Yes thank you for writing. Here is a link to our first exchange. In response to your latest post: 

1. Hello Sean, I wrote a while ago because I had doubts, and I would like to ask you something that has happened to me now to know what you think...A few weeks ago I was talking to my husband, I told him that I thought he was gay and I explained to him all the reasons I had. At first he told me no, but little by little he explained to me that if he had ever thought about it, he also admitted that he had watched gay porn, but it's as if it was something that hurts him to confirm.

Understood. 

2. Before we were together, when we were friends, he had explained to me that he was abused by his cousin (boy), and that when his family found out they took him to live in another city with only one aunt for 2 years.

I don't believe him. As I shared during our previous exchanges, this is his version of these events. Gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) have often been lying about, or hiding, their homosexuality since around age 5 or 6. So we're often quite practiced at bald-faced lying when it comes to sharing about our attraction to men. So what's my point? Whenever your husband is sharing about his homosexuality, believe but verify. Over years of exchanging with straight spouses, most of these "I was abused by ______" are actually stories about consensual sex or sexual play between two people around the same age. From what I understand, and please keep in mind that I'm not an expert, non-consensual assault or abuse normally occurs when there is a large age gap, meaning the abuser normally has power over or overpowers the victim. If however these boys were the same age, size, and from the same family, then it was likely consensual play. 

3. Do you think it could be that his family denied him so much that for this reason he tries to hide it and does not want to admit it? I think maybe he knows he likes men but he's so locked up that he doesn't want to realize it. Maybe there are guys who have a hard time going out, or are afraid to try it?

If he was raised in a religious family and for most of his life has heard that homosexuality is "evil" or an "abomonation" then yes this could lead him to live a closeted life. However, I would be weary of closeted/questioning husbands using stories of family or sexual abuse to paint themselves as the victims. If your husband is sexually neglecting you, emotionally abusing you, or openly cheating, this is happening now and you have every right to demand better treatment. Our pasts don't always excuse present behaviour. 

4. I told him that I needed to separate and make my life, and that I also believed that he had to make his life and try to be with a boy because I think that is really what he needs.....He says that he will help me in the separation, he is even looking to buy me an apartment so that I can go live with my son...

Let's hope he keeps these promises. 

5. But just as he wants me to be happy, now he behaves as if we hadn't talked about anything and continues to lead his life as if nothing was wrong. I don't know, I'm a bit confused...

While I don't have a lot of information, this isn't unusual with closeted/questioning husbands. For GIDHs like us, since early childhood we've had to go to bed agonizing about "What if they find out?" only to wake up the next morning and just "get on with it." So what's my point? Many of us have been splitting our lives for decades; meaning we live a gay existence online with porn; in adult book shops; or on Grindr only to come home and act like the perfect husbands/fathers with our families. If your husband is indeed gay-in-denial (GID), he can act like none of this is happening because he's likely been doing it his entire life. I hope that helps friend but please feel free to contact me again if you have more questions. Be well! 

I think I already have the answers to my questions.  My husband is a retired Airborne Ranger SGM.  He struggles with his sexuality.  He has admitted to having sex with a man but he says he is not Gay.  However, he has no interest in sex with me and when we do have sex it is very cold.  Not emotions.  I feel like a "girl-friend".  His temper with me is extrememly short boardering abusive.  I believe if he didn't think it would make him look weak, he would come out in a second.  We just moved to a rual consevative area and he is miserable.  He looks at Gay porn.  He also has hetersexual porn in the loop but he gravitates to gay porn.  I have caught him masterbating several times to gay porn.  I just wish he would get it over with.  I don't want to hate him, but I feel so lonely because the person I love can't seem to love me back like I need to be loved.  

Apologies Gwen as I only read your posts today. In reply: 

1. Hi Sean - I am officially legally separated as of May 25th! YES! 

Congratulations. 

2. My GID [gay in denial] husband and I have chosen to co-parent in the same household to provide a stable household for our three children. We have physically shared a house with separate bedrooms for the last three years, so it makes sense for our family dynamics.

My ex-wife and I tried a similar arrangement. In fact, we've all tried the "BEST DIVORCE EVER!!!" thing. Unfortunately, it didn't work for me long term. Let's hope you have better luck.  

3. Here's my dilemma, my GID husband doesn't want to tell our children that we are separated. He doesn't want to tell anyone. However, I made him tell his Sister and Mother! I feel stuck because I want to tell my children before I share with my Family (my sister knows) and friends. I feel he is trying to keep me in the Closet as I want to move on with my life!

Bizarre. In AA, they say, "We're only as sick as our secrets." Your future ex-husband might be more comfortable living with his secrets because he's been doing it for most of his life. When my (then) wife and I consulted with a child psychologist, he said that keeping secrets from children was extremely damaging because they often feel the need to be "perfect" or "deny their own emotions" in the faint hope of keeping mommy and daddy together. If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest speaking with a child psychologist. 

4. I have not filed for divorce to ensure we complete our Marital Settlement Agreement without tension and stress. I have successfully protected myself thanks to a great lawyer! I also took the approach to be as compassionate as possible and NOT financially crushing him to protect my assets and future.

Smart. 

5. However, I hope to start Phase 2 and ease into the conversation of telling the kids our status when he returns from his trip (by the end of summer).

A trip with his male "friend" no doubt? 

6. I've taken time to heal by practicing spiritual meditation and sound therapy.  I genuinely like and love my husband...

Correction: future ex-husband. Glad you're working on yourself. As for love, I think we define it differently. I see very little that is likeable and loveable in a husband who chooses to spend most of the year living away from (read: abandoning) his children, f*cking men on the down low, and lying about it all to his wife. I'm reminded of his "I was drugged, robbed and raped by men..." lies 10 years ago to explain away his STD. I'm glad that you're actively taking steps so that your children don't consider this a real relationship and perhaps recreate similar marriages in the future.   

7. BUT I no longer feel responsible for making him see his truth (he has admitted to being bisexual but spends ALL of his FREE time with a gay man). That's not my job! My job was to get out of harm's way and stop being collateral damage.

Agreed. 

8. I have considered seeking the advice of a Family Therapist to discuss my next steps.

Good idea.

9. I'm compassionate enough to give him time to process his life, but I want to protect myself too! I always want to be honest with my children, and I don't want my kids to believe husbands and wives sleeping in different parts of the house are normal. I believe this situation still works in his favor!

I agree. If I'm reading this correctly, your husband wants to:

- Hide your separation from friends, family, and your children. 
- Continue f*cking men, and perhaps having a long-term male love interest, during his business trips. 
- Forcing you and your children to live in his closet while perpetuating his lies. 

While I'd consult with a mental health professional, I don't think this is a healthy family environment for you and your children. 

10. I want to feel comfortable being with a man who loves me publicly. Not sharing our status with our children or family limits my love options :-). What are your thoughts? 

I think you're making incredible progress and that's to be commended. However, if you let your gay-in-denial husband control you, the narrative, and timeline, he'll probably remain forever in his closet while at the same time preventing you from ever finding a new partner. If your ultimate goal is to date and marry a straight man, you need to divorce and live separately. In response to your latest post. 

11. I met with our Family Therapist last week, and she confirmed that we should tell our children that we are separated but will continue to Co-parent in the same household. My GID husband is against telling my children anything.

F*ck him. If he doesn't like it, he can move out. Your kids deserve clarity and honesty...not his continued evasions and lies. 

12. I gave him reasons based on honesty about restructuring our relationship/Family. I understand that he may be grieving and partly in the denial phase. As my therapist pointed out, I'd been slowly grieving for years when he chose another lifestyle over being married to me.  However, it doesn't stop me from doing what suits my children.

Truth! He didn't choose another lifestyle my friend. He's a gay man, attracted to men, who chose to marry a woman. I reckon he's designed his life to act on his true sexuality while unfortunately married to, lying to, and cheating on you. By telling your children these and other truths, in a way they understand of course, you're doing nothing more than helping them understand his choices are and continue to be completely unacceptable. I hope that makes sense.  

13. He travels again in November. I have to use this time wisely so we can settle into our new normal.  My therapist recommends telling the kids together is best, but I should tell the kids if my husband objects.

100% agree. Two options: 1. He'll never tell them; or 2. He'll try to spin all of this as all your fault...something I'd be prepared for unfortunately. 

14. She also suggested that we tell them sooner than later and give my husband a deadline. My GID husband said he wants to tell the kids next year. I plan to tell my children when I return from vacation next Friday.

Bravo. Time to rip off that pink bandaid...with or without his help!  

15. This way my husband is still around to answer any questions they may have. I have no plans to assign any blame but will fight for honesty and truth. Kids are very perceptive and deserve answers.

Good luck Friday my friend. He'll likely run, hide or take another trip with his "friend." You're strong and you're doing the right thing...for yourself and your children. I look forward to your update. 

Last edited by Sean01 (August 7, 2023 3:29 pm)

Good luck Gwen. I know you have A LOT on your plate at the moment friend, but I'd recommend working with your therapist/counsellor to detach from your future ex-husband with love. We can still love the people in our lives while also acknowledging/condeming totally unacceptable, and oftentimes neglectful, behaviour. So what's my point? It's not unusual for straight wives to post messages on this thread starting with, "I love my husband and he's my best friend." They then write a horrifying history of sexual  neglect, emotional abuse, cheating, child neglect, and pathological dishonesty. Two tools I've recommended to help straight spouses see their gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) in a more objective light:

Tool #1: Write a letter. But write the letter from the perspective of a sister, adult daughter, or close female friend describing everything their husbands have done over the years. Writing a letter from an outsider's perspective often helps the straight spouse gain some perspective on her husband's totally unacceptable behaviour. 

Tool #2: Write a brief "help wanted" advertisement for a potential husband/father. Then write out all of his "qualifications" and ask yourself if you'd even give this man (with a history of dishonesty, cheating, sexual ambiguity and lengthy absences) a job interview. The answer is most often a resounding "no." 

I'm not trying to push you to hate your future ex-husband, but rather to help you see him and his actions in a more objective light so that you can lovingly detach from him. I hope that helps. Good luck friend and be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (August 7, 2023 4:28 pm)

Thank you for writing Gwen. I want to apologize for coming across as critical or, worse, a "know-it-all." While I well remember my own "bargaining" phase during which I'd convinced myself I could live platonically with my (then) wife, have a long-term boyfriend, then renovate a ground-floor apartment in our building so we could all be neighbours, I now have the luxury of hindsight at how f*cked up this all was. We mercifully divorced in 2015 and I've been clawing my way back to reality ever since. In response to your post: 

1. Sean - I appreciate the direct and raw response. It hurts but I need to hear it!

Apologies if I went too far my friend. 

2. It's true and I will do the homework and write the letter and a brief "help wanted" advertisement for a husband/father!

Let me know if that helps, particularly the "help wanted" ad. It's often when a straight spouse lists all the qualifications for a future "husband/partner/father" namely:

- Honest
- Faithful
- Good father
- Sexually compatible

then writes out his resumé:

- Struggles with sexuality
- Pathologically dishonest
- History of cheating with men
- History of emotional abuse
- History of sexual neglect

she often realizes that her husband is spectacularly unqualified for his current position...and needs to be fired! 
 
3. I will work to detach after so many years of manipulation!  I want better for me and my children!

Well said. Take all the time you need my friend. It's the journey, not the destination and it takes time. 

4. It will happen if I do the hard work now! Thank you!  

Thank YOU for sharing so honestly. For every straight spouse brave enough to post here, I'm convinced there are hundreds silently following your journeys. Good luck. 

Last edited by Sean01 (August 8, 2023 3:30 am)