Welcome back Moppy. In response to your post: 

1. Hey Sean! Back at the end of June you really helped me see what was going on in my ending marriage. When people ask about my story,  I tell them about the podcast and how I communicated with you and the veil was lifted from my eyes. I'm really grateful you took the time to respond to me and help all of these other people to understand their stories.

Glad to have helped. Here is a link to your first post. 

2. We are now 4 months into the divorce process. It's a long road. I think I have read some responses about things pertaining to this, but I have been wanting to ask you your thoughts. We have 50/50 custody. He was supposed to have them M T, me W TH, and then we alternate weekends. However, I was still with our 2 year old Mondays and Tuesdays 8-5, and then picked up our 6 an 7 year olds from school on Mondays and Tuesdays and had them from 2-5. Then he would pick them up from my house at 5 on his days.

Understood. 

3. I realized this isn't truly 50/50 and was asking that he either find other childcare, or pay me.  I thought we were both on the same page about us feeling like them being with me was in the best interest for them so they didn't have to have other childcare and could be with their mom because my job is remote and flexible, but he continued to have excuses for why he couldn't pay me. Eventually I told him I wouldn't be there Monday morning to be with our daughter if he wasn't willing to pay me. He paid me for Monday and Tuesday, but then let me know that he found a babysitter and would be sending her there instead and would pick up the girls from school Monday and Tuesday. I asked why he would rather pay a sitter than the mother of his children, and he said "simply because I don't want to have to deal with your bullshit". (my bullshit being- me asking that he pay me for my time with them during his days.)

Looks like his mask has (finally) fallen. If I'm reading this correctly, he doesn't have the time (or perhaps isn't interested) in taking care of your two-year-old. As for the bullsh*t comment, he wouldn't be the world's first angry ex-husband. Whether a future ex-husband is gay, straight, or closeted, blame shifts and angry outbursts are common currency as he slowly realizes just how much his future ex-wife did for him (childcare; laundry; shopping; housekeeping etc.). If your future ex-husband does indeed have a personality disorder, he's facing a nightmare scenario: being alone with himself. The personality disordered are parasites; meaning they need hosts to survive. I'd suggest discussing all of this with a qualified therapist.   
 
4. ANYWAY, I am now in a place where I don't know what I should do. From your own experience and what you have gathered through your years, is the gay narcissistic parent able to undo their emotionally abusive patterns in order to care for their children?

If your husband has a diagnosed personality disorder, it's unlikely he'll change. 

5. I do believe in his heart somewhere he cares for them. But right now I don't truly believe he is putting them first, and I also feel like he is both punishing me and being prideful and just not wanting to pay me. 

Depending on the severity of his disorder - again assuming he has a diagnosed personality disorder - he likely struggles to feel love and a strong bond with your children. There are two possibilities with formerly closeted husbands: 1. he wants 50/50 custody because he truly loves and wants to spend time with his children; 2. he is going through the motions of joint custody to give the appearance of being a loving father.  Scenario #1 is about your kids whereas scenario #2 is more about approval.  

6. When the older two were younger, I did feel like he was a good, present dad.

I'd challenge you on this statement friend. A good/present dad doesn't f*ck your church's (male) youth pastor while hiding the affair. A good/present dad doesn't dump his wife and kids for frequent "Brokeback Mountain" trips with male friends.  

7. I'm not sure if it was genuine, or if it was because he was playing the straight husband/dad part well- because he also had me fooled, presenting himself as a loving, doting husband.

You'll likely see this more clearly as you continue to detach from him.  

8. So basically, should I fight him and try to get that time back and have him pay me? Or is 50/50 a good choice, and should I try to see the positives in having more time for myself, and less connection to him on a regular basis? I am obviously happy to have them more and wanted that, I just wanted to be compensated for my time, because it makes me unable to work, I pay for gas, food, etc. - which he said was bullshit.

I'm not an attorney so I'd suggest discussing all of this with your lawyer. Following separation/divorce, your husband might go through "gay adolescence" which is a few years of teen-like boy craziness. During gay adolescence, he'll probably go through a "slut phase", fall in lust with several guys, make grandiose plans with one or more of them, only to have a series of rather spectacular break ups. So what's my point? You alone should determine what custody arrangement works for both of you, however, I might suggest discussing a clause that sets a reasonable timeline for introducing a new partner....particularly for formerly closted ex-husbands. I'm in contact with a lot of fellow gay ex-husbands who (legally) had to wait a year or two before introducing a new partner.   

9. I just need to know in my heart that he isn't emotionally abusing them the way he did me for 10 years, because if he is I want them back. But just like it was for me, the abuse is sneaky, so there is no way they will be able to articulate it.

I can't imagine the stress and am so very sorry you've found yourself in this situation. These are conversations you should have with a qualified child psychologist. Your children should also perhaps be in therapy to discuss these and other issues. 

10. He is saying he is in therapy, and he has even said he recognizes he has narcissistic tendencies, which feels like progress- but then he continues to play the victim, explain away his abuse and deception, and pull things like what I mentioned above. So I get glimmers of hope, but then am disheartened.

Let's hope he's in therapy and is actively working on what appears to be a personality disorder. As for the hope followed by disappointment, I reckon it's time to start limiting contact with your future ex-husband. 

11. I try not to focus on his healing much and try to control what I can, but his healing is pertinent in how I feel he is able to care for our daughters.

These statements appear to contradict each other...but such is the nature of gay/straight divorces. The straight wife is more often the healer, empath, or even co-dependent; always feeling the need to "heal" her ex-husband. You've made an excellent start my friend and will likely see things more clearly over the next months/years. 

12. I am reeling and I'm so sad- the weight of not being with them all the time has finally hit me.

This is totally understandable. 

13. What was your arrangement and did it work well for you? were you able to step up and provide care 50% of the time? Were you emotionally abusive towards them? 

On paper we had joint custody but I largely abandoned my kids during gay adolescence; under the pretext of letting them "stay when they wanted" which understandably was almost never. However, I have since apologized to my kids, owned my many mistakes, and we now see each other all the time...with my boyfriend of 11 years. I also never forced my kids to meet my boyfriend and it took almost nine years...but the wait was worth it. As for being emotionally abusive, I hope I wasn't but am not the best judge of the same. 

I hope I've answered your questions but feel free to write/post again. Be well! 

 

Last edited by Sean01 (October 20, 2023 10:33 am)

Josephine wrote:

I have a question.  My children, except one, don't cut their Dad much slack in the way he has treated us.    Should I rely on their perceptions when I try to decide how much culpability my Former Husband has in the sh:t show our family became.  I tend to want to consider how My Former Husband felt when we had children.  My sons want to consider how he acted during their growing up years.  The situation is complicated by the fact that my Former Husband developed a slow growing brain tumor during their teen years.  It eventually killed him and I discovered his "secret" recently.

I wish I could give you help and clarity. I can't and I don't think anyone can. Brain Tumors can affect all aspects of a person's personality(Which in theory includes sexuality.).  In addition major illness can have some terrible effects esp. ones that can cause death strains upon family. They can also cause a person to be less than a good or nice person to be around. It can cause people to lash out.

I can sometimes give insight into what a gay husband might be doing but this situation is so far beyond my range of experience that I can't. What I can tell you is that it could help to find support in your faith or to find some grief therapy(I suspect that finding out  a terrible secret after death might not be as uncommon as you think).   It also might help to write about it.  For better or for worse life sometimes gives us situations that are simply unknowable and your is a situation that is one far more personal and unknowable than most.  This storm will pass in time and things will go on in new, someties joyous  and unexpected ways as the old saying goes hold on. 

Last edited by Diff I guess (October 22, 2023 5:50 pm)

  

"What exactly did he do?"

He became very distant and acted as if we didn't matter.  He became very OCD and tried to make us live under his rules.  He was nasty to us in pointing out our flaws.  He would do anything for his friends but couldn't even be bothered to show up at family events.  He left us two separate times for 6 months each.  During that years worth of time he only invited our children to visit once and spent the whole time on the computer.

"How was your family a sh*t show? Can you be more specific, perhaps with examples?"

For the first ten years of our marriage we were happy.  He was a good, attentive husband and father.  After about ten years he pulled away from us, slowly.  I don't know how to give specific examples but it was like our family slowly died.  During our sons teen years, when they needed a Dad , they got nothing!  We (me and our sons) developed weight problems because we were so unhappy.  Then when we all started to lose weight and get in shape he made many hurtful comments that undermined us.  Also after those first happy years he started spending compulsively , lying about it and put the family into so much debt that we could barely pay the bills.  When I asked him why he was spending so much he said he could not control his "urges".  I believe that was definitely caused by the brain tumor.  Is it possible that if he could not control his "urges" towards men too?  

"I've taken the liberty of reading some of your former posts, however, I'll need more background on what exactly happened, and perhaps some specific questions, before I can offer any opinions/assistance. If I'm reading your posts correctly, your recently discovered that your departed husband was a closeted homosexual. What proof did you find? "

I have been searching our computer to try to make sense out of what happened.  I suspected him of having an affair with a woman.  I found a receipt for a hotel room, in his car, that had a woman's name on it.  The dates were for a period of time right after he left for the second time.  I found that 3 months before he was diagnosed with the brain tumor.  I asked him many times to come clean about what had been going on with other women.  He wouldn't tell me much at all.  I took care of him for ten years and he passed away about 7 months ago.  Then I started searching our computer for clues.  I should have started looking ten years ago but I didn't have the emotional energy to.  He was very good at covering his tracks but he missed erasing one thing.  He had written a message to a Woman friend about a date he had with a man.  It told her all about the date but said that he didn't think it was a "love match"  He erased the message but forgot to erase the draft.  I was shocked to read this!   Now I wonder if he fooled me all along.  How could we have such a happy beginning if he was lying all along?  I guess my main question is was my whole life a lie?

Also, one of the things I am unsure of is this---I know he loved me when we got married.  I know that because his love felt real and his actions matched those feelings.  When He started pulling away his actions no longer matched his words.  It felt like we were engaged in a battle.  I was trying to hold on to the love and family we had.  He was trying to disengage from us.  I don't know how much of that was from his natural attraction to men and how much of it was the brain tumor.  I do give him grace and try to be understanding when I think of the fact that he had a golf-ball sized tumor.  If most of it was because he was gay to start with I would give him less grace.  I know that sounds harsh but noone should marry someone of the opposite sex when they desire the same sex.  This is cruel.  I thought for years that I was the problem in our relationship because I always wanted more than he gave me.  Not sex, per sie, but more affection, compliments, touch, admiration, fun!  I gave all of that to him but he found it hard to reciprocate.  His big lie to me changed who I was!  I was 16 when I met him and he was 21.  I was happy and confident and had friends.  Now I am 57, unhappy, insecure and wonder if I have ever had real sex.  I'd like to just go out and sleep with someone who is straight and see if there is a difference.  I have to believe there is because isn't that what we all want?  To be wanted?  How could he decide that he was enough for me?  If he didn't even want someone of my sex?  I am so angry and confused!  I know that when we had our children they were concieved in love but his lie about himself destroyed his soul!  Why do people lie and think it will have no repercussions? 
 

Last edited by Josephine (October 23, 2023 3:46 pm)

I am left trying to figure out all of this mess!  Why couldn't he just come clean to me when we literally spent years before he died with nothing to do but talk?  Even with all the crap he put us through I still loved and cared for him but he could never accept that I truly loved him.  He couldn't be truly honest, ever!

Sean,
Thank you for the response.  I don't really feel that the tumor made him Gay.  I know people are born that way.  Your timeline seems to fit pretty well with what seemed to happen, although we had kids in our 20's.  I think you are spot-on with suggesting he had a self-hating personality!  I think that is why he continued to date Women even while dating men.  I think he HATED the fact that he was gay and could never really come to terms with it.

I do intend to move on and find someone who is straight.  I almost think I need a signed waver for the straight man to sign! LOL  It may take a while longer as I only found out he was Gay a month ago.  It's very hard to wrap my mind around!

One thing I wonder about is did my former Husband target me because I was very young when I met him?  I think he was attracted to me at first.  Did he think to himself " She's young and won't recognise that I am different"?  I guess what I am trying to figure out is did he persue me with the knowledge that he was attracted to men?  Or was it more that he had feelings towards men, hated himself for it, and set out to prove to himself that he wasn't gay?  If he was gay all along how was he attracted to me?  I know he was attracted to me because I've never seen porn that even comes close to our first years together.  No one is that good of an actor!  Do you think he was possibily bi-sexual?

Last edited by Josephine (October 24, 2023 9:21 am)