Thank you Sam. I appreciate your reply. That was the point was to try to save money. We only had the first appointment with the mediator and I'm willing to follow up in another couple of weeks and see if I can get some of my questions answered. I'm just feeling scared and down in the dumps today. Somebody told me good mediation means both parties give something up and I feel like yesterday's appointment felt like it was mostly me giving things up.

Last edited by Hailyourself (June 29, 2023 12:44 pm)

Hailyourself, while I haven't yet been to the mediator, I'm planning on doing that as well. And indeed, mediator is supposed to just help you agree on what you want, everything should be negotiable.

Also, I wanted to correct you a bit: a good negotiation in general leaves everyone with what they wanted (at least what they think they wanted) and not with everyone loosing.
But yes, definitely you should not be giving everything up. And yes, I'd think your kid might have a say.
Maybe change the mediator?

 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Hail....at 15 your son's wishes and concerns should definitely be taken in to consideration.
Isn't a mediator supposed to be for the adults? Expressing an opinion about where your son should live sounds like it's a personal suggestion of the mediator.

That's my opinion anyway. And as a mother I will always listen to the concerns of a child , rather than a stranger who will have...edited to say.... His or her own personal view on what is a very contentious issue that seems to come down to who should be seen too be supported more.

Elle

That was my understanding as well. The mediator who I guess used to be a family law attorney said that studies show divorce isn't what harmed children it's conflict that does. Almost like guilting me into backing down I guess...idk. We meet with her again in August and I have more questions. Obviously nothing is carved in stone. But after digesting the information for 24 hours, I'm not super comfortable with the situation. I need more input. And yes, 15 almost 15 and a half. By the time all of this is said and done will very likely be 16. So ridiculous to put somebody so close to adulthood through all of this.
Separation is highly necessary now. The temperature in this home is high tension. Pretty much all of the time. MTF trans soon to be ex Spouse says that he needs space and wants to be separated but cannot leave the home until the divorce is finalized. Which I know before anybody tells me is complete and utter nonsense.

Hailyourself wrote:

...The mediator who I guess used to be a family law attorney said that studies show divorce isn't what harmed children it's conflict that does. Almost like guilting me into backing down I guess...idk
....
Separation is highly necessary now. The temperature in this home is high tension....

My understanding is that the divorce harms children if they don't get access to the father and the mother. The conflict does make getting this access worse (especially if one parent badmouths another one, and tries to separate the other from the kids). But it is possible to be good parents to the kids, while being in conflict and not communicating much to each other.
However, in case of trans, I have doubts that there will be beneficial healthy male behavior from your husband to grant him a lot of access to the child.
But of course, you know your situation better than anyone, and the son should have a say as well.