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November 4, 2023 5:43 pm  #1

My letter to my Husband who is gone!

I am working on writing a letter to tell my Husband what I feel about his lying to me about being gay.  I will be editing this as I go along.

Dear xxxx,I am writing this because you are dead and I am furious!  You came on to me at the party we met at.  I thought you were truthful in your feelings for me.  I have always viewed the night we met as something magical!  You always told me that you were smitten with me when you first saw me.  How was I to know  that you were a cold and calcuationing predator? That you were really looking for someone to disguise who you truly were?  Someone to have and raise your children but not someone you treasured and adored.  How was I to know that you only used me to fool the world:   You were so handsome and charming that any young girl would have fallen for you!  When I started to notice that your actions didn’t match your words you started to campaign that you were indeed a great husband.  You weren’t really a great husband as you never made me feel wanted, loved or charished!  It was always my desire that fueled our sex life!  My desire that fueled our fun encounters!  I always longed for a feeling of fun and desire when it came to sex but all I felt was duty.  Your duty to please me.  That word duty is so different from what I expected!  So totally lacking!  How can I explain what I expected?  Someone who saw me as the beautiful woman that I was!  Someone who saw me as an example of what a wife and Mother should be!  Someone who knew my worth as I knew yours!I don’t know how to forgive you for this essential lack of respect and desire!  The desire of a man for his woman or a woman for her man is the bedrock of the family.  You failed me in this regard!!  You gave me money, and a stable life but you never gave me what I needed!  You never gave me your heart!, or your desire!  You never gave me the truth!  You thought you were the smartest man that ever existed!  You were so conceited that you couldn’t ever consider that you were wrong.  When I tried to tell you that your personality was changing you couldn’t hear me because you were so damn arrogant that you couldn’t admit you had any faults!  Why couldn’t you admit you were human?  That you had human faults?  Why??????????  That was your essential fault, that you couldn’t admit your truths or faults!  

You never saw that you hurt me.  You always saw yourself as benevolent man but you were the worst kind of abuser!  You hurt me and our children more than you will ever know!  You measured out the love you were willing to give us.  A little here a little there, it was never enough!  What kind of man will only give so much of himself to his children?  What kind of man will separate from his family so completely that he only sees his children 1 time in an entire year?  What kind of man goes out with his buddies on his son's Birthday?  Gay or not you were a shitty husband and father!  I don't understand how you got so off track..  You were wonderful for 10 years and then it all felll to shit!  I did everything in my power to try to fix our marriage but I didn't know that you lied about the basic tennate of a marriage.  If you are attracted to the same sex why marry a woman?  Why marry someone who has needs and desires of her own?  Who needs a man that is the very least attracted to her?  Who let's her think that she is less than attractive?  Who makes her feel inadequate?  Who makes her feel that her needs and feelings are last on your list!  Who makes their children feel that way?  I will never understand what happened to you.  Was it the brain tumor or just plain old selfishness?  I will never know because you took all of your motives to your grave!  How I hate you for that!  I did love you once but not anymore!!
 Okay, who am I kidding?
 I do still love you and probably always will! I wish I could adopt your split personality and learn how to detach from you.  The reason I can't is because I was truthful to myself when I fell in love with you.  I didn't decieve myself about who I was.  I just fell!  You would have never given up your control over your feelings!  Your "control" over your feelings was so limiting!  I am just starting to admit to myself who made you lose control, a man!  He was so handsome, even I can admit that!  I felt the way you acted around him, like a lovestruck teen.  I knew you so well that I knew you were falling in love!  I did not understand what was going on but I felt it!  Part of me wants to ask him if he knew.  Did you ever find the courage to tell him?  The part of me that loves you hopes you did.  Hopes you got that joy at least once in your life!  It kills me that it was not with me but I always wanted the best for you!  Did you see that at the end of your life?  That I would have loved you no matter what you sexual orentation was.  I wouldn't have stayed married to you but I will always love you!  I need to move on and somehow I know that you are encouraging me in this, because part of me knows you loved me too!
You didn't love me in the way I needed.  But you did love me!  That is why it was so confusing when we separarted prior to finding out about your brain tumor.  I could not understand how you could just walk away from our family!  I remember you telling me that you felt you were done raising your children.  You were so wrong about that!  I still wish my parents were here.  I don't think that there is ever a time when we don't need our parents.  They were teenagers that needed a Father to point them in the direction they should go!  You left me in the position of trying to explain why their Father had abandoned them.  I had all of the responsibility of raising and guiding them.  We are all struggling now.  I did my best but they have been forever damaged by your neglect!
I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like had I never met you.

Would I have found someone who desired me and built his life around me?  Would I have become a more confident person had I had a spouse who valued my gifts as I valued his?  Would I have struggled so much with weight issues had I been appreciated for the female that I was?  I think my life would have been very different had you been truthful!  I wonder who that woman would have been.  I am trying to get back to that person but I almost don't remember who she was.  37 years is a LOT of time to steal from a person's life!!!!!!

Do you understand what I mean by that?  I mean that you took from me the years from when I was 16 till I was 57!  How dare you?  The anger is so overwhelming that I don't know if I will be able to overcome it!  I really think that what you have done is to kill me.  I look back on who I was at 16.  I was beautiful, kind, loved by my family, confident, and most of all trusting and you stole that from me.  I will never again be able to trust someone like that!  You stole the best parts of me and used them up like kleenex!  I am only left with a longing to go back and find someone who was true!

I am left wondering if our whole life was a lie but I really do believe, deep in my soul, that you were so confused and shameful about who you were, that you did not deceive me out of malice.  You deceived yourself more than you ever deceived us.  Who made you feel so much shame about who you were?  You were a great Father to our children and you should have been able to take pride in that.  I believe that the lies you told ate at your soul and destroyed us all!

My story is just one of many!  If there is someone who stumbles on to this who is considering marrying someone of the opposite sex when they are gay, please reconsider!  You will never be able to undo the hurt that you cause to the people you should love the most!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last edited by Josephine (November 24, 2023 6:32 pm)


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