I can say with all honesty, divorce is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Add in the lies, manipulation, gas lighting and having the man you loved more than anything in the world look at you and say they don't love you anymore and haven't for a long time. They were just pretending until they were ready and had everything set up to leave.

Devastating is not a strong enough word. 

It took me about 5 years to get to the point I am at now - I just filed the papers for divorce.

I have been to hell. Sometimes I still visit. But, every day I get up and put one foot in front of the other and there are good days among the bad. It's a long process, and we who go through this are stronger than the world gives us credit for.

Hi all

Happy New Year - Hope you are all doing well

Not much has changed in terms of my relationship.

Can you believe I am still here, still in this relationship that I know I shouldn’t be in but cannot find the strength to leave. I’ve been made to believe that if I end this relationship it’ll be over my paranoia.

I lost my dear darling nanny in July last year. She was my bestest friend in the whole world who I could tell absolutely everything to. I miss her so much.

I’ve told him if I can loose my Nan and learn to live without her I can certainly do the same with him!

He made me delete Instagram in June. Because if I didn’t he would leave me. I only realise how messy this all is when I write it out here. I’ve not written for so long because I was busy grieving the loss of my darling Nan and had put all of this mindfuck to the back of my head. But it’s always lurking and constantly triggered again.

He told me he doesn’t believe a word I say. It’s actually laughable. I mean I look back to when I first met him - holes in his shoes and all. (Sorry for the judgement, but I’ve put up with alot ALOT worse) Who does he think he is treating me this way?

He’s had a few doctors appointments last year - for depression apparently. A few blood tests done. The last one ordered was for sex hormone. He told me he had low testosterone, then a few days later said he had TOO MUCH testosterone. He hasn’t been for the sex hormone blood test because he is too embarrassed because it says “sex hormone” on the form. Obviously because he’s gay right?

I asked him why he didn’t order another AIDS test because the first was inconclusive and he said “oh actually I did, and I told you about this” (he didn’t tell me) -  said he had a blood test and it came back fine.

He doesn’t wear boxer shorts anymore because “they hold up his balls which isn’t good for men and masculinity”      Orrrrrr maybe just easy access for his hook ups!

He’s going to take some magic mushroom for a psychedelic trip to “reset his brain”. I’ve done a lot of research on this and it was used years ago in “gay conversion therapy”. I think he’s hoping this will make him straight. He is not going to do the trip around me “because he doesn’t feel safe or trust me in case he says or does something and I react badly”. To me that translates to “I don’t wanna blurt some secret out while I’m out of my mind on mushrooms!” Sooooo he’s going to Mummys house for his trip. Mummy obviously knows the secret.

I know this is taking me a long time, but I’m so grateful for this forum, even if it’s just to journal my experience. I don’t feel safe writing in a notebook or something in case he finds it.

Last edited by Pinklady (January 4, 2024 6:39 am)

Pink,


I think his saying he told you things he didn't..gaslighting just like the movie..is an evil thing. Much worst than being gay. I don't think mushrooms will fix that or anything.

Please keep yourself safe from his malevolent treatment.   Plan and plot your exit with extreme discretion.

Pink, I just read down the thread and read some of your earlier posts. You need to get out of this as a matter of great urgency.

Don't wait, don't allow yourself the luxury of being curious about what he has to say for himself. Don't give him another second of your time. He will use your curiosity, your empathy, your patience and your love against you.

Last edited by PJ (January 11, 2024 2:29 pm)

Pink,

"..He told me last night he’s into Asian women then in reaction to my shock took his comment back and changed it to “no I meant Italian or Latina”. Then quickly to “no I meant white women with dark hair and eyes”..."

Like why was he talking about women he likes?    His words all sound designed to hurt you if your're not "asian, italilan or latina"..    Its not a normal thing to say to wife or girlfriend...even the most stable or loving couple...unless you're asking for a fight or want to hurt and make your spouse feel insecure and not enough.

I had great fears ...if you check out that old bumped fear thread..     Most of them never came to pass but even if they did I concluded I would be better off living homeless on the street than with an abusive cheating wife. 

 At some point the gay (TGT)  does not explain why your husband is treating you badly.   Making you feel unattractive and not loved....I don't think God put on this earth to live with a person who does that.   BTW: the unattractive and unloved is not true..   simply words and actions he spoke over you.. But he was not given that power by God to make those things true...he is not a God, a semi-god, or an immortal supreme being.   So not true.

I think you've taken some good steps. in thinking about what you want...a safe place, to be loved etc.  ( i was physically shaking from the abuse and longed for that place...in this life or the next).  Even if you have to save a dollar a day and it takes years you should work toward that goal.   

Wishing you strength, courage and stoic self love.

 

Last edited by Rob (January 18, 2024 8:23 am)