I've just recently found the Straight Spouse Network and came across this post.  This resonates with me greatly because I'm very angry lately.

My story is that my husband came out to me earlier this year as transgender.  I was so completely taken off guard.  I had no clue.  At the time of his confession, he was planning a complete transition to be a woman.  After we spoke, he changed his plan to taking things much slower to figure things out.  He was already taking low dose hormones at the time and has continued to do so.  Although he assured me that low dose hormones would not change his body, his body has changed.  He shaves everywhere.  I can't even look at him out of the shower.  Recently, he told me his therapist wants him to go out dressed as a woman.  It seems as if this is all just inevitable.  Every new thing that he does to get closer to transition sends me into an emotional spiral.

But what hurts the most lately is that I asked him if he knew for sure if he was transgender before we got pregnant with our child.  His answer was yes.  From the very beginning of our 16 year relationship, I made it so very clear how important to me it was that children grow up with their mother and father.  I grew up with a single mother and this was so important to me.  He gambled with my life and lost.  He could not beat this.  I'm so angry.

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm angry.  I'm angry that transgender awareness week isn't really about awareness but about celebration and support for the transgendered, while those of us whose insights--hard won through experience--would complicate the narrative are shunted off and told to shut up and get out of the way.  It's not that I need to play the victim or say my pain is worse than his.  It's that I feel like I've--we've--been designated "collateral damage" and written off.  It's like being told your pain doesn't matter, or that you should be happy to bear it for the sake of someone else's freedom.  
  Yeah, that's it.  It feels a lot like the anger I feel when unthinking people find out about the death of my nephew in Afghanistan and say shit like "Well, he died serving his country,"  that old "dulce et decorum est/pro patria mori" crap, as if I should be happy he died and the wish to mourn his loss makes me somehow a bad patriot.   Or "thank you for his service" as if that somehow compensates for our loss. 
  I feel so angry at my fellow liberals who have swallowed the trans activist line and accept without any critical look the "woman in a man's body" narrative.  And I don't want someone to tell me I should turn my anger onto a transphobic society, as if the pain I feel seeing my husband in the grip of a desire to make himself over into a stereotype of femininity is misplaced.  I'm entitled to the pain of my loss, and I'm entitled to the anger I feel towards those who would discount my viewpoint that my husband is not "a woman trapped in a man's body" but a man who wishes he could be a woman and gets a thrill from feminizing himself.  
  So yeah, I'm angry.  Tomorrow maybe I can look past my anger. But right now I need to redirect my sorrow and loss and grief into anger.  
 


  

OOHC: "I'm entitled to my anger..." I so love that. You nailed it. It's like I needed permission to actually be angry. All you mentioned about being collateral damage to the transgenda, has dictated that the fallout of these men's celebrated fetishes, is that we don't count two shits, we need to sit down & stfu. 

I'm getting pretty angry lately. Shithead was back home this weekend to work on some things & I saw for the first time, all his toys,tools,gifts to himself. Not literally saw them for the first time, but metaphorically. i was pissed and so when he bragged about his latest purchase I said "You know something? I'm *just* realizing now how you wanted for nothing for 24 years, except maybe more freedom to fuck around on me. Anything you've ever wanted, you got. All your personalities, man mode, femme mode, sports, business, casual, you always fulfilled them and always with the best of everything because as we always hear from you "Go big or go home!" and I have not even been on any of the fucking lists in this marriage. I've never splurged on myself with anything. Must be nice to feel so entitled to your entitlements " I was pretty calm in my delivery too, not raging at all. He said absolutely nothing & actually looked shocked. Clearly I'm just a crazy menopausal bitch to hit the switch so unexpectedly! He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of his stay. 

Funny how assholes are always so surprised to be called an asshole. 

The good thing about anger & letting it out is that it really does unplug all that pent up frustration & issues you didn't think were significant. I was pretty proud of myself that evening, not caring what the repercussions were for standing up for myself, calling out my feelings to him & in fact it made me kind of excited because lately one of the many gremlins in my head have been nattering to me about how I'll probably end up in another narc relationship. Standing up to him confirmed the 25 y/o Sham is still in there somewhere and no way in hell will I tolerate this shit for one hot minute, let alone another 25 years.

Scared Spouse: I'm so sorry you're here xxxx I'm also a fallout of the TG thing & I totally get what's going on in your world right now. it is not easy, I'll confess, but you have a choice of staying in the marriage & slowly killing yourself or you can get thru tthe shitstorm sooner & grab hold of a future that is fullfuilling, respectful, authentic & joyous. it will just take some work. So worth it though...I'm walking away from 25 yrs and I haven't a clue what it looks like 1, 2, 5, 10 yrs from now, but I know I can't go down the road my TGSTBX is heading.

Big hugs to you tonight. Remember, you don't have to have all the answers all at once, you simply need to keep your head up, be smart, diligent, pragmatic & stealth. You can get thru this! xx

Last edited by whatasham24 (November 15, 2016 8:57 pm)

OOHC, I'm the exact same! Not a shopper, always cook, never go out or ordr in, am very frugal & responsible with finances. Which is part of the reason I was worried about my future with him. All these years I thught I'd be broke if it wasn't for him because he has always been the breadwinner, at least, the major BW & then it came down to this past 5 years realizing I *would* be broke if I stayed married to him. They get addicted to shopping, all up in that pink Fog & lose all rational thought. "Why buy one wig when a girl can have 20?". I saw myself being broke in retirement, having dinner in some shleppy diner with a 6'4" inch decked-to-the-nines diva. I may still be broke, but I will be in control of my happiness, which I have not been. (My own fault mind you)

Im not overly optimistic about finding Mr. 1/2 Right either, but I'm hopeful. And I too will never remarry. Not to say I wouldn't live with someone, but I think marriage (the paperwork of it all) is such nonsense.

I do however think you sound like a strong, intelligent, sassy, beautiful woman & once you get out there, enjoying life again, you will not be able to "demagnitize" that kind of gold. Your dance card will be full.......so wear your good bra! Everywhere!

xxxx