PJ, I feel the same thing. The first few weeks after I stopped putting my D in her V were some of the happiest weeks I've seen from her. And then she realized that we had gone weeks without sex and that something was wrong, and it all went downhill. But even on the downhill, I'd still rate her mood as "above average" as compared to the times I thought we were doing pretty good (2, maybe 3 times per week during the good times). She can focus on her freelance work and charitable pursuits like I've never seen before. Such a gift to the world now that placating her selfish husband is out of the way.

A friend explained it to me like this: a GID person's mind is literally at war with their body. There is an internal demon that is fed by unwanted/undesired intimacy. This demon claws at them from the inside, tormenting them in ways that you and I cannot imagine. This torment is externalized by unexplainable and irrational anger toward you (the straight spouse) and the children (artifacts of the straight spouse). And it somehow dissipates when they are away from the family: people at work, their friends, and their family of origin only see the warm beautiful personality that you first fell in love with.

My GID wife can climax from clitoral stimulation with her eyes closed. She rarely climaxed from penetration, and never looked at me during the act. I wanted very personal eye contact and passion; she wanted to go somewhere else in her mind. Always wanted the lights off, wanted the blankets on to cover us up. She needed to visualize somebody other than me. The shame and guilt she felt afterwards must have been intense. She felt like I was using her to satisfy my male urges, and she felt like intimacy was just another of her chores after she finished folding laundry while I did the kids' bedtimes.

When does she light up? After she has spent time with her ladyfriends, especially That One. The one friend that embodies all the feminine qualities she wanted in me. Her eyes sparkle so beautifully for her, The One. And she glows after those intimate emotional hours with her friends.

We married as virgins. I thought this was normal woman stuff until my period of infidelity (which I eventually confessed and turned away from). As I became intimate with truly straight women, I felt the desire and passion that my wife had always lacked. That is what became so addicting: a woman could desire me, make sex very personal, and glow the next few days (or so I was told by some of my lovers' work friends). I'm not proud of this period of my life, but it was highly educational about sexuality.

I know it's hard to not hate her, but I'll encourage you to try to have some compassion. Your misery only started a few months ago; hers started the day you got married. She has been fighting against herself for years. She has borne your offspring that are a constant reminder of how you, essentially, sexually assaulted her (unwanted sex that she consented to) without your knowledge. 

What does she feel after unwanted/undesired sex? Used, objectified, shame, guilt. It's not your fault. It's her fault for not being honest with herself or with you. You and your wife are equal victims of her inner demons, and the closet door she hides behind. I hope you never feel guilty for the torment that you caused her, because she chose to marry you under false pretenses. You are right to feel hurt and unwanted, in the same way she is right to feel used and spent.

Your wife is not the enemy. Her barriers to being truthful, her closet door, are the enemy. Be the loving and compassionate husband I know you can be, and help her open the closet door. You will both be better for it.
 

Last edited by LonelyDude (November 9, 2023 12:08 am)

Anon2222 wrote:

Lonely Dude - Personally, I do not agree with your take, but I know we all have different positions on many things. But can we please not equate a spouse lying about their sexual orientation and having sex with a straight person as the straight person sexually assaulting their spouse?

Hi Anon, fair points. I guess I was projecting what I am personally feeling on all others (especially men) who find themselves in this situation. I hold men to a higher standard than women in this regard. (See? Chauvinism.) 

PJ, I apologize if I wrote anything that seems offensive or makes you feel guilty. You had no idea of her inner desires, and you had every reason to think that intimacy was desired as a standard part of a marital relationship. She withheld this information from you and is now using it against you. That is not fair to either of you.

Anon, I do maintain my opinion that compassion and empathy is in order. I don't think PJ's wife ever admitted to herself what her true desires were, and she is probably hurting and confused as he is. Her pain, my wife's pain, was caused at our hands (well, our d!cks, specifically). It doesn't feel good but we men have an obligation to rise above our own feelings sometimes. (Chauvinism x2)

PJ -
Trying to keep this topic fresh, as I believe it shows some important insight that is hard to ignore. Sexual intimacy is one of the most beautiful, purest, and loving ways a couple builds togetherness. In my experience with (illicit :-( ) heterosexual partners, both parties simply glow for days after a glorious encounter. There are fireworks going off during the act, and the emotional candles burn brighter afterward. All that one could ever want was found in this amazing partner. It is a truly wonderful thing.

For a committed partner to show the opposite behavior of anger and resentment--before, during, or after--is cheapening the value of sexual intimacy and degrading the raw satisfaction that it should be bringing to both parties. The non-straight partner already dislikes it. But then they project their distaste on the straight partner and ruin their experience. Both partners leave the experience feeling worse off. The end result is that a couple did a thing, and both experience negativity about it. That is a crime against sexual intimacy, and against the relationship itself.

I can't give you any advice for how to proceed, because I'm still in the thick of it myself. Mine won't even see a counselor to acknowledge her own orientation. But I can tell you this: the simple fact that you perceive a problem and question her orientation, means that there is a problem. Her orientation might be in question; the existence of a problem is a cold hard fact. 

I've also been lurking the forums at AVEN (same username). That forum is dedicated to a different non-hetero orientation, but I think its principles still apply to what we are dealing with here. I'd commend it to your reading to get some insight as to what might be going through her head.

Knowledge replaces fear. Go forth and be manly.