Hi Meg,

sorry you find yourself here, but it is a good place to get help finding your way through the confusion of Gay In Denial.

It's a thing.  Gay In Denial.  And blame shifting always seems to come with the territory.

When you say he is acting like the issue is that you found his tapes rather than him making them that is classic GID - ie he can lie cheat and hide the truth of himself from you all day long, but if you discover proof he is gay that's an issue.  

And what does he do?  again classic GID, he blames you, first for discovering the tapes and then for not being loving enough - don't let him get away with it, there's no kindness in that.  I don't know you but from reading your post it is clear to me that you are a loving person and he is taking advantage of that - he is being unkind to you.

From the sound of the content of the video he is a submissive.  It's more exciting for him if he's blindfolded.  That's a lot of gay sex action to organise and I doubt if it is a once only, it sounds to me like he is likely to be having a lot of gay sex in secret.

You are stuck because he is holding onto you when he shouldn't be.

Can I suggest a visit to the doctor and talk to your closest friends, family is best.

One thing you can be certain of - you can't make him happy.  He needs a man for that.



 

People do this often and "go back to the scene"to process the abuse and almost sexualize it. There's a sexual abuse forum i wanted to send u the link but i can't find it. This is something alot of men do and I've even had an ex tell me he does it as a way to "control" in his mind what happened. I would get professional help honey

If this were a legitimate therapeutic experience, he would not be blaming you for finding the video.  He's gay, and he's trying to con you into believing that he has a free pass on gay sex because he went through a tough religious upbringing and gay rape.  (Does that make any sense?)

He had to go out of his way to set up this experience(s).  It's not like this "just happened"; this required effort, planning and coordination (and apparently, a videographer).  He wanted gay sex (and admittedly, really messed up gay sex), and straight guys just don't want any flavor of gay sex.  Ever.

The question for you to answer is whether you want to be married to a really dishonest gay man who's trying to gaslight you.

Hi Meg,
Straight husband here. Please take no harm in my comments; they are coming from a place of love and a similar pain to my own. I feel the need to be a contrary voice in this thread. Your husband has some trauma that is like a bomb, and you are the unfortunate collateral damage that was standing too close to the blast radius.

This is rare for me (black-belt in low emotional intelligence), but I can completely understand your husband's struggle. I am in the military and have had to deal with my own PTSD, as well as the PTSD of my fellow servicemembers in my charge. It is something that is difficult to understand for those that have never had to go through it.

People who have watched our close friends in a burning helicopter understand the feeling of utter helplessness, wanting to have the power to change the situation. It is a scene that gets played in our minds over and over again. A recurring dream in both our waking and our sleeping hours. 

Modern PTSD psychology has found that replaying the scene, analyzing it, and coping with each frame in the video is therapeutic for the survivor. I can't explain it any more than you can, but this is what the shrinks say.

Your husband is replaying the scene so that he can analyze and cope with it. And he is the actor.

Please don't take this the wrong way. You are collateral damage, and you have every right to exit the relationship for your own safety and happiness.  

It seems that he has also made you an actor in his scene. He is having you help him replay the event so that he might cope with it in different contexts.

I don't know if he took pleasure in the homosexual recreated act(s), and I don't know if he ever intended to hurt you. I do know, for sure, that he needs continued therapy to deal with his own demons that were pushed on him. 

You did not sign up for these demons, and I assure you that they will persist until his dying day. His blaming you for finding the video is simply projection of his own insecurities, that manifested as blame and anger. I know it is hard to hear, but you shouldn't take it personally. It was bound to happen eventually, with any wife.

I cannot give you the advice to stay or to leave. But I do ask that, in either case, you give him some grace, and know that his internal struggle was never about you. In this case, I truly believe that it never mattered who was on the other side of the wedding aisle; it only mattered that somebody was there, to love him and reassure him.

Since that day, he has had recurring demons. These are not your demons to bear. These demons will probably haunt him for the rest of his life. I think that might be why he is guilting you into staying with him. 

He should not be guilting you into staying. A man should never guilt his wife into staying in the relationship. In my opinion, this is where he is failing your marriage.

You are an honorable wife for reaching out the way you did. Please know that you do not owe him a lifetime of therapeutic recovery, and that you are entitled to your own opportunity to seek a meaningful romantic relationship. I only ask that you don't hate him. This was not his choice.

 

Last edited by LonelyDude (November 5, 2023 10:14 pm)