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1 of 1- Dagwood79
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Wife just told me she thinks she might be Bi
Hi All,
Before I start with my story, I want to thank all of you for sharing yours. I've been reading through the forum, and there are so many iterations to use for inspiration here.
My wife (45) and I (44) recently celebrated our 23rd anniversary. We have two children, m(12) and f(11). We spent our anniversary weekend at a resort, attending an art auction. At the auction, we met a gay man who was attending alone and we spent most of our auction/free time with him. My wife teaches DEI classes, and spends a lor of time with the LGBTQIA2S+ community. She and I were in our hotel room discussing our new-found friend when my wife says "I've been wondering for the last few months if I might be bi."
I laughed and said that I've wondered that for years. We discussed whether she might be bi or lesbian and she said that she doesn't look at women and feel an attraction, but that she feels the same way about men, so there's no difference. She's never been outwardly sexual, and intimacy has always been an issue for us. I always have to initiate, and there's no passion. We were actually looking for a counselor to help us through some of those issues.
As the weekend ended, reality started to set in. I realized that there is no way for her to explore herself if I keep badgering her for intimacy (not just sex, but cuddling, touching, etc.). I told her I would give her 4 months to make as much progress toward determining where she stands. In that time, I am turning off intimacy in the relationship. This is for a couple of reasons. One, I'm not sure I could go through with it if she isn't interested in me. It would feel non-consensual (not judging others, just where I'm at). Two, if she is Lesbian then the marriage is over, and I don't want to carry the guilt.
I am finding so many possible answers to my questions here, but I think I'm too raw for comfort right now. It seems like the bisexual comment is a softer blow than coming out as lesbian would be. It feels like a progression. I'm not sure how this will all end, but she's a very private person and I don't feel like I am getting the whole story. I do not believe she has cheated, but what do I do if on March 1 she has done nothing to explore herself? I'm not advocating for her to cheat, but counseling, forums, books, can all be useful in determining feelings.
She says that what started her questioning is that she is more comfortable building close relationships with lesbians. That, and a very religious upbringing that stressed homosexuality as evil, are making her wonder if she should have experimented more before getting married so young. She says she loves me and actually got mad when I turned down buying a piece of artwork because of how tenuous our relationship is right now. It's like she thinks that no matter what happens we will stay married.
On a funnier (possibly TMI) note, we usually go to the bathroom with the door open so we can talk with each other. She went to pee while we were having a conversation this morning and I shut the door. Her comment was "If I'm lesbian, does that mean you wont hang out with me while I pee anymore?" She doesn't get it.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.
- Daryl
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Re: Wife just told me she thinks she might be Bi
That is a dilemma, is she or isn't she. And what if she never wants to dig any deeper.
My thoughts are that you should be pursuing counseling, perhaps a combination of together and separate sessions. Good luck, life is too short to not charge into it at full speed.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Dagwood79
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Re: Wife just told me she thinks she might be Bi
Yeah, I have an appt next Thursday with a counselor. For myself. If I'm giving up all forms of intimacy for the next four months, I'm going to spend that time working on me.
If she never wants to look deeper, then I would have to know why. I'm not an ignorance is bliss kind of person, and would think that she was repressing.
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Thread Starter- LonelyDude
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Re: Wife just told me she thinks she might be Bi
Hey Dagwood, that's a tough spot you're in. I'm so sorry.
The fact that she plainly verbalized her questioning, and admitted that she has some Bi curiosities/tendencies, is actually better than the majority of people on this forum. She recognizes that she is in some kind of closet--that's a great start. Many of us go through years of intense denial.
That being said, it's still not an easy path for you. You'll have the same roller coaster of emotions that the rest of us do. You made the exact same decision I did: stop forcing physical intimacy once you realize how unwanted it is, and how close to sexual assault it feels. You are right to want a feeling of being desired, and you now know/understand why she could never have that desire for you.
You are building a support network, and you are seeing a counselor to help you cope with your own emotions. That's the best start you can possibly take. I would also add that you should spend some time on other activities that give you a sense of enjoyment or meaning, or things that she doesn't enjoy doing with you. For me, I am doubling down my efforts of doing "Manly" things, after years of being emasculated and feminized.
Being a beard sucks. Big time. You'll make it through, I promise.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Wife just told me she thinks she might be Bi
Hey Dagwood 
welcome to our Forum
Boundaries are good and it seems you've had the good sense
to protect your emotions by at least setting a few ground rules..
I separated from A. in May this year after 38 years and he still thought it possible to take up where we left off now
he's moved to the same city as me. I'm spending time with him as a friend, (like an old slipper.....y'know what I mean lol) simply because the people I'm living with need time alone so I go into the city in the weekends. It's a weird situation but it's on my terms so just taking it week by week, and I'm rather pleased the control of it all is in my hands, not his.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Dagwood79
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Re: Wife just told me she thinks she might be Bi
LonelyDude wrote:
You are building a support network, and you are seeing a counselor to help you cope with your own emotions. That's the best start you can possibly take. I would also add that you should spend some time on other activities that give you a sense of enjoyment or meaning, or things that she doesn't enjoy doing with you. For me, I am doubling down my efforts of doing "Manly" things, after years of being emasculated and feminized.
Yeah, I spoke with her about the whole emasculation thing today, and the theory that she molded me into her ideal partner, which is much more feminine than I probably would have ended up with someone else. That's a tough pill to swallow!
I'm trying to be supportive for my best friend, but she has already replaced bisexual with lesbian in her discussions. It's not looking good, and she still has a lot of time to evolve. Someone said in another post that sometimes bi is the tip of the wedge, and I completely get that analogy. I'm just mentally and emotionally hiding under my desk right now.
I know it will get harder, and not easier. But I'm determined to not let it break me and to be a good example for my children. They don't know, but when they look back, I want them to say "dad was always there..."
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Wife just told me she thinks she might be Bi
Dagwood79,
Who are you to place limitations on her?
Well you are her husband/partner etc. Being with you is not supposed to be a limitation.
I had no idea all the years with me were a burden or limitation. I never got the memo. I never thought that way when married ..I loved fiercely and loyally.
I dont think one person can hold a marriage together..I do not think God wanted us to cling desperately to someone that at their core really does not love us completely. That is not what marriage is about.
I think back and wonder really why my GX stayed all those years..fear I think...but so unfair and what a waste ..but then she never really cared or thought about anyone but herself.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Blue Bear
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Re: Wife just told me she thinks she might be Bi
So just gonna put this out there because I wish someone had put this out there for me when I discovered my ex-wife's same-sex affair in March 2019.
You are in an intimacy-deprived marriage with a woman who is starting to call herself a lesbian yet believes she is entitled to remain married to you so she can "figure herself out" even though she appears to have already figured herself out. To the extent she tells you she wants to remain in the marriage, it's only because of the kids and maintaining the door to her closet.
My friend, you matter. You deserve to be happy in a respectful, intimate, loving, caring relationship that will make you the father, friend, son, brother, boyfriend/husband and best self you have the potential to be. Remaining in your current marriage is going to just be a soul-sucking exercise. Accepting this is not easy. Goodness, it is not easy at all. But I promise you that the other side is so much better than this.
Good luck. Keep writing.
- Dagwood79
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Re: Wife just told me she thinks she might be Bi
Thanks Rob,
Fear of the unknown is looming large right now. One of the worst things is that we are finally comfortable. After 10 years of single-income living (by choice, I was an at-home-parent) I am back at work and we don't have to watch the spending as much. We took an international trip with the kids this year. We have a great home in a beach community. We are great friends. We finally made it. And now this. I totally get how someone would stay out of convenience, because it's so hard to get to a comfortable place in life.
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Thread Starter- Dagwood79
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Re: Wife just told me she thinks she might be Bi
My friend, you matter. You deserve to be happy in a respectful, intimate, loving, caring relationship that will make you the father, friend, son, brother, boyfriend/husband and best self you have the potential to be. Remaining in your current marriage is going to just be a soul-sucking exercise. Accepting this is not easy. Goodness, it is not easy at all. But I promise you that the other side is so much better than this.
Good luck. Keep writing.
Thanks Blue Bear. those were words I needed to hear.
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Thread Starter