You do not deserve this treatment from anyone.

Do you have any close friends or family that you can talk to ? Even though they cannot do much about your situation, they might be able to help you glue some of your pieces back together.

Don't accept that you are entitled to nothing. You are allowed to feel and to grieve.
I also expect that you have a legal claim to more than the door. For that you need legal advice.
Work at your own speed, but quietly figure out what your options are.
I'm sure others here will also have great advice.
Remember that you matter.

Please know you are not alone. There are so many of us chin deep in what we fondly refer to as the "mind fuck". 

Married 20 years over here and had my husband atom bomb my life by sitting down beside me and saying "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you" and then just abandoning me. It took about 6 months just to pick myself up off the floor.

I had this vision of it being amicable, that we would come to a consensus, consider both of us, and set it up so we could remain somewhat in each other's lives. I started with this vision of a man who loved me, didn't want to hurt me, and had just figured this all out and wanted to do this in a way that would make it as easy for both of us as possible.

I didn't expect to find out I was married to a complete stranger with an anger problem. Someone who would expect and demand that I clean up all of his messes, with a smile on my face no less. That I was to support his whole new life and just happily work two jobs to pay for all the bills that he was legally required to pay 50% of. That I was supposed to just sit back and have him go through the whole divorce process without my involvement and all I would have to do is sign the papers.

Instead I paid an obscene amount of money to retain a lawyer and do the long, tedious, contentious, awful process of divorcing with all the meticulous steps signed off.....because I don't trust him enough to even remotely consider me in the process. 

I find it sad that I now have a fundamental distrust of people. And if anyone says anything nice to me I struggle with it....because I'm waiting for the veiled insults, the cutting comments, to be told how wrong I am, to deal with the toddler style temper tantrums, and to be told that google outweighs what my lawyer says so he doesn't have to pay for anything.

I am more tired than I have ever been in my life. I'm pretty sure stress has aged me about 20 years. I am a shell of who I once was. But I will get up, and go on to another day, and see what life has to offer.

The forum is great for when you just need to talk to someone who "gets it". And many here can provide insight and advice around this process. There are also a lot of empathetic ears to listen.

may.be,

Welcome..  

No i dont think you will be homeless.     You will need to get a job but I think that will be better than what you described; a hurtful husband..   it is really abuse as I learned regardless of whether they physically hit us or not.

No, tell who you want and build your support system.     I'm years out and so much better to get away from a controlling wife who isolated me from family and friends...  
 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

may.b wrote:

... I do have friends to reach out to. And I have. With the permission of my partner....

May....I know it probably feels like you should be mindful and respectful of your husband but you shouldn't have to get permission to talk about something that's happening in your life.. happening to you.

By all means choose those you confide in well but don't allow him to be in charge of this experience. He will run you into the ground.

Elle
 

Thank you for your informative response. It means more than I could ever say.

I needed to hear your words because I have really gotten lost in this. I am trying to hold it together for my kids. And my family as a whole. And the trans experience is topping all other things right now.

But I have experienced this, too. I’ve wanted to scream that. In fact, I have. But I recently found out that my husband has been suicidal over this at times— so now everything feels like life or death.

One of the most isolating loads I have ever been asked to bear.

Thank you for the reminder about being run into the ground. I need all the foresight I can get.

may.b wrote:

........But I recently found out that my husband has been suicidal over this at times— so now everything feels like life or death.......

My partner of (then) 32 years sent me an email confessing a desire to one day be fucked by a man.....but also said "if anybody else reads this I'll die" 
I would put your husbands suicidal thoughts/attempts/threats in the same basket. These are adult men, trying to keep the secret of who they really are from others and using the person they think should have their back as an emotional punching bag. 
My initial thoughts when I read "if anybody reads this I'll die" was to go into my caring, supportive almost-maternal mode and reassure him that nobody else would read it. But if you, as I did, look at what he is doing and saying as using you to hide behind so he doesn't have to face what's happening...you'll start to realise the unfairness of the burden he's expecting you to carry. Your husband is a grown man, stop allowing him to lean on you. 
You can still be supportive but put your own oxygen mask on first before you help him because it doesn't sound like he'd do it for you and frankly...as a straightspouse.....you are the one who needs the strength to save yourself

Elle