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1 - Josephine
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Questions about moving forward
So I have been doing a lot of reading on this forum and it has been helping a lot! I know I have a long way to go to get over the anger and shock of this discovery. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to (hopefully) up the anti-depressant I am taking. Before I found this out I was just starting to. go out and do things. I am having my first party on Saturday, just family. I have been on Bumble for a month but am really not "liking" too many men. It's mainly a distraction. I am wondering, if I do start messaging someone, at what point do I disclose how difficult my marriage was? Do I disclose that my Husband was gay or just that the marriage was difficult and leave it at that. I think the second option is the correct way to go until I really get to know someone. I know it's going to be a long time until I am over the hurt but I am not willing to waste any more of my life on "him". Also since "he" is dead what should I call him? My late husband or my former husband. I like former husband better.
- PJ
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Re: Questions about moving forward
Since you were still married, technically he was your late husband. Former makes it sound like you divorced.
In your shoes, I don't think I would tell any potential partners until any such future relationship was prettty solid. But that's just me. It's your story and you can do whatever you want with it.
I'm also thinking about dating and certainly not planning on wasting time talking about my STBXW.
Good luck!
- Josephine
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Re: Questions about moving forward
Thank you, PJ! I want to focus on my life moving forward. I guess the reason I like former husband is because, had I known he was gay, I would have divorced him! We were very close to divorcing when he begged to come back home. Sometimes I wish I had but if I had done that my children would have spent 10 years visiting him in a nursing home. I am glad I took care of him and my children got to live their lives. They have already suffered enough! I agree that I don't want to tell any future fellow until we are solid. Really, what is the point? I hope it doesn't affect my ability to love someone going forward!
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Thread Starter- Josephine
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Re: Questions about moving forward
One thing that this has shown me is that my instincts are pretty much spot on. I knew things were not right from the beginning! We were happy for the first 10 years or so but I was always having to tell him how to approach me. He never seemed to have any idea of how to treat a woman. Go figure??? He frankly seemed to despise women. Can't say I blame him knowing his Mother!
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Thread Starter- ParkerAnne
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Re: Questions about moving forward
Hi Josephine,
My former spouse came out to me after 2 years of marriage. My divorce will be finalized for 2 years soon. I just started to date again. I've spent a lot of time in therapy to help me heal and rebuild myself again. It has been a beautiful process.
I call "him" my former husband or former spouse. I personally don't like "ex-husband." It sounds raw to me. I like former spouse the best because let's be honest, he wasn't a good husband.
To answer your question about telling a new man ....that I'm currently navigating myself! I feel you will know when YOU feel comfortable to share. This doesn't define who you are as a person, it was a phase/part of your life but not your whole life.. It is now in the past. I find it helpful to concentrate on the current moment. Maybe go out on a few dates and see if you even have a connection. I feel there's no timeline honestly. If you feel the timing is right, trust yourself to share. If not, that's ok. You don't have to spill the beans the first time you meet a stranger from a dating app.
Also, just be upfront. If you feel you need to tell this new person, tell him. If he is not accepting, he's not for you.
I hope this can help you!
- gwendolyn_C
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Re: Questions about moving forward
ParkerAnne - I like using ‘Former Spouse or husband’ instead of Ex. It gives hope that there will be a new love. Someone who will respect the role of husband or wife! I am with a good guy and he is the total opposite of my future GID husband! It can happen! Love and healthy companionship can happen!
- Josephine
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Re: Questions about moving forward
Parker Anne and Gwendolyn C,
I think Former spouse is a name that I can embrace! Late spouse seems to confer a respect that I don't feel towards him right now. People assume that you are grieving(in the standard way). I am NOT grieving in the standard way. I do grieve over him but it is more grieving over the fact that since he chose to lie to me from the start of our marriage, that we never stood a chance! I am holding on to the hope that I can find a special someone, that is true! Thank you for the advice!
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Thread Starter- ParkerAnne
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Re: Questions about moving forward
You grieve however long you need to. There's no time limit, it's not a race. I grieved my former spouse differently than I grieve a death. I grieved the life I thought I was going to have with him, the life I wanted with him, the life I was currently living (going through divorce at the time).
He is still living, but I grieved him as if he died because I made the choice to no longer allow him in my life. He was in my life for 6 years and chose others throughout the whole time. He doesn't get the satisfaction of participating in my life anymore.
- gwendolyn_C
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Re: Questions about moving forward
I agree with you ladies - I am grieving the loss of what I expected would last forever. My GID former spouse was dishonest and I deserved better. I gave better! We'll get through the journey of grief. I am so happy that I am not alone! This forum has been a lifeline and has given me the strength to make the hard decisions.
- ParkerAnne
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Re: Questions about moving forward
Gwendolyn,
You are never alone! Grief has no timeline. It just takes time to process everything and heal. You got this!