is displaying here is her own homophobia that lies at the root of the deceit.

100%. Mine continuously uses the phrase "You're just building a case against me". If that is so, it has been a case 20 years in the making, based on 20 years of evidence, and I only recently realized this summer that there was a case at all. Late to the GID party I guess.

I hope that we are a generation away from homophobia being completely eradicated, that people can feel empowered to be honest about their attractions early in life, even if married or a committed relationship. It sure would cause less pain.

Sadly, I feel that religious communities will be the last to adopt this posture. I think religion makes it twice as hard: harder for the GID spouse to address their true self, and harder for the straight spouse to do something about it.

I'm overcome by loneliness today. Apologies for coming off as ranting.
 

Last edited by LonelyDude (November 11, 2023 8:23 pm)