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1 of 1- Anon2222
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Dating Advice
How do people broach the topic of why they got divorced?
I left a relationship built on lies, and I have no desire to lie, half truth, or BS my response. So I have just stated that my (stb) ex-husband came out as gay, it did decimate my life, but I have come a long way over the past year and learned what I truly want in a relationship going forward.
I appear to be doing this wrong, because this has been the ender of any getting to know anyone. Last man I met, we really hit it off and had a ton of things in common. Brought up what happened in my last relationship about 6 weeks in, and was just honest about how it sucked but how I learned a lot about myself and what I'm looking for. Immediately ghosted.
So, what do people do with all of this?
This entire experience is now a part of who I am, and it means I have my own vulnerabilities, hang ups, and baggage, but I am working every day on myself to overcome and grow. But I just don't have the energy to lie about it or gloss over what happened. I left an abusive situation, it is what it is.
It doesn't help that I am autistic and already suck at social cues and say things more bluntly than intended. Any tips on how to be honest about what you have been through without terrifying others?
- Blackie563
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Re: Dating Advice
Hey - I am so sorry you are having that experience. I suppose I was lucky, in the sense I dated a few high quality women, both of whom were divorced and understood, at least to some degree, what I had/been through. Then, I re-met someone I knew from high school over 30 years ago. She was divorced, relatively same timeline. We just hit it off and now have been dating for 6+ months. I did not know I could experience joy, having been in a very non reciprocal relationship for over 20 years with a woman who had used me/lied to me from day 1. My point in sharing this is; when you find your person, they will understand and will provide you with reassurance...often. Mine does because she knows I need it, but also because I tell her when I need it. I am vocal about what I want and need, she is the same and its wonderful.
I dont know the timing, but for me, it timed up when I decided to NOT date anymore. I found her almost by accident. I think because my mindset had changed; I did not need to date, I was fine by myself and I attracted someone with a similar thought process.
Good luck - do not settle. If they ghost, they were not a good fit anyway.
- Anon2222
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Re: Dating Advice
Blackie - that is wonderful for you. I am glad.
I am also of the mindset that I don't really have to date at this point. I am happy for the most part with my current situation and just enjoying building up my own independence.
I am at a bit of a loss as far as this whole dating thing goes. I've had a few different things that are apparently "red flags" - one is that I married young, and have been with a single person my entire life. Apparently this is a turn off?
And then the other is the fact that I openly say that he decimated my life, it was an abusive situation, and it did leave scars. A friend of mine said that that comes across as "I'm going to drag you into my drama". Again, I'm at a bit of a loss there. I have zero desire to bring anyone into my drama, or drag anyone into the tail end of my divorce (reaching the 2 year mark on that....it legit takes forever where I live). It's none of their business, but I am upfront with it's been a difficult couple years.
The other thing I have had is the fact that I spent my entire life with one person. So, my funny stories and life experiences include him. As much as possible I have avoided bringing him up in conversation with anyone I am trying to get to know, but there are also certain stories etc that I can't make him invisible or it doesn't make sense. And, I also want to be able to vent every once in awhile about what I have been through and not just pretend everything is peachy....
So, I honestly don't know anymore. Like, I can't erase my past? I didn't foresee this struggle, I thought by my age the majority of single/divorced individuals would have some sort of baggage and that's just the way it is. And I'm also not going to spend my entire life pretending he doesn't exist. I see people posting all the time about how their kids come first etc. but those I've spoken to seem to expect a blank slate because I'm in the process of getting divorced.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Dating Advice
Anon,
When asked I say we had "irreconcilable similarities".
Its hard foe anyone including ourselves to wrap our heads around but anyone that ghost you after hearing your story is not worth getting to know.
It's something that happened us
.its not who we are.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- hoppyfrog
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Re: Dating Advice
It sounds like you are meeting people on dating apps, prior to meeting my ex husband I meet tried online dating and it was a disaster, as I kind of wanted to mould myself to fit the person and vice versa... and then a few weeks in red flags would appear and everything would blow up.
Instead of pouring energy into dating.... I have been making a lot of little changes to my life, including losing weight, getting fitter, dressing better, being more organised and managing my work / life / kids better. As a result I have noticed men are noticing me. I am staying cautious. I just believe I deserve better than I had, and if I wait they will find me.
Don't waste your energy chasing men, pour your energy into being the woman men want to chase!
The other mistake you can make, is being in a short term relationship with the wrong guy.... when the right guy comes a long. I plan on staying single and VERY MUCH AVAILABLE..... so I don't miss my chance when a geniune nice guy sits next to me on the train, or bumps into me at work.