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1 of 1- notinthestars
- New member
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Devastated
Wife (29) of five years, revealed to me (31) that she feels she is a lesbian about 4 months ago. She experimented a little in college, but until recently it seemed like that was just some latent bisexuality. She grew up in a conservative Christian environment, but she also had numerous bad experiences with men in college, which I think probably
contributed at least a bit. I was also not the greatest husband the past couple of years, and I am sure that contributed a bit. That maybe hurts the most, that this could be my fault. We have a three year old daughter who we
both love with every fiber of our beings. My wife is now talking about divorce. We do not have much money. We are saddled in debt. I told her she could stay in our house as long as necessary. I'd rather she just stay in general. I'm heartbroken. She's my best friend, my other half, and I'll always love her. She hasn't cheated. She's just read a lot and done a lot of thinking. We want to successfully co-parent, preferably in the same house for awhile, I'd prefer until our daughter is a bit older. A month or two ago, we were intimate again, and for a short time she thought she might be pregnant again. i was overjoyed, i thought maybe that would change things. She wasn't, though. I was wondering if I could connect with someone who has dealt with this kind of specifically: with a kid, without much money, relatively young, without cheating, and remaining in the same home. Let me know.
I know this is a long shot. Please help. it takes a lot of effort to get through each day without sobbing.
- vicky
- Member
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Re: Devastated
Hi,
I am young I think at 36. I have a 5 yr old and 8 yr old. As far as I know he's never cheated. It's not your fault she's a lesbian nothing can change that. I have the same dream/delusion to co-parent but I have my doubts it'll work. You have one up on my though she's being honest and open in discussing it with you and if you have any chance of co-parenting I think that's a good start. If you don't have much money maybe it's your only option right now. Is that what she wants to do to?
Vicky
- cramyamel
- New member
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Re: Devastated
First things first: you're not to blame. Whether or not you've been a good husband doesn't affect your wife's realization/acceptance that she is gay. It's no one's fault - yours or hers.
However, the range of emotions you're going through are expected. Back in July, my wife/partner of 23 years (married 16 years) came out to me, telling me she had fallen for a friend of hers who is a lesbian. Cried? Like you wouldn't believe for the first week or so. Random bouts of bawling, at work and at home. Trouble breathing, chest pains, sleepless nights. All the above and more when she was first honest with me about her emotions. I still run the list of emotions but I realized early on, no one is to blame. We have two young adult children, so I can understand your questions about your daughter.
Since July, my wife and I have been "roommates", still living together (sleeping in separate rooms) while she dates her new girlfriend, spending weekends with her. We too were/are tight in the money category, and until we had gotten on better footing, the co-habitation plan has worked, but not without it's bumps. She moves into her own apartment next weekend. That will be a rough day, I'm sure
How do I get through the rough days? I'm better today than I was yesterday, and here's to hoping I'll be better tomorrow than I am today.
Day by day my friend. Don't think of next year, next month or even next week. Start with every day.
"Just keep swimming..."
- phoenix
- Administrator
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Re: Devastated
notinthestars,
I'm so sorry you are here. Unfortunately, welcome to the club. We have been through and are going through what you are dealing with. This is a perfect place to vent your frustrations, ask questions, speak your mind and learn how to get through this.
This won't make you feel much better right now, but I can tell you that things could be worse. First, you are young. Many of us had 30+ years of marriage and are much older than you. You can still regroup and have a long fulfilling and wonderful life ahead of you. I'm 10 years further than you (married 16 years and I'm almost 40), but I know that I'm lucky to have gone through this now rather than 20 years from now. Second, your daughter is young. I think common sense tells us that the older your kids are, the easier it will be for them. But this is most likely not true. Most of what I've heard and read says that the younger they are, the easier it is for them to adapt and not be emotionally damaged by the divorce. Third, if your wife hasn't been unfaithful to you yet, she has spared you a huge emotional scar. There is no pain quite like finding out that your beloved has given themselves fully to another person. Sadly, the truth is that it's rare for a person to come out as homosexual and not have tried it. I hope for your sake she is telling the truth.
I'm 4 months removed from finding out.. my "D-Day".. I still cry, but not every day. It's a roller-coaster. One day is bad and then the next day is better. You will go through this.. but take time to enjoy the respite on those good days. They will come.. when they do.. make the most of them.
Please go see a Dr. and get some meds to help you sleep and take away the anxiety and dull the emotions a little bit. My perscription is $1.35 a month for a generic. Don't think of it as weakness. It takes true strength to know you need help. Do it for your daughter.
Find a councilor to speak with. You need a support group. Find a professional, find family and friends, find a local SSN group. Use this forum. FIND HELP to support you and share you pain.
Start preparing for divorce. Hopefully you can find a way to avoid it, but don't count on it. You don't have to spend $20k on an attorney. My wife and I sat down at the kitchen table and agreed on nearly everything. Then we went to mediation with no attorneys and worked out the rest. It cost $500 for mediation and $300 for court fees. Doing this between you will keep things more amicable and friendly and allow you to be civil to each other and good co-parents.
If you can't agree on custody or financial issues, or can't handle the stress, then you can hire an attorney.
You can also visit attorneys to get free first consultations.. it's a good idea to see a few.. ask a lot of questions.
Keep posting.. We can help you through this.
ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.