Please know that all of this is normal. It's all part of the process that is the "mind fuck". 

I kept his "bi" secret for almost 3 years. Looking back, I do regret that. When he decided to  announce he was gay and abandon me, I spread the news far and wide. At first I found it so humiliating....to basically announce to the world that my marriage was a sham and my husband dumped me. And I felt so very stupid. I had to a field a ton of "how could you not know?!?!?!?!??!" and other ridiculous questions. But, I got through. And I feel so much freer. Having to keep his secret is going to weigh you down. You have the weight of that burden, and it colors everything and poisons the good moments you have.

It is a long process. And, I have had so many set backs, faceplanted, dragging myself out of the mud moments but I am still getting up every day and making it through. I am also slowly starting to get used to the fact that I have no idea what is going to happen next in my life. It leaves me unsettled, and I have a lot of anxiety....but, in the long run so far it is ever so slowly getting better

The whole question of "who can I tell" is so very difficult to navigate. I feel for you! I'm glad you have a therapist to help you navigate this.

I, too, carried secrets that weren't mine for far too long. It helped enormously when I finally told my closest friends. It made a huge difference in how I felt. And it's not like they didn't know SOMETHING was going on in my marriage.

I still struggle with what to say to casual acquaintances sometimes, not so much because I feel compelled to keep a secret, but because I simply don't want to get into it. And I don't owe anyone an explanation, so I generally just say something generic. Just as it was not my job to keep secrets, I personally think it's not my job to explain everything to people who aren't in my inner circle (unless I want to).

Perhaps you can come up with something meaningful to you that you could do instead of sending Christmas cards. Just for you, not as a couple.

It's an anxious and confusing time, but it will pass. There are brighter days ahead.


 

I appreciate this post. I have no reason to believe my partner has been unfaithful, but the common thread I notice is I would love to have friends with whom I can talk about what might change in my relationship with my partner. I cannot talk with my friends, though, because my partner has asked me not to share. Thank you for giving words to this challenge.

PixelArt wrote:

...... I cannot talk with my friends, though, because my partner has asked me not to share. Thank you for giving words to this challenge.

Not sharing this will eat you up inside. You will become more and more a second thought in your own life as you subserviently obey your partner who wants to protect himself, and his secret.

Elle
 

In regards to telling someone..  I had fierce absolute loyalty to my then wife.    But..  as soon as she started cheating...how loyal was I to be someone that was actively cheating?   To someone that hid a secret and held back affection from me for years..  It is and was a bad nightmare.    I was not unkind but I truly believe deep in my bones you are either for me or against me..   A spouse cannot be both counselor and confidant and an abuser and hurter at the same time..  

My life these days is so much better..  my friends and family I do not have to worry if they have any ulterior  motive or dark secrets..     Its refreshing to be with people that you would trust with your life that have fierce loyalty...   I can look back with sadness and bewilderment but in the end it was not me that unfaithful in the marriage...I gave true fierce love and kept all my marriage vows..and  that I can tell God in this life and the next.