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1 of 1- DovahDoll
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I feel Cruel and Guilty
After doing a lot of research and reflecting on everything, I have realized my ex was likely an autogynephelic and could possibly not even be gay after all. I recognize that isn't necessarily something I want... as I do want to be with a masculine man especially during sex because that is what is affirming to ME. Being with someone who wanted to "be me" while having sex really mentally tormented me and confused me and made me think I wasn't attractive because sex was so awkward and forced on both ends. However, due to this realization, I realize how mean and shitty it must have been for me to get in arguments with him and over and over rub in his face "YOU ARE GAY WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME INTO STAYING? WHY ARE YOU USING ME AS A COVER?" This resulted in him sometimes breaking down crying and sometimes even getting physical with me to the point of strangulation, suffocation with a pillow and other physical attacks although that wasn't too often. However, I recognize if the person I loved and cared about who I just wanted acceptance from was attacking me and calling me something I wasn't (GAY instead of autogynephilic where he just wants to be perceived as womanly during sex) I would definitely have a problem with it too. I don't know. I just feel like a terrible person recently. I feel like if I was better at accepting him and loving him unconditionally, I wouldn't have traumatized him the way I did and probably made him feel uncomfortable sharing this side of himself with anyone else for the rest of his life. I hope I don't feel guilty forever and I really hope I didn't fuck up something that could've been magical if I didn't take his own personal fetish as a reflection of ME and who I am/ how I look.
- Anon42
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Re: I feel Cruel and Guilty
DovahDoll wrote:
... This resulted in him sometimes breaking down crying and sometimes even getting physical with me to the point of strangulation, suffocation with a pillow and other physical attacks although that wasn't too often. ... I wouldn't have traumatized him the way I did...
I'm very sorry this is happenong to you. It is absolutely not your fault.
Now, maybe it's a bit harsh, but I think you need to worry more about not being killed than about "traumatizing" him. I think you need to move out as soon as possible (enlist help of other people you know, family, friends) and leave. Ok, perhaps do some planning before the move by reading up and consulting with people who survived abusive relationahips.
Document any signs of strangulation if this ever occurs again for the police.
- lily
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Re: I feel Cruel and Guilty
Why feel cruel and guilty? I wouldn't second guess yourself - unpacking your post a bit it seems possible to me that the strangulation and suffocation were included in sex acts? If not, if they're threats or attempts to murder you then that is very serious and entirely unjustified by any verbal assault you might have subjected him to.
You have done nothing wrong, all you've done is stick up for yourself.
IMO underlying all the differing types, the glaringly obvious reason a man wants to dress up as a woman is to attract a man.
My suggestion is give yourself a hug. Thank yourself for getting away from him and then give yourself another hug. and then another one for being a nice person. Look forward to the day that this experience is far enough into the past that you can feel it is in the rear view mirror.