Jenny2023 wrote:

He said he is broken because of my crazy accusations . He said it’s the worst thing to tell a man. He said it’s up to me to decide if I want to divorce or not, he will support me either way.

 

It sounds like he won't stand in your way...stating that he'll support you either way, so you have to decide if this is what you want. Think of your own happiness, your own future, and what it will mean to be free of the uncertainty this man brings to your life. Can you do it?

Elle
 

Jenny2023 wrote:

Do you think he is gay?

What I do think is that your marriage lacks intimacy, and that's a requirement in any successful marriage.  You're willing; he is not.  No matter what his sexuality is, you are in the process of divorcing a man who is not and seemingly cannot be truly intimate with you.  And that alone is reason enough for a divorce.

Good luck; we've got you.

PS:  He definitely does not sound straight.
 

From my experience, porn addiction is usually the cover to other issues.

In my case, I had NO idea about the other’s porn addiction until one day after 8 months of being married I stumbled upon it. I asked what type of porn etc and never got a real answer. I was afraid it was child porn or something. All I got was it’s disgusting and you don’t want to know. I even helped the other seek porn addiction counseling and therapy groups. There are SO MANy free therapy around town and believe it or not most of these groups are done at a local church!

After my d-day phone call and 15 years later, never admit to what was being watched I figured it out myself. It was transporn.

I also had lack of intimacy for 10 years and couldn’t figure out why. Even though I was not into porn I tried it to keep things alive. Now I know it was the wrong type of porn.

Now the other is a transfemale and prefers to be taken care of by a man.

The lack of intimacy in my honest open has to do with sexual needs not being tired, over worked etc. apparently the other was “attracted” to me in the first 5 years but after I discovered the porn it went down hill. And the more the porn addiction the more lack of intimacy.

If you know in your heart this isn’t what you want, don’t suffer and waste anymore time.

Be blessed and take care.

I'm a straight man with a healthy sex drive. 
However I can, maybe and sort of, imagine your husbands situation and how he feels. Of course I don't know him, except from your writings, so I don't know whether I'm right. Just take what I write as something to consider. 
I've never been in a situation like your husband, but I know of a past phase in my (married) life my feelings were under pressure and sexual insecurity kicked in. When sorts of doubt enters the mind of a man, it's hard to get rid of it. They say women are complex, but when it comes to sex men can be even more complicated. Even if the man is as straight as an arrow, and has a high sex drive.
It's nonsense to asume that a man is a simple being that will perform sexually just because his sex drive will automatically push him forward. Sure, when all is fine then that's the case, but there can be (psychological or relational) reasons that block it.

If he's unsure about himself sexualy, questioning his value as a man for some (maybe unknown or unspoken) reason, this can cause him to feel very insecure. Not getting an erection can become like a dreadful fear to him. Just the fear for ED alone can be enough to cause this. Thus a man can enter this circle that noticeable confirms itself... which enforces the anxiety. And so on and on... This is terrible for a man, and sometimes he needs professional help to get out of this self defeating circle.

If his wife doesn't understands how to handle this delicate matter, she can inadvertently do the very opposite of what is helpful. This only increases his fear of failing, and so the chances he will fail increase as well. This increases the frustration of the wife. You can easily see how this can spiral down and linger on for years. It's all very understandable, none is to blame in that sense, but it doesn't find a solution on itself and just gets worse.

Things like testing hormone levels, could have the adverse effect. He will only have more reasons to doubt himself. Your increasing frustration about his performance will only confirm his failing to himself. It could well be he needs patience (that is no pressure) and much (!) affirmation and possitive encouragement, maybe thats also what he's trying to tell you.

However, I do understand your frustration about it, and how it effects you. So don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you. I assume there might be some reason in a past before you two married, that is at the root of it. However I don't think it's sexual orientation, but something else. It could be complex trouble stemming from his youth, but it could also be something quite simple that never has been addressed.

I think you should find professional help, a therapist. If you find a good one, they can help. I wouldn't go for LGBTQ+ etc. as if that is somehow the reason. Rather seek someone that has experience and knowledge about sexual problems in a relation. Going in therapy as a couple together, will also allow you to determine if your own fears and uncertainties about faithfulness of your husband are right or wrong. Things like this can be discussed in therapy. It's a step to take to seek help, but you're certainly not the only couple that needs help in that regard. Things can get better if you both are motivated to go for it. 

I hope you consider it.

Dutchman.