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1 of 1- John_64
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My wife is Bisexual, but thinks she might be Lesbian
I don't even know where to start...I am hoping that someone can at least give me some advice, or even kind words would be appreciated. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and I am thankful to have found Our Path.
My wife and I have been married now for 3 years and we have been together 5 years. We worked together at the same place for a year before starting to date. We own a home now and have 2 dogs together. I feel that we have always had strong communication and we both come from very similar backgrounds so we have a lot in common.
My wife shared with me early in our relationship that she had been with another girl when she was 16 years old. She didn't go into a lot of detail at that time, but said that her parents didn't approve of the relationship. I felt very secure in our relationship at that time and I don't remember all the details thinking of it now, but I tried to be as supportive as I could and reassured her that it was ok and empathized with her about the situation.
Another year goes by and we have been living together for awhile, adopted an 8 week old puppy and later another dog. Things seemed to be going very well, we loved just spending time together, laughing, and sharing life. We purchased our first home together and after about 7 or 8 months of living there together I proposed to her and she said yes. We set a date ~1 year away. A few months before our wedding day, she shared with me more details about her previous relationship with this girl as well as another girl that she messed around with between relationships with other men. She had been struggling with her past sexual feelings towards women and lack of closure. She started to see a counselor again in hopes to work through her feelings. She made it clear to me that she wanted to be together and she just needed to "work through" it all. Again I tried to be as supportive as possible and even suggested that we go to counseling together. We discussed postponing the wedding date, but we both felt confident in our relationship and we pushed forward. Perhaps this is where I went wrong, I was clearly naive in thinking that this was something we could overcome.
Fast forward to today and we have gone to couple’s counseling, my wife is still struggling with her strong feelings towards women. She feels as though she needs to explore her feelings more because she did not have more opportunities to do this when she was younger. So basically we are looking at separating. She still wants to be together after separating unless she realizes that she is lesbian
Last edited by John_64 (June 29, 2023 3:24 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My wife is Bisexual, but thinks she might be Lesbian
John_64 wrote:
...... So basically we are looking at separating. She still wants to be together after separating unless she realizes that she is lesbian
Welcome to our Forum John 
Your wife obviously wants her cake, and to eat it, AND enjoy the icing of the safety of marriage until she decides she doesn't need you any more.
Well...that's just a one-sided and selfish attitude, that you don't have to accept though we all know here that it's not easy to make the decision to do something about the Mindfuck we find ourselves in.
My advice is always...apart from that you're entitled to be angry at the unfairness of this.....to find somebody to talk to who you trust and who you know won't break your confidences, because when you speak to a good listener....it makes more sense when you hear it out loud.
Keep posting, there are men here who will have sound advice for you
Elle
KIA KAHA
- ellierigg
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Re: My wife is Bisexual, but thinks she might be Lesbian
Hey John!
You are not alone. Right now you don’t know how everything will turn out, but whatever happens- you will get through it. And there is no reason for you to not be happy and fulfilled in your life again.
Feel all the feelings and stay true to who you are. Post here as much as you like, let it all out.
Hug
- Daryl
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Re: My wife is Bisexual, but thinks she might be Lesbian
And what are you supposed to do while she is out deciding if she'll be a lesbian and looking for Mz. Right ? This is a one-sided deal, all for her comfort. Meanwhile, I expect you'll be siting on a fence, waiting to see where she lands. Do you deserve this ?
I'm not saying she shouldn't be allowed to figure herself out. But perhaps you're not obligated to put your life on hold during that time and wait. Why does the same-sex aspect make it not what it really is. Cheating on your spouse. Breaking their commitment to you while you are expected to maintain yours.
Unpack your needs and don't lose yourself in this. One of our posters had a great quote in their tag line. "You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
Just a little food for thought. Once you separate, or otherwise bless her exploration, it's a big change that there may be no coming back from.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Ordinary guy
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Re: My wife is Bisexual, but thinks she might be Lesbian
She feels the need to explore her true self John. She may be content with the idea that she is just exploring at the moment. By exploring she will only eventually make a discovery. You don’t want to get married to someone who may have your children and then discover real love with another woman. This is in fact the nightmare scenario. Trust me. I have been on the straight partner rollercoaster. I have been to the straight partner’s gift shop.I have the mug, T-shirt and life changing injuries.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Blackie563
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Re: My wife is Bisexual, but thinks she might be Lesbian
Take the time you need, while realizing its not selfish to prioritize you. As others have said, this is entirely a one side deal, the best of all worlds for her and the worst for you. I was in a similar position on Aug 7 last year. Nearly identical to yours, except mine never said she was with a woman prior or had any thoughts or feelings prior to starting her affair. We were married 19 years and 23 together. What I can tell you, I reflected on many things, suffered many nights; I thought being an adult meant having lots of anxiety. Upon reflection, I had my first anxiety attack 6 months after meeting her, and in the 6+ months since cutting her out of my life entirely, not only do I not have attacks, I am a true sense of peace even when things are difficult.
I am not saying our paths are the same. That said, if she loves you and is able to see beyond her own selfish desires, she will know what she is asking is untenable and unreasonable. That said, if you agree and choose to wait it out, then that is your path. Be well my friend, I am sorry you are in this situation, its incredibly challenging. Better to know now than 20 years in....
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My wife is Bisexual, but thinks she might be Lesbian
...... Better to know now than 20 years in....
And when you get twenty years in John it's a lot harder to actually see the harm it does to live with somebody who is same-sex attracted because you're looking through 20 years that will invariably have many good times that pull you back in.
Pets and children. They are investments that add to a great life with your "best friend" and make you less willing to take into account how this may impact
your life.
Twenty years into my 38yrs with A we had so much history that I was loathe to put my own happiness above what we had together. I had 12 more years of good/bad, happy/sad, wtf/omg, I hate this/but how can I leave!
And it's taken 6 years from the time I knew I had to do something to actually leaving him.
Elle
KIA KAHA