Abby wrote:

,,..........figure out not what you are willing to live with but, instead, what you cannot live without. 

 
I've woken early..,. It's 6am and the above quote
hit me like walking out of a warm room into the cold light of day

Elle

I haven’t read through all the responses, but take what your husband says with a grain of salt. Rather pay attention to his actions first and foremost. Like the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. I pay very close attention to my husband’s actions and his words come in a close second. I also want to ensure his actions match his words. Wishing you the best. 

Last edited by TangledOil (January 27, 2021 8:41 pm)

BirdSolveig,
    Congratulations on getting a covid shot.  I had my first one on Thursday.  We are among the lucky first few.  It makes it possible to believe life can start up again.
    Like you, I am also in the position of wanting to move away from the town where I was married to my trans-identifying ex.  I have a very difficult time whenever I see him (or his car).  I even have difficulty interacting with people who knew him.  I understand why you would want to get away.  My ex is still in the closet, so I don't have to see him all dressed up as a woman when I do run into him (after a first rush in which he wanted to transition he decided he would dress/act out only at home), but all encounters or sightings bring up unwelcome visual reminders of him, as do clueless remarks by those who don't know, or who may know, but have never seen him acting out his fantasy of woman.  It's my belief putting distance between me and all reminders will help me heal and move forward with the rest of my own life (I'm 67).  
   As someone else who is looking to move, I think moving to a place where you know people makes moving easier. Knowing the place and having friends there will ease the transition, and you won't be relying solely on your sister for company (in case that is her worry).  I would like to move nearer to my own sister, too, where I have spent about a dozen summers, so I, like you, know the area already, although I may not be able to afford that part of the country, as I live in a place where housing prices are quite reasonable.  Contemplating moving to a totally new place where I know no one and have never lived is both exciting and frightening, and the whole trans nightmare has robbed me of a lot of my self-confidence. 
    The forced immobility of the pandemic relieved me of the necessity of making a decision and acting, and now that the vaccination program is underway and life can begin to open up again, I'm hoping that having had the last year to heal and think, I will be able to meet the challenge.  I hope that's the way you feel, too.  One thing I remind myself of, and that might help you, too, is that if I find I don't like it where I go, I can always move again.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 30, 2021 8:32 pm)

After revealing to my spouse that I know his gay encounters,  I had some relief now that he is aware. However, we haven’t come up with a concrete what’s next for us ...  I told him about the support group and counseling I have scheduled . He is agreeable about it but didn’t think he needs one.   Over the weekend , he said he can probably just try working from home to finish some  of his notes  , instead of working “weekend at work “as he previously stated   . So he did stay at home . There’s definitely some change in actions , but I don’t want to be blindsided... I know , what’s next needs to be addressed ..

I just came back to read some of my old posts and I wanted to thank you and others for supporting that I take this job. It has been amazing for my career. It has been a light in my light. Getting my kids in school etc. Thank you again.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

If you give up the chance to move away for the job to go back to him, you hamstring yourself for the foreseeable future, because you will be less able to leave in the future if that becomes what you decide you need to do. When you decline an offer from your employer, they are less likely to offer one again in future.

If it's too difficult to end it now, take the position but don't divorce, and tell yourself, him, and others that the separation is work-related.  People all over the world from all walks of life--maids, drivers, engineers, health care workers--move overseas for jobs and leave their spouses and families behind.  At least you will be able to take your children with you, and you know from the past year that you have been able to manage care for your autistic son.  And increased physcial distance (as well as another year of independence) will give you a new perspective.