Thank you for writing Butterfly and Anon. In response to Butterfly's post: 

1. I am starting to see how narcissistic my husband is and may always have been.

I'm so very sorry if he hurt you and your family. In my experience, once a straight spouse emotionally detaches from her closeted/questioning husband, she often sees his behaviours in a more objective light. 

2. He is like a wounded howling animal looking to be saved (by me). he feels he can go back to therapy, fix things and all will be rosy again.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Relationships and relational conflict patterns often follow the same script. If in the past his wounded animal routine worked in securing you back in the relationship, of course he'll try again. But be prepared. If you're showing resistance this time round he'll likely escalate things by threatening suicide, faking a health scare ("I have cancer!"), or  conjuring up stories of sexual abuse. He might also enlist friends and family to guilt you back into the relationship. 

3. Deep denial and delusions about his bisexuality. Crossdressing and he likes to be in the womans role in these hook up's and be submissive to the male. Either way it is all very weird to me.

Let's not sugar-coat this my friend: your husband is f*cking other men behind your back. That's cheating. 

4. If there are any good resources/books people have read/recommend, would appreciate it. I don't plan on staying with my husband, there is no way back for me from what he has done.

This might be a good starting point: OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT (boardhost.com). 

Again I'd urge you to get individual counselling with a qualified therapist and continue posting on your own thread. Be well! 

Thank you for posting Tara and Fritz. Fritz if you have any specific questions for me, feel free to post them below. In response to Tara's recent post: 

1. Sean, I listened to your podcast interviews and they’re SOO helpful for me…. THANK YOU!!! I’m not sure what phase of grief this may be, but I found myself laughing a lot in agreement, and that’s much better than crying.

Agreed. 

2. Question: he admitted years ago he “struggles against same sex attraction” and more recently stated that his fantasy is to be “pursued and ridiculed.”   What does that mean?   

I don't have a lot of information my friend so I can't really answer. If you want real answers, I'd ask him. Some people enjoy humiliation/domination during sex and this might be what he's referring to. 

3. He’s also admitted he has “arousal intertwined with exposure.”  I guess I’m just curious how that plays out, too.

Again I can't respond because I don't have enough information. If/when you've spoken with him, please feel free to post additional details for comment. 

Be well friends! 

Just a quick question as I continue to try and stay grounded in my own reality! My husband said earlier that because he was 'hooking up' with other men and not women he did not feel like he was 'cheating' on me. Is this just another layer to his denial? He is so split/compartmentalised I think he believes his own lies. He is also playing father of the year which is very hard to watch. 

Thank you for posting Butterfly and Diff. In response to Butterfly's post and questions: 

1. Just a quick question as I continue to try and stay grounded in my own reality! My husband said earlier that because he was 'hooking up' with other men and not women he did not feel like he was 'cheating' on me. Is this just another layer to his denial? 

Yes. While I'd discuss all of this with a mental health professional, he sounds "sexually gay" and yet "emotionally straight." If your husband has been denying an attraction to men for decades, then started cheating on you with men behind your back, all the while appearing perfectly comfortable with this jarring incongruity, then yes he's still in deep denial. A common excuse among husbands who cheat with men is, "It was just sex. I'm not looking for a relationship" because men of a certain age define a true relationship as being exclusively between a man and a woman. They simply don't see same sex relationships as valid; often because of religious indoctrination. While I don't have a lot of information here, questioning husbands in denial may see cheating with men as nothing more than "scratching a sexual itch." In the closeted man's mind, he can't be gay so oftentimes he has to invent elaborate reasons why he's f*cking men such as: young/drunk and in college "exploring"; it was childhood sexual trauma; my wife's to blame because she [insert bullsh*t excuse here]. These are often lies. In his mind, the cause of his same sex attraction has to be external, and often evil, because to believe otherwise would mean he was born gay.    

2. He is so split/compartmentalised I think he believes his own lies.

I agree. But once a straight spouse (you) knows, questions, and challenges him, this often leads to an identity crisis. It's one thing for him to watch gay porn, chat on hook up apps, and have sex with men in the relative safety/secrecy of his own closet because he's often being doing this for decades. In fact, he's quite comfortable in his dark closet. However, it's on another level when he's doing all of these things with the closet door wide open while a wife constantly questions/challenges him in the blinding light of truth/reality.   

3. He is also playing father of the year which is very hard to watch.

I sometimes refer to this as a "honeymoon stage." Following discovery of a husband cheating with men, he plays at being the best husband/father to secure his wife back in the relationship. So he initiates sex, acts like a love-struck teenager, and (often) plays father of the year...often after years of little to no sex, emotional abuse, and childhood abandonment. Based on my time here, gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) can't keep it up for more than 3-4 months. And why? You can't tread water with bricks forever. 

I hope that helps friend. Please feel free to post again. Good luck! 

Diff I guess wrote:

Gay men like attention from other guys. They like it when other guys find them attractive.
….
He isn’t anywhere near as concerned about his lack of attraction to women as you are.
….
Now I don’t know if he has cheated or not or just looked but not touched….  

Diff, thank you.  Your words are incredibly validating.

He’s admitted that he more attracted to older men “because” his dad was emotionally unavailable.   He admitted he gets excited when any older man pays him attention/emotionally invests.

I could always tell it wasn’t my eyes that he wanted when he was working so hard to be fit.
And he had this weird competition with me.   Like if I’d complain about my love handles he would his.  Other times if I was like “oh I lost 5 lbs!” he would tell me how much he lost.   If I was like “I hit a new PR” he would tell me about his.   Just immediately turned the convo to himself without really telling me what I wanted to hear. 😂

I agree, he seems completely clueless that his NON attraction to women is an issue for me.

I don’t know if he’s cheated or not either.  At this point I don’t care — it doesn’t matter.  Although  I would like to know (am I contradicting myself?).  Just that it wouldn’t change my desire to be free of him.
The problems for me..
*he doesn’t really want me.  I want to be wanted.
*he’s lied to /gaslighted me about some really weird shit, which broke trust
*he’s gaslighted me about our lack of emotional connection, telling me my expectations are just too high but more recently admitting that he purposefully avoided relationship with me

I think each one of these stand alone as a good enough reason to be done.