My husband of 17 years, together 21, recently came out to me as what he considers bi, but really seems gay as I am the only woman he's ever dated or been interested in.  We've been having problems for years.  I would say since our first child was born 14 years ago and we started trying for #2.  He started having a lot of problem with ED and not being interested for a whole host of reasons.  Bad allergy season made him too tired at night, working too many overtime hours, just couldn't maintain erection, my crocheting at night made him feel like I was uninterested in him and distracted.   I let things go, we eventually used IVF after 4 years.  He didn't want to, I think he knew then and wanted out but couldn't say anything.

He told me recently that as a teenager, he only dated men and was only interested in men.  He never told me this.  He had previously only told me about his 2 single women he sort of dated and just left things vague.  He said he never had a serious long term relationship as a teenager or in college.  I didn't either, so I didn't find this strange. 

now he tells me there were lots of relationships, both his parents knew he was gay and his college roommate.  No one ever said anything to me.   This is the part that is hard.  How did so many people know and never say anything to me.  I feel like such a fool.    He told me he came out of a bad/unsafe relationship where he was almost raped.  He said when he met me and I was clearly interested in him, he thought he could have a normal life, like everyone else.  A wife and kids and he just closed off that part of his life.  He ghosted all his friends that knew he was gay and never said anything.

I feel like our whole relationship was built on lies and secrets.  This wasn't something he came to, he knew.

There was an incident about 8 years ago, when our youngest child was an infant.  He was on a business trip and got taken advantage of at a bar.  probably a team of a bartender and a woman.  He got robbed.  He says now he knew he didn't really do anything be he knew at that point that he was only interested in men.  He tells me this now.  But even 8 years ago, he knew.  He felt guilty and told me about it all right away.  It was hard for him but we moved past it.

I feel like this was the start of our problems.  From here on, he always felt there was a problem with our relationship that wasn't him.  It was always someone else's fault.   Never his fault.  It got worse after the pandemic, we were on lockdown for a long time.  I became unemployed and he was working for home under the threat of layoff for a year.  We didn't return to the office really ever.  

He started staying up late (3 am) or later, sleeping in late, so we hardly saw each other.    He became angry and distant.  We talked about there being problems, but I was mostly blamed.  I had changed too much.  I had ppd and I really struggled after my 3rd.  

He is also afraid to tell anyone he knows.  All his friends are conservative republicans.  He would lose all his friends.  There are no gay people in his circle.  

So now I'm keeping his secret.  I'm angry all the time at him.  For lying to me all these years.  For still being blamed for so much.  he does nothing around the house and I'm tired of asking.  I figure I might as well just keep doing it all so when we're divorced , its nothing new.   

I told him we should stay together for a few more years, for financial reasons and for the kids.  He makes twice as much as I do.  I'll never catch up.  I've taken too much time off work for the kids.  My career has been too limited.  Of course until this, I was happy with my career.  I was ok with making so little.  He made plenty.  We were a team.

I don't love him anymore.  I don't even like him.  I would not choose to spend time with him.  When we have gone on vacation, he was miserable.  Probably for the last 2 years.  

I don't have any friends.  I've never been good at making friends and I've only had a handful of real friends.  They've all fallen apart.  I have my parents close by, for which I'm glad, but I haven't told them.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed.  Also, my only other family besides my parents is his family.  We've become quite close.  I worry I would lose them or at the very least it would be come strained and distant. 

So right now, we sleep together in the same bed, don't talk much, eat dinner together with the kids and are unhappy.  I don't even know what advice to ask for for you.  But I haven't told anyone any of this, much less all of it.  I wish we had a spare bedroom.