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1 of 1- MoonChild
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My world is falling apart while he says he is so happy and light now.
My husband came out as gay 2 weeks ago, I've tried to be supportive but I'm falling apart. He says he is hetero-romantic gay meaning he is romantically attracted to me but prefers sex with men but no romantic relationships with them. He used to just say he was bi which I was fine with we are in an ENM (ethical non-monogamous) relationship and have been for half of our 8 years together. hookups I was ok with this because I thought he still wanted me and would come home to me, I mean why is he with me? Is it because of the kids (severely disabled) is it because I earn 3 times what he does and he likes that I provide the food, clothes and roof over his head as well as a lot of his hobby activities? He says it's because he loves me but how am I supposed to believe this when his hookups have a whole different meaning for me now? He has thrown a grenade into the middle of our (I thought) happy relationship and family and instead of stopping the hookups for a bit to give me a little time to adjust to a new dynamic as divorce isn't an option he is continuing with them and everything else as if nothing has happened and I haven't just had my world turned upside-down. I reached out for support from a family member who knows about our ENM lifestyle and explained everything and he didn't care just said you have another partner (long term) so why do you care what your husband does? Said family member also said who cares if he's not physically attracted to you as long as the kids are taken care of and he doesn't change the care he gives them. I just wish I could go back to a month ago when I would blindly support his "ED" and thought everything was fine. I want to yell and scream how could you do this to me and our kids why did you ever start a relationship with me if you were confused about your sexuality, but my only option here is to cry in private and scream I inside my head.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My world is falling apart while he says he is so happy and light now.
Moon....welcome to our Forum 
I was in an open r'ship for 4 years not thinking it would be the death of my 38 year r'ship with A (bisexual) But it was, and because I was unaware of his sexuality until 20 years in.....and as initially I was a willing participant in the open r'ship....I sometimes think "was it partly my fault?"
I did a lot of reading when it all started to fall apart....from Why Men Cheat to Non-monogamy. And the phrase 'Ethical' monogamy just makes me sad for all the woman out there who don't realise it'll do a 180 on you if you don't have the right attitude...until it's too late.
Stay pissed off....it's a tool that will see you through this Mindfuck.
Make an appointment to see a lawyer if you haven't already..you and your children need financial protection
Keep posting, we're here for you
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: My world is falling apart while he says he is so happy and light now.
Moonchild,
A warm e-hug welcome (sincere and authentic..not like the ones our spouses give/gave)
Based on what you wrote I think he stays for the money and other benefits you give..shelter, food, child care. Sorry if that sounds cruel.
How could he do this to you? I feel in my bones it's the thing that separates us and them..not just sexuality/straigh/gay/alien..in a word ..morality. You or I could not hurt a spouse in that way or be indifferent to our spouse's feelings..but they can. Having been through this if I look back and analyze..my conclusion is they have a broken moral core..they can hurt the people they vowed to love.. its not something innate to you or I.
Wishing you strength and courage.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- MoonChild
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Re: My world is falling apart while he says he is so happy and light now.
Thank you, Rob, I just can't imagine causing this amount of pain to anyone let alone the person I pledged my life and love to. Don't worry about it sounding cruel at this point the small truths like him being with me for the money hardly make a dent as I'm already in so much pain.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: My world is falling apart while he says he is so happy and light now.
Moonchild,
I had to look up "ethical non-monogamous relationship". I guess I can't cant wrap my head around it but I guess if both of you are in another relationship and your both ok with it.. But like you're hinting at what purpose does the marriage serve then... Are you just then roommates? Old friends? a house for the kids? But the word ethical must be key here. When my GX was having here affair besides there being no ethical consent the ethics my GX practiced turned out to be lying, stealing, hurting, abuse.
Perhaps the pain you are feeling stems from the fact that his "happy and light" feels like a form of hurt or abuse. Is he spending say your money on his outside partner that could be going toward your kid(s) ? Abuse or hurt takes many forms. And as I learned kids can be supported from two separate households with two stronger non-hurting parents.
Sorry but Im old fashioned and could never do an ENM. I really think we should be enough for our spouses...we should be more than enough.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- MoonChild
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Re: My world is falling apart while he says he is so happy and light now.
Hi Rob, the ethical part just means there is no telling lies and sneaking around everything is out in the open, spoken about openly and a clear set of rules is followed, the rules a different for each couple depending on the couple's comfort level. Honestly, I had never considered a relationship like this either until my husband brought it up because he wanted to fulfil both sides of himself (said he was bi at the time) so I thought we still had an intimate relationship, he still wants to romantic side of our relationship just no sex or intimacy, his issues surrounding intimacy and sex with me have always bothered me but because he claimed ED I just tried to be supportive rather than letting how upset it made me take over, I didn't want to be the wife who left her husband because he couldn't get it up.
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Thread Starter- walkbymyself
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Re: My world is falling apart while he says he is so happy and light now.
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Stay pissed off....it's a tool that will see you through this Mindfuck.
I love this advice! This is why I keep coming back to this site.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My world is falling apart while he says he is so happy and light now.
Stay pissed off....it's a tool that will see you through this Mindfuck.
I love this advice! This is why I keep coming back to this site.
....at the moment Walk I'm in the middle of having to prove to A's lawyers that I will be in a worse place financially. This is after A sent me an email saying that he "will be comfortable and could afford to give me $200 every fortnight"
...but I'll still have to prove it.
I'm trying not to be too angry because I'm too weepy these days and the 2 emotions don't go well together.
There is no joy in my life
E
KIA KAHA
- Anon2222
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Re: My world is falling apart while he says he is so happy and light now.
Elle - *giant virtual hugs*
The divorce process is pure and utter hell. Here I thought getting abandoned sucked...but now I have to prove to the court why I shouldn't have to pay HIM for dumping me. His latest claim is that I made him spend money, so he shouldn't be responsible for a chunk of the marital debt *eye roll*
Funny how suddenly everything is my fault. And how he went on and on about being "fair" in this process....and now he's fighting everything we have talked about. Honestly, this entire process is just exhausting. I don't even like conflict at the best of times. I'm trying not to take the vitriol and hate personally...but it wears a person down.
Good luck! If you need to commiserate or find the silver linings, feel free to reach out. My silver lining for today is I found out the infection in my jaw has finally cleared and the bone graft is taking! And I got all the stitches out. So I got to eat something that wasn't mush for supper! Rocking this adulting thing 