Gwen wrote: He travels again in November. I have to use this time wisely so we can settle into our new normal.  My therapist recommends telling the kids [about our separation and his homosexuality] together is best, but I should tell the kids if my husband objects. She also suggested that we tell them sooner than later and give my husband a deadline. My GID husband said he wants to tell the kids next year. I plan to tell my children when I return from vacation...Friday.

Good luck today Gwen! 

Thank you for writing Jenny. In response to your first post: 

1. I have filed for divorce but now I am cold feet and scared of breaking this family. I am not sure if it’s actually the right thing to do? I suspect my husband is gay but I don’t have proof except he is not interested in sex with me at all.

I'm so very sorry you're struggling my friend. Many heterosexual couples divorce because of a lack of intimacy and connection. If you no longer want to remain in a sexless marriage, then I reckon questions regarding his sexuality are secondary. 

2. I am 40F and 45M. My husband and I have been married for 13 years. I met my husband through an online dating website when I was in china, he is in Canada, he is white, after several months online dating, he visited me 4 times in china, 3 weeks each time, we didn’t have sex at all because of my culture and my parent was really strict. After 2 years dating, we married and I moved to Canada. we had sex life 1-3 times a month, sometimes 1 every 2-3 months, most of them was initiated by my husband. After 14 months, I was pregnant with our first girl and sex declined even more, less than 10 times for the next 3 years.

As I've shared both here and in several "Our Path" podcast interviews, a lack of sex is the #1 red flag in gay/straight marriages. Here is a link to the podcasts: Podcast - OurPath. 

3. When we bought the ipad in 2017, he set up his ipad with his iCloud, there is one day that he said he went on a business trip and stay the night in a different city, but early in the morning I checked his ipad, I saw a text message from a stranger that sent him in the midnight around 3 am saying something that I am ready here. I confronted him about that message in the middle of the night, he said that his coworker used his phone to text his girlfriend and it wasn’t for him, I called that phone number, a girl answered and she said that she just accidentally texted the wrong number.

Strange. As a former cheater, I know from experience that most cheaters do so while on business trips. Most gay-in-denial-husbands (GIDHs) choose jobs allowing them to travel and (safely/anonymously) explore their homosexuality far from home. 

4. Later, he disconnected the iPad with his iCloud and I couldn’t find anything else, but he is always coming home on time from work. There was also one time that I saw his computer history full of sex movies (normal Female with Male porn, straight porn) , I didn’t say anything so I don’t think he knew but then he cleared all history now and I never see it again. He later did buy gel to have sex with me and he only used it one time with me and I did wonder why did he buy that without telling me.

Inconclusive. 

5. I asked him to go to the doctor, his testosterone level was at 350 ng/dl, and he had ED (he didn’t tell me he had ED until I accidentally saw his medical record). He got on the testosterone injection and had to take viagra to have sex the next 2 years so that we can have the second girl. As soon as I was pregnant, sex stopped immediately and it has been 5 years since our last sex.

Again, many straight couples divorce because of a lack of intimacy. 

6. I asked him, he blamed it on stress, tired with two kids, he also said that he just lost sexual interest in me 10 years ago, he rejected me several times when I tried to initiate sex, I don’t gain any extra weight at all after pregnancies and most people think I am attractive so I don’t think I can get any better.

Here are my top 5 signs that a husband is gay or gay-in-denial: 

1. He watches gay porn. 
2. He has a history of sex (or cheating) with men. 
3. The marriage is largely asexual and has been since the beginning of the relationship. 
4. He has a boyfriend-like relationship with a male friend or co-worker. 
5. He starts exercising obsessively, body shaving, and completely changes his "look." 

7. I threatened to divorce him if he doesn’t go see the doctor, the tests came back that his testosterone level is 500 which is higher than 5/6 years ago, he still has ED, his doctor gave him medication for all of these issues. Sometimes I suspect that he might have an affair to release his need, but he always comes home on time, I have his phone and computer passwords and I look through them, I don’t see anything strange. I feel like we are more of room mates than a couple because his lack of sexual interest.

Regardless of his sexuality, you have every right to have a partner who sexually desires you. You do not need to remain trapped in a sexless, platonic, roommate-like relationship.  

8. I raised my strong concern and he agreed to have sex once a month now for the last 5 months ( 5 times already). Our sex has never had foreplay and sex started with him kissing on my lip and then he just put that in me which usually hurts because I am usually not ready yet, that’s why I usually don’t enjoy sex at all and that’s probably why I let it go this far, believe it or not I never come, even with viagra, he can only last 3-5 mins inside me; is this kind of sex normal with men who have ED?, he is my first and I am so inexperienced in it.

No this isn't normal and it isn't your fault. I would suggest discussing all of this with a sex therapist. 

9. One time I did give him oral, but no matter how much I tried, it was still soft, I turned porn on my phone to watch with him together but it didn’t help, then he went into the bathroom, closed the door and watch something on his phone to help with his erection (this makes me think he might watch gay porn? Because why in the hell it didn’t help him when I turned on man-woman porn on my phone and he had to go to the bathroom to watch it by himself?). After he watched something on his phone in the bathroom, he tried to have sex with me again, but as soon as he put it in, it’s soft, we couldn’t have sex at all.

I'm afraid I can't determine your husband's sexuality based on the facts provided. But clearly you and your husband aren't sexually compatible and you appear to be deeply unhappy in this marriage. 

10. With that, I highly suspect he would be gay in the closet, I couldn’t find out what did he watch in his phone at all because he deleted the browsing history. We both work and make the same amount, am very fit and to most people attractive, this affects me a lot because I feel like I don’t understand my man anymore and I don’t feel like I am being loved. I expressed all my feelings to him but he blames it on stress and low T.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

11. He has a male friend that often calls each other at least twice a month, the friend is in different state so they don’t get to meet each other at all, over the last 7 years we married, they might see each other less than 10 times if I have to guess but the phone communication is frequent at least twice a month. I confronted him if he was gay and if that friend is his lover, he said I insulted him and that he loves me and only interested in women, not men. I checked his phone but I don’t see anything suspicious, but I noticed that he sometimes deleted his browsing history on the phone. I can’t find out what he is searching on his phone. I wish I could find any proof that he is gay or anything to confirm my suspicion, but I couldn’t.

It's quite common for gay-in-denial-husbands (GIDHs) to have out-of-town boyfriends/lovers. These are sometimes referred to as "Brokeback Mountain" relationships; meaning married husbands/fathers who have long-term affairs with each other like in the movie of the same name. 

12. So in summary, I am in 13 years sexless marriage with 5 years having sex less than 10 times a year and 7 years without sex.

Many marriages end for much less. 

13. Beside our bedroom issue, he is a sweet guy, he has taken care of our family, do most of the housework around the house, take care our kids, pay all the bills, I am working part time with low paying job so he never asks me to share the bill or how I used my money, he makes double money than me.

You wrote above: "We both work and make the same amount..." so please feel free to explain this discrepancy. 

14. We always spend time together, go places together, he is always with us. However I feel distance from him because of intimacy and sex issues. I am happy with our family and our kids, but I am not happy with my sex life.

Understandable: because you have no sex life!

15. I want to feel desired from the man I love but I honestly can’t feel his love anymore, am not sure if he actually loves me even though he said he does when I asked. I have been checking his phone, computer and pay attention on where he goes, I don’t think he currently cheating (at least for the last 3 years that we didn’t have sex).

Sad.

16. Everything is perfect...

Incorrect. 

17. ...we will 2 kids but lack of sex. I wonder with his testosterone injection and Viagra for ED medicine could save our marriage, I keep thinking how can a normal man can go that long without sex? Sometimes I wonder if he is even gay or asexual.

The facts suggest asexual. 

18. Anyway I can’t deal with my thinking is he gay, what is he doing? Why is he not sexually attracted to me? Does he even love me? so i went ahead and filed for divorce and I am scared now…

Setting aside questions about his sexual orientation, clearly this man is not interested in sex with you and never will be. But a word of caution: when he learns about the divorce, be prepared for a 2-3 month "honeymoon" during which he'll likely initiate sex to save your marriage. I've used the term "initiate" because that rarely means "consumate" because it doesn't sound like he'll be able to perform penis-in-vagina sex. When straight spouses share about their own "honeymoon" phases, I often ask: "Are you enjoying the sex?" and the answer is usually "Not really." Yes they enjoy the attention and the fact that he's initiating sex, but if the "sex" includes:

- Pegging him with a dildo
- No erection
- He performs oral on her during which he furiously masturbates to orgasm
- He goes back/forth to the bathroom 8-10 times to get a "porn fix"
- They watch porn together while masturbating side-by-side

...this isn't really "intimacy" as she defines it. Just a thought. 

Thank you for sharing and please feel free to post again. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (August 26, 2023 2:11 am)

Thank you Jenny. I recommend you find a therapist to help you redefine "love." For me personally love isn't: 

Blame shifting: "I asked him why didn’t we had sex all those years, beside complaining he is tired, he blamed on me that I wasn’t a good wife, wasn’t a good mother and that I didn’t show my love to him, wasn’t passionate with him… it’s on me." [What a f*cking *sshole.]
A sexless marriage: I confronted him again if he is gay because it’s not normal to have sexless marriage, he said every marriage has their own problems, and that I insulted him, he said it’s the worst thing to say to man that he is gay, he said he is broken. [His defensiveness is a red flag in my opinion.] 
Emotional abuse: I am struggling to feel his love. I am deeply broken and cry to bed every night. I feel bad for our children. 

Is this the kind of relationship you want to pattern for your own children? Perhaps it's time to break the cycle through separation/divorce. In response to your post, you wrote: 

If we save this marriage I would make him go to sex therapist and we will actively change things around to make our sex life active. My other half is telling me that this man is obviously not sexually interested in me, he has 12 years to show it and it’s clearly showing that he is not.

100% agree. 

We were young and were in the best years of our lives, now we are getting older, there is no way we could fix it anymore especially both of us are broken and hurt.

Again, 100% agree. Your husband clearly is not interested in sex with you, (wrongly) blames you for the this lack of intimacy, and no amount of medication nor therapy has rekindled his libido. Regardless of what he is sexually, clearly he's not capable of making you happy. I'm sure there are fellow members of this forum who would kill to be 40 again; young enough to rebuild their lives with partners who truly love and desire them. Good luck my friend and please feel free to post again. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (August 27, 2023 10:18 am)

Thank you for writing Jenny. In reply: 

1. Thanks Sean. I have found out that he went to stripchat, snagchat and Reddit. I didn’t have the history what he watched because he cleared all history on his phone but the data still show marks of these sides. Unfortunately I couldn’t find out what he was watching.

Ok so now he's camming (read: masturbating via live feed with others). Here is a brief glimpse of what he's watching: "Stripchat: Watch Naked Models in our Adult Live Sex Cams Community." So he's masturbating to feeds of naked people doing live feeds. 

2. I really want a closure or admit from him that he is gay, asexual or whatever. So that I know what the root cause is, instead of keep questioning what is his outlets. Stripchat is a live cam, there are female, male, trans.. so I really don’t know if he watched straight porn or gay porn. I wanted to know so bad . I don’t have his accounts names or history of what he saw there so I don’t know what he did with them.

It's very common for straight spouses who are on the cusp of divorce to spend months or even years playing detective. I think it's a very normal form of bargaining; meaning she knows the truth, namely that this isn't a healthy marriage, and yet she's understandably hesitating before separation/divorce. So what's my point? I wouldn't wait forever because most straight spouses never hear "I'm gay" from their gay-in-denial-husbands. 

3. My mind is telling it’s the end of this marriage but my heart is telling me to stay coz I still love this man.

Again I'd work with a counsellor to redefine "love" because the "love" you've shared with us here looks like: 

- Blame shifting
- Emotional abuse
- Zero sex/intimacy
- A husband who masturbates to porn/cam websites

By staying, this is how your children will eventually define their own relationships. If you have a daughter, what advice would you give her if she found herself in the exact same situation? You wrote: "I am deeply broken and cry to bed every night." Is that truly love? 

4. I am so heart broken.

I'm so sorry he's putting you and your family through all of this. You deserve better. Please feel free to post as much as you like or you might consider posting regular updates to your own thread so the kind members here can help you work through this. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (August 29, 2023 2:24 am)

Jenny2023 wrote:

Thanks Sean. Do you think he is gay or just asexual? The fact that his data shows he goes to stripchat meaning he has a need but not on his wife for years, he is highly gay, is that correct? I just suddenly remember that he bought lube 10 years ago, but he only used it with me once, I was confused and questioned myself why did he buy lube without telling me and only used with me once. And I also noticed he didn’t use it anymore. Does gay sex always require lube? Does he need lube if sex with women? Our sex has always been PIV, he never asked for BJ or anal at all.
He told me let’s fix our bedroom issues together, we need to show intimacy and love outside and in bedroom, but I am debating myself if it’s worth anymore effort on this relationship at all and if it’s fixable. I am thinking about divorce vs open marriage vs divorce but stay in the same house to raise our children. Not sure which options would be best, he spends lot of times with our children, and he is a very good dad.
How was your situation? Do you have small children? Did you divorce and move out or stay together? When having sex with your wife, was majority PIV or anal? He is still denying that he is gay and said that gay sex is disguising, easy to get AIDS, and it’s not natural to the nature. I am not sure if his denial is also a red flag. He still denies it all, but something doesn’t add up, when we tried to have sex several months ago, he still gets erect sometimes when I touch him, however there are times he doesn’t get erect and he went to the bathroom, watched something on his phone and masterbated in the bathroom, when out with an erection but then it went soft as soon as we wanted to do PIV… I didn’t catch he watches any porn or has any affair at all. Basically our marriage was perfect except sex.

I wish I could give you more help, but your case would stump Sherlock Holmes.   I wish I could tell you Gay or Straight but from the information so far, I can’t.  I can say this much He isn’t asexual but what turns him on could be Gay, Trans, or something straight that he does not want to do with his wife. I also can’t rule out the ED since it may be medical in nature.

Lube is not required for all gay sex acts, just anal. While it is possible, it is unlikely that that is why he bought it for that reason. If he needed lube for anal sex it could be something that he could easily purchase on the way to the fling (and cheap enough to dispose) or something the other guy could have, and there are other “unsafe” alternatives (saliva, shorting or other cooking oils, petroleum jelly, ect.). The most likely reason is that he uses it to masturbate. It isn’t required for masturbation, but some guys (gay or straight) use it for that purpose. 

“Our sex has always been PIV, he never asked for BJ or anal at all.”  For a gay guy some acts are easier to perform with a woman than others.  Straight men like BJs, but for a gay guy it is easier to imagine it is a guy that way. Anal may or may not be gay, a few perfectly straight guys like it.  For a gay guy a position where he is looking at the back of the woman would be easier than from the front.  A gay guy might have some trouble with PIV due to the “ick factor” but a few can manage. Basically, being turned on tends to make guys willing to do things they otherwise would not do.  Without that turn on well who would want to put a body part into another body part.
The other thing I hate to tell you is that in the case of porn gay men can like M/F porn or M/M. The unlikely type would be F only or F/F. Also, the nature of gay is that you want to do something sexual with a guy and there are a host of things that could be. And while porn usually turns a guy on and tends to make him seek out what he wants be it male or female….some gay guys(a very few) could be happy with just porn and not escalate into more and if the guy is straight then he simply thinks it will drive you away.

“He is still denying that he is gay and said that gay sex is disguising, easy to get AIDS, and it’s not natural to the nature.” This is also the kind of thing a gay guy would say if he were having trouble accepting being gay but the trouble is it could also be something else.  

He is my take try being nonjudgmental, he might open up.  I would stay away from the G word. It could be too much for him to accept even if he is gay. You need to frame it as something less touchy like attractions. Be supportive. I suspect that whatever he is doing in that bathroom he feels ashamed by it and probably too ashamed to be open about it.  What he probably fears most is rejection. 

Also you have got the ED thing here complicating stuff. Also is he a deeply religious guy?  

I think he is afraid that if he is truthful that he thinks his world would end. He would lose his perfect marriage and kids and everything. 

Don’t talk about an open marriage, yet. IMHO, he isn’t honest enough yet for it and he might not want it even if he were gay. He also might have something other than gay going on.