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1 of 1- Scared757
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HELP: Wife Unsure if She’s Curious/Bi/Lesbian
My wife of 22 years told me this weekend that she’s always been interested in women and thinks that’s the reason for her lack of intimacy throughout our marriage. She said she feels safer with women but thinks maybe it’s because of childhood sex trauma that she’s working through with a counselor. She also said she represses all sexual desire for fear of experiencing attraction to women. She says she’s never acted on anything with another woman, but has always been open about preferring lesbian porn.
She’s looking for a counselor to determine (in her words) if she only likes women, she’s bi, or she’s just curious.
Here’s my question. Is she being honest with herself and me or does she honestly not know? She says she likes having sex with me and kissing me but also thinks it’s possible she’s only into women. How is that possible? When I asked her she said, “Because I’ve never kissed another woman or had sex with another woman, I don’t know if I actually liked kissing you and having sex with you”. Is that possible? How does she not know today if she’s ever romantically loved me after 22 yrs and four kids together? I’m so hurt and confused and scared and upset.
Please help…
- J
- Blackie563
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Re: HELP: Wife Unsure if She’s Curious/Bi/Lesbian
Scared - I am sorry you are having to go through this. I was in a similar position a little over a year ago. My then wife of 19 years, 23 together, told me she had been having an emotional affair for over 4 months with a woman at the gym, but that she had not acted on it. I believed her when she said she was confused, had recently brought up some sexual trauma from childhood that she "wasn't sure about". She said nearly the same thing, she wasn't sure....
About 3-4 weeks after disclosure, I discovered she had been lying, repeatedly. She swore she had told me everything, but she did not. Then she started to tell me bits a pieces, but never the whole truth. Then she got angry with me for wanting to discuss it. I ended the sham before we even got to our 2nd couples therapy...because I knew it would only work if both parties were trying...she was not. My story is long and twisted, she claims she is gay now (but has an online profile where she exclusively looks for men) I believe this is just more manipulation to avoid accepting responsibility for having an affair and destroying her own kids lives.
Has your wife had surgery? Hysterectomy? Hormone changes? That may be a part of it. What I discovered was that she had been the source of my anxiety for the duration of the time we were together. She lies with great ease, even when presented with hard evidence and nothing is, or ever has been her fault. She is a perpetual victim. Now if you go back to my first post here, it said none of these things. I was still justifying everything and living the same way I had been, happily ignorant/yet miserable.
I am not saying this is the case for you. The best advice I can give, do NOT pay any attention to ANYTHING she says, only what she DOES. That will tell you all you need to know about how she feels. Gay or not, actions always speak louder and if she is confused AND wants to work through it, she will do that with you. (or at least keep you informed) Mine kept me in the dark, got angry that I wanted to know and tried to blame me. (while also admitting I was the perfect husband, helped around the house, great career/provider, etc).
I hope you have a different outcome. I know the feeling. Its awful. Do not avoid the pain. The best way to the other side is directly through it. I went at it hard, felt every bit of pain, and have never been happier on the other side.
Be well, take care of YOUR needs first. Betrayal trauma is awful and jarring. You can make it. One day at a time my friend.
Last edited by Blackie563 (August 26, 2023 7:39 pm)
- LonelyDude
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Re: HELP: Wife Unsure if She’s Curious/Bi/Lesbian
Scared -
Sometimes, the hardest part is simply not knowing. Those who are in complete denial simply won't acknowledge the possibility that they might actually be gay. It sounds like your wife is past this, and willing to at least consider it as a possibility. I see that as a sign of hope: you and your wife are on a path that could lead to the truth.
I don't know what this will mean for the future of your marriage, but I think it should help for your immediate fear. You don't know the truth today, but your wife is willing to work with you to get to that truth. Once you are there, your counselor will have knowledge and resources to help you with some tough decisions.