JK, I think I might have a few underlying issues as well. My first marriage was to a cold, unemotionally available man who beat me down in our divorce. I was so happy to meet my ex because he was so nice and I thought he would never hurt me. I honestly thought he would never cheat, turn cold, or be dishonest. Boy, talk about projecting my hopes on him, and not seeing the real him. I guess then I ignored anything that didn't fit, and when I doubted him, I blamed myself for being suspicious of "such a nice man."

Only in looking back does it all click into place.

Well, never again. I'll stay single before I will let anyone lie to me and hold me at arms length. I treat myself better than either of my exes did!

Ugh. So hard.

Though I do struggle with how to rationalize  the 10 years + we spent together.  What on earth was I thinking!  Why didn't I see what was going on.

There is no way to make sense of most of the past and the way the closeted one still tries to play the victim. Accepting that most of the past will never make sense sometimes needs to suffice. We are not sociopaths and do not use people for a purpose like we were used. We straights cannot fathom someone doing this, yet we have the trauma of knowing it was done to us by someone we loved and trusted most in life. That can never make sense to us except to know that we were used to hide or maybe cure someone's gayness even while he/she explored it.

I never got a full confession, but all the pieces can easily be put together. The excuses about what I found and about what he was caught doing are absurd. I saw the lies very clearly even as he claimed remorse. That's not remorse. That's just more BS to someone who finally could see it and make better judgements about the info I heard or observed. He's sorry he got caught or he would have told the full truth and not tried to gaslight me during my greatest grief after I realized I was married to a fraud.

What I've suffered as a mother for standing up to TGT will never make sense and is unbeariinly painful at times. Most of my kids have come around and now see their father is a BS artist who is emotionally unstable. They love him anyways. They were taught well.

After our divorce, i started a new relationship that has helped me to see even more how much I was played, used and abused by my ex. Being loved as a woman and as an individual instead of being resented as a woman (and occasionally feeling loved as a person) has definitely helped me to heal. It's incredibly healing but it is only one aspect of healing, though a major one. Beacuase you asked: Once/if you're ready, I recommend casual dating and just having fun and laughing with a man who you know is straight from the desire in his eyes. It's healing, especially the flirting. Know what you want and be cautious, but it's a whole new world to explore!