OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Mothersee
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Hi my name is Staci my husband of 27 years is now identifying as non binary gender fluid using they/them pronouns
I'm struggling with this change mostly with my husband dressing differently when he feels feminine he dresses in skirts and leggings I'm struggling with public view of this we haven't had any problems with anyone saying anything I guess it just makes me self conscious I don't know how to make this change ok for me i want to be supportive but it's hard cause the person I married is not here anymore. He's 48 yrs old he discovered this late in life due to family expectations so he just in the last year had been exploring his gender identity. I truly want him to be happy but at the same time I want the person I married back I feel selfish for wanting that thank you
Last edited by Mothersee (June 19, 2023 1:04 pm)
- Abby
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Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. Please do not feel guilty about your feelings. Presumably you dated and married him because you were attracted to him physically as a male. If he is wearing feminine clothing outside the home likely he is also changing his body to appear more feminine. He may also change how he expects you to interact with this persona..
They may tell you that all they are doing is being their true self but you should not try to suppress your own true self to keep them happy. Stay in touch with your feelings. Don't let him become your girlfriend and do girls nights out and hair/makeup/shopping if that makes you uncomfortable. If possible, find a trusted friend or a counselor who will support you as you sort through this and not shame you for not cheering them on. This IS a big change after 27 years.
Please read the introductory material and find virtual support here. You are not alone.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Mothersee wrote:
Hi my name is Staci my husband of 27 years is now identifying as non binary gender fluid using they/them pronouns
I'm struggling with this change......I don't know how to make this change ok for me i want to be supportive but it's hard cause the person I married is not here anymore. ........I truly want him to be happy but at the same time I want the person I married back I feel selfish for wanting that thank you
Hi Staci...welcome to our Forum 
I'm sorry to say in all the stories and accounts I've heard by and about straightspouses not once have I heard of one of them "getting back" the man they married. Keeping a secret as long as sometimes 40 years means they have time and space to accept it.
This is now your challenge....to accept the chance (that he's actually given you) to discover who you were before you found out the man you loved is somebody else.
What you don't have to accept is having to be comfortable with how he dresses and how he wants to be addressed because that may be his story but it certainly isn't yours.
As far as feeling selfish and guilty goes....your husband may have offloaded all of his on to you (because you're a woman & a mother that's often how it goes right?) and you've taken on all the emotions & anxiety because that's what we do.
It's easy Staci...to be supportive of somebody who, in turning his life inside out.....flips yours on it's back so you don't know which side is up! and you forget that you matter just as much.
Find a trusted someone to talk to if you haven't already...a friend, family member, counsellor. And talk
to us...
Elle
KIA KAHA
- ellierigg
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Hey Staci!
I am sorry you are here but I’m glad you found us.
What I have to give today (and it’s been 3 months since I separated from the man who I thought was the love of my life and a perfect man) is- it gets so much better. At first it hurts like hell. I’ve never known the pain as hard as this one was. But after only 3 months I am so much better and discovering myself again.
At firat we don’t want to accept and let go, but when we finally do- life can become very lively again.
I don’t hold a grudge, I just concentrate on myself.
Hope this phase comes to you as quickly as it can.
We’re here for you. Let it all out.
Last edited by ellierigg (June 19, 2023 3:22 pm)
- Rob
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Mothersee,
Do not feel guilty. Do not guilty for asking him to honor the basic arrangement of the marriage..that you married a male. If he ceases to honor the arrangement then you should not feel bad for reacting and feeling hurt.
We love these spouses but they hurt us. We cannot take an infinite amount of hurt though
.I don't think God thought we could.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7