I had a moment in this entire process where I contemplated taking a bottle of sleeping pills. Just to end the mind fuck. I was in so much mental and physical pain from his actions I just wanted a break. I reached out in my pain and asked him for help. And he told me he didn't want to deal with my drama. I laid on the floor, in the dark, and cried for hours. Then I picked myself up and went back to the motions of getting through yet another day.

I held him accountable for his actions the other day, because I had just reached the end of my rope and I was drowning. So I asked him to give me the money he owed me. He threw an epic toddler style tantrum, screamed at me about how evil I am because he just feels like he should "off himself" all the time and he isn't some endless pit of money, and couldn't I see how much he was hurting?!!?!??!?!? and then hung up on me.

He moved out months ago.....and yet, here I am, still cleaning up his messes because he refuses to take any accountability for his action and (as per usual) expects me to pick up the pieces and manage everything. I also found out his plan was to do the divorce online, without me being present or any of my input....like I just don't exist. Have no say. Don't even need to see my own divorce papers.

You are now stuck on a desert island with a stranger. A stranger who has just decided to decimate your life and everything you thought you knew. This is the time to talk to a lawyer. Reach out to friends and family (and if he or anyone else gets mad at you for "outing" him tell them to shove it, this is YOUR story). Get into counseling. Start to work on the emotional bridge away from him that you are going to so desperately need. It's a horrible, awful process. This is the worst thing I've ever gone through in my life. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

It will not feel like it now....but, the one small mercy is that you are on day 5. And he has shown his true colors. It took 3 years of my gay husband fucking around with my life and gas lighting and everything else before he chose to destroy my life doing the one thing he promised never to do. He left me as a literal shell of a human being. He is giving you all the red flags, take it at face value and GET OUT.

Anon2222 wrote:

I had a moment in this entire process where I contemplated taking a bottle of sleeping pills. Just to end the mind fuck. I was in so much mental and physical pain from his actions I just wanted a break. I reached out in my pain and asked him for help. And he told me he didn't want to deal with my drama. I laid on the floor, in the dark, and cried for hours. Then I picked myself up and went back to the motions of getting through yet another day.

I held him accountable for his actions the other day, because I had just reached the end of my rope and I was drowning. So I asked him to give me the money he owed me. He threw an epic toddler style tantrum, screamed at me about how evil I am because he just feels like he should "off himself" all the time and he isn't some endless pit of money, and couldn't I see how much he was hurting?!!?!??!?!? and then hung up on me.

He moved out months ago.....and yet, here I am, still cleaning up his messes because he refuses to take any accountability for his action and (as per usual) expects me to pick up the pieces and manage everything. I also found out his plan was to do the divorce online, without me being present or any of my input....like I just don't exist. Have no say. Don't even need to see my own divorce papers.

You are now stuck on a desert island with a stranger. A stranger who has just decided to decimate your life and everything you thought you knew. This is the time to talk to a lawyer. Reach out to friends and family (and if he or anyone else gets mad at you for "outing" him tell them to shove it, this is YOUR story). Get into counseling. Start to work on the emotional bridge away from him that you are going to so desperately need. It's a horrible, awful process. This is the worst thing I've ever gone through in my life. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

It will not feel like it now....but, the one small mercy is that you are on day 5. And he has shown his true colors. It took 3 years of my gay husband fucking around with my life and gas lighting and everything else before he chose to destroy my life doing the one thing he promised never to do. He left me as a literal shell of a human being. He is giving you all the red flags, take it at face value and GET OUT.

I can honestly say I am there. I just want this all to end. I never thought I'd be the one get to here in all of this. The only thing keeping me here is my kids. 

What a total mindfuck to have someone blow up everything you knew-- and somehow make ME want to die. 

I am just so sorry this happened to you, too. 

I don't want to lose my house. Or uproot my kids. But I have been a stay at home for the majority of our relationship. I'm near penniless. I get it-- its time to talk to a lawyer and figure out what I am entitled to. But how does one even retain a lawyer in my situation? 

At this point, it is very clear that we need time apart to process-- but that's not possible right now. I really identified when you said stuck on an island with a stranger. That hit me to my core. That's exactly what it feels like. And some moments that stranger is kind. Some, unkind. And that swing is what is all consuming. 

I've remained very passive and very kind-- for my kids. But also because we (my husband and I) had originally spoken about how we still want to do life together. So I feel like I have been on a constant bed of eggshells. Radically hyperaware of everything going on. And really fucking considerate. And in almost no way-- he is not being as gentle with me as I him. 

Sadly, the gaslighting and the lies and the deceit did not all start a week ago when this bomb dropped. It's just that my finding his stash of women's underwear by total accident-- made him have to address this head on. 

I can't thank you enough for reaching out and for sharing your perspective. It means more than I could ever say. 

May.b,

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I was in this situation myself. 17 years of my life wasted to be ambushed with a phone call about the other being trans. I never saw it coming and was totally blindsided. One phone call changed my life, not even a face to face apology or discussion. This coward moved me across the country not knowing a single soul to another state miles away from my family. COVID hit and entire country on lock down when I got the call with no remorse. I was in a blizzard storm  freezing in the dark. It was like a bad twilight zone but it was real and now part of my story.

I know you are in a tough spot financially. But if you can reach out to some churches that might have legal resources. My friend used one in my state and only paid according to your income. Hers was done almost pro bono.

The news and shock still hits me. The person I thought I knew was fake. The gaslighting and lies was unbelievable.

Things were amicable until they weren’t. I still had compassion and found therapist to help the other. Meanwhile the other was in dating and hookup sites and sexting men married nake pics in lingerie and bad wigs and makeup. This is when things turn bad very quickly.

I fought for everything I DESERVED! Please remember when divorcing a dishonest partner to have everything in writing and leave up to lawyers if possible. This is no time to be nice as this is to secure YOUR future and your children’s lives. Treat this as a financial transaction.

I’m almost 2 1/2 years out. There are good and bad days but it’s turning around.

I’m hope the best for you. Be strong and look after yourself.

And telling YOUR truth and your pain is not outing someone. Do not let the gaslighting continue.

Be well!

Last edited by LostAtSea (June 19, 2023 7:58 pm)

LostAtSea wrote:

May.b,

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I was in this situation myself. 17 years of my life wasted to be ambushed with a phone call about the other being trans. I never saw it coming and was totally blindsided. One phone call changed my life, not even a face to face apology or discussion. This coward moved me across the country not knowing a single soul to another state miles away from my family. COVID hit and entire country on lock down when I got the call with no remorse. I was in a blizzard storm  freezing in the dark. It was like a bad twilight zone but it was real and now part of my story.

I know you are in a tough spot financially. But if you can reach out to some churches that might have legal resources. My friend used one in my state and only paid according to your income. Hers was done almost pro bono.

The news and shock still hits me. The person I thought I knew was fake. The gaslighting and lies was unbelievable.

Things were amicable until they weren’t. I still had compassion and found therapist to help the other. Meanwhile the other was in dating and hookup sites and sexting men married nake pics in lingerie and bad wigs and makeup. This is when things turn bad very quickly.

I fought for everything I DESERVED! Please remember when divorcing a dishonest partner to have everything in writing and leave up to lawyers if possible. This is no time to be nice as this is to secure YOUR future and your children’s lives. Treat this as a financial transaction.

I’m almost 2 1/2 years out. There are good and bad days but it’s turning around.

I’m hope the best for you. Be strong and look after yourself.

And telling YOUR truth and your pain is not outing someone. Do not let the gaslighting continue.

Be well!

My goodness I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to respond. And I am just so sorry that you are/had to go through this, too.

Your advice about the legal council through a church was amazing advice. I was not aware those resources existed. So thank you for being a life raft to me in that way. I have a lot of research to do. I really appreciate you.

And thank you for noting that I need to fight for what I/my kids deserve. That’s so true. In just the short span of little over a week— my husband has already gone on a spending spree. Be it clothes or secret appointments…and I can’t go down with that financial drain. Because he has lived this way for his whole life— now he feels like it’s finally his time. I don’t think he will spare any expense. He’s always been the spender— and I’ve always been frugal. This has never been more apparent than now.

I am hopeful that you have good days now. I feel like that will never happen again. I feel physically ill. I can’t concentrate. I don’t think I’ve really smiled in 3 days— just forced ones for my kids. I have a hard time eating. And I feel like a shell of the human I once was. So thank you for perspective.

Lastly— I’m sloooooowly coming around to the fact that I can’t hold this secret for him anymore. Yes— there are some people that know. But I have a whole other host of friends who are in the dark and very concerned. I’m trying to figure out I was to participate in this gaslighting vs self care. I had someone just this morning say, “Are you ok? You don’t seem it. How can I help?” And I nearly spilled the basic happenings. But didn’t. Because I am so fucking scared of the “outing” accusations again.

Just…thank you. Very much.

may.b wrote:

....... And being under the same roof has brought up feelings I never knew I could have. Chief amount them? HYPER VIGILANCE of everything going on in my house. My body just won’t settle. My mind won’t turn off. Not until I get some answers, I think.......

 

There's a 99.999999999999% chance you'll never get the answers you want, so when your mind settles (and it will settle) it'll be because getting those answers doesn't matter anymore. 

There is nothing wrong with hyper-vigilance. You'll have the spidey-senses like any straightspouse who learns to watch, listen, absorb and record. It'll all be to your benefit and help the 'uncoupling'. Whenever you feel tense or triggered....breathe. Breathe deeply and remind yourself you're breathing for you and your children

E