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1 of 1- Justsignedthelease
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Justsignedthelease
My boyfriend of 4 years and I just moved and signed a lease for a year and a half. He has been exploring who he is and what that means and I’m cool with that as long as we are both happy and healthy in our relationship. He only wants to be friends with people who appear feminine and queer. Usually both. He always points out different pride flags. I’ve told him I would love him and be his friend if he was to come out to me. But he insists he is attracted to me and doesn’t like men (“their beards” specifically). One day when I was cleaning and found a notebook. I thought it was garbage so I skimmed through it. It was a confession of him being attracted to male parts and wanting to not be a man but not wanting to be a woman either. Wishing he was born a woman though. It broke my heart, I thought I was what he wanted. I’ve told him that I want to date and marry a man, and I don’t think it’s wrong or unfair to set that boundary. Is it okay to not want a non binary partner either? I don’t know what to do with the conflicting information. He is going to start therapy soon but tells me he wants to marry me and love me until we grow old. We are an open book couple or so I thought. Any thoughts?
- Anon42
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Re: Justsignedthelease
Justsignedthelease wrote:
I’ve told him that I want to date and marry a man, and I don’t think it’s wrong or unfair to set that boundary. Is it okay to not want a non binary partner either? I don’t know what to do with the conflicting information. He is going to start therapy soon but tells me he wants to marry me and love me until we grow old. We are an open book couple or so I thought. Any thoughts?
Hi Justsignedthelease.
I'm truly sorry you're going through this!
I think most of people here would tell you to run away from this relationship. They almost never end well and progress to the worse over time. And you will be in a lot of pain down the road. Of course, there is probably a small chance that this could somehow work out, but even if it would, it would require a lot of work from you and your partner.
Of course it is ok to not want a non-binary partner. It's only natural, has always been this way and it's sad that it needs to be even mentioned.
On the bright side (and I understand that you may not see any bright sides of the situation at the moment), it looks like you're young and have not been married to that man, so at least you have a potentially bright future ahead of you with someone else and not a lot of baggage.
Believe me, the lease together is one of the the least significant things to worry about.
Sorry for being so blunt.
- lily
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Re: Justsignedthelease
my thoughts are open book couple? no, that was just you - he has been hiding the truth of himself from you. You found out accidentally but there it is - a confession from his own mouth.
You sound like you have good commonsense and know what you're doing and yet you are questioning yourself - this is likely to be from listening to your partner! If he is anything like my ex he will string you along til the cows come home.
my suggestion is don't try and co-lease if you can possibly avoid it.
- Blackie563
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Re: Justsignedthelease
Agreed. Do not pay ANY attention to what he has said, only to his actions. What do you know? You know from his own words that he was keeping things from you, things that are personal, but would/will have a profound impact on you now and into the future. All relationships require trust to grow and last. By your own admission, you do not have that. This is just the tip of the iceberg (in my opinion). There is likely so much more beneath the surface. Your call if you want to go down that road, but remember, "it is not your job to heal everyone". Sounds like he has some work to do and based on your find, is not willing to do it together with you.
Best of luck, I am so sorry to hear this. It's awful. Wishing you peace and strength for the journey ahead.
- 31yearsOfLies
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Re: Justsignedthelease
Walk away from the lease. Find something else to do in life. Don't waste 31 years on one of these types, like I did. You can do much better.
- Victo
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Re: Justsignedthelease
Many of us here have expressed the wish that our own partners had allowed us to be clued in to their homosexuality or transgenderism early on. Before the wedding/kids/loans/joint careers, etc…
It sounds to me as though you are in a position that many of us here wish we had been in.
So carefully read the advice given here. Painful as it is, anyone suggesting you get out now is trying to help you reduce the much bigger pain down the line that comes from knowing how much time you have wasted on someone who cannot possibly love you the way you deserve to be loved.
- Blue Bear
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Re: Justsignedthelease
It was a confession of him being attracted to male parts and wanting to not be a man but not wanting to be a woman either. Wishing he was born a woman though. It broke my heart, I thought I was what he wanted. I’ve told him that I want to date and marry a man, and I don’t think it’s wrong or unfair to set that boundary. Is it okay to not want a non binary partner either? I don’t know what to do with the conflicting information. ... Any thoughts?
Here are my thoughts.
You want something that he isn't, and he wants something different from who you are. This is not a relationship that's going to work.
Is it ok for you to not want a nonbinary partner? Heck, yes! And it's ok for him to be who he is, too. It's just that you don't appear to have the makings of a healthy long-term relationship since neither of you can provide what the other wants and needs. It's like going to a Mexican restaurant expecting killer lasagna; you will be disappointed.
Find the man you want and deserve and who deserves and wants you, too. You will realize that there is no substitute for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship where all aspects of attraction are matched up appropriately. I'll be blunt -- get out of this relationship. It's not healthy for either of you.
Last edited by Blue Bear (August 21, 2023 9:34 am)