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June 6, 2023 5:43 pm  #2211


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing M-Kate. There wasn't a lot of detail in your post so I'm taking the liberty of responding to your first post. Here goes: 

1. My husband and I have been married for 29 years.  About 6 weeks ago he revealed that he is bisexual.   He told me because he expected that I would find out through someone who was blackmailing him.   He was trying to set up interactive gay porn on his phone and was hacked.   In total he gave the blackmailer and the private detective that he hired over $15,000.   

Wow. I'm so sorry he put you through all of this. You deserve better. 

2. During our conversation he told me that he was probably addicted to porn, was very interested in having anal sex performed on him, he would like to give and receive oral sex with a man and would love to have a threesome if I would be interested.   In addition, he admitted that if he hadn’t gotten caught because of the blackmailer, he would have tried to hook up with a man to explore this part of his sexuality.   Hearing all of this totally blindsided me.

Again, I'm so very sorry he blindsided you my friend. You deserve so much better. Even under duress, most closeted husbands minimize, lie, and evade. With this in mind, I'm going to rewrite the above based on my own journey and based on many years of exchanges here: 

"During our conversation he told me that he was addicted to gay porn, has had anal sex with men for years, and enjoys giving/receiving oral sex with a man. In addition, he admitted that he'd he'd exchanged naked videos and photos with his blackmailer. He's been cheating with men for years." 

Based on my experience, I believe the above is a more accurate version of events. 

3. This led to me asking him about his past experiences.   He said that he went to a few gay bars in college but never did anything.   

Lie. If my calculations are correct, your husband was going to gay bars at the height of the AIDS crisis. Again if my timeline is correct, I want to stress how motivated he must have been to go to gay bars at such a young age while the gay community was being ravaged by the "gay cancer." This suggests more than just "curiousity." 

4. However, about 10 years ago (when our son was about 9 years old) he found someone on Craig’s list under MOM sex.  He went to the man’s house and they rubbed their dicks together & jerked each other off.   I wanted to know all the details.   The guy was a flight attendant.   They were standing up and lying on the bed. They both came and then finished their beers and then my husband left.   I asked him whether he felt any shame because he cheated on me.   I don’t think that he felt any remorse at all. 

Truth. He likely didn't feel remorse about it because this probably wasn't his first time. Sorry if that stings my friend but that is a massive red flag. 

5. He said that he was curious about it and never did it again.    

Sigh. Yet another lie. As I've shared in multiple "Our Path" podcast interviews, "curious" is a fallback for closeted/questioning husbands. "Curious" is trying something spicy once at your local Chinese restaurant, not gorging on the all d*ck menu for decades.  

6. However, he now says that this whole recent experience with the blackmailer and the fact that he hurt me so much was a wake-up call. He wants to work on our marriage and will not try to seek out sex with a man.  He said that we will stop watching so much porn.  He does not want to blow up our lives or traumatize our son (now 19 living at home & attending college).   We discussed that divorce would hurt us both financially. 

Here I believe he's telling the truth. While your husband may want to stay married and also stop having sex with men, the facts suggest he's been having sex with men and/or cheating on you for decades. 

7. I don’t want to be alone, but I feel angry that he has lied, cheated and deceived me. 

100% agree. 

8. It will be hard to trust him again.    We’re trying to communicate more and have sex more often.   He said that I never initiated sex in the past and so I’m doing so now and trying to be open to using “toys”. 

Please get tested for STDs/STIs and only practice safe sex with your husband (read: condoms). With regards to his bullsh*t blame shift that you're not agressive enough, this is a common distraction among closeted/questioning husbands; again something I discuss during my three podcast interviews with "Our Path." I'll discuss the toys below. 

9. I’ve set boundaries and will not participate in a threesome or let him cum on my face (I don’t understand why that would be a turn on for him and I would find it degrading).   I think that he would like a threesome because it would give him the opportunity to explore his sexuality with me involved as well. 

Correct. I applaud you for setting boundaries.

10. One of the hardest things to hear was that he would be turned on watching another man have sex with me and then having sex with the guy as well.  He said that we would like to watch me being pleasured or something.   It makes me sick just remembering the conversation.  The fact that he would like to do this upsets me.  I sometimes think that he has totally lost his mind.

He has. Now that he's truly admitted to himself and to his wife (you) that he's attracted to men, there has likely been an emotional shift. I'd suggest reading up on something called "gay adolescence" perhaps in an excellent book called "The Velvet Rage" by Dr. Alan Downs.   

11. He now is asking me to put this all behind us.   

Sadly, in my experience there is no putting that pink genie back in the bottle.  

12. He says that he doesn’t have to pursue these things because I don’t want to, but knowing that he would LIKE to do so is hard to accept.   I’ve asked him to let me know if he ever plans to seek out sex with a man before he does it so that we can part as friends.   He assures me that he will let me know but that “it’s not going to happen”.  He says that he wants to stay married and be faithful to me.  Will I ever be able to accept this new reality and have a good future with this person?   

If I'm reading all of this correctly, I believe that your husband is sexually gay and yet emotionally straight. In my opinion, he wants to be heterosexual and has spent most of his life pretending. I read in a later post that you purchased a strapon and now perform anal sex on your husband. In my experience, gay/closeted husbands simply cannot lie in the bedroom. A closeted/questioning husband avoids sex with his wife because he's not attracted to women. While he can often perform sexually in his 20s, once children arrive his kisses turn dry, his erections grow weak, and sex with his wife eventually stops. However, the closeted husband often comes alive when participating in a threesome (with another man) or when penetrated. Moreover, a novice to anal sex experiences a great deal of pain when penetrated for the first time whereas I'm going to guess your husband came across as a highly experienced and enthusiastic participant. Fair comments? If I'm right that he had no pain, very much enjoyed the strapon, and no longer demonstrates an interest in penis-in-vagina sex, these facts suggest he's attracted to men. 

So what now? During this 3-4 month "honeymoon" phase, the closeted/questioning husband initiates sex...often more than he has in decades. It's as if he's trying to prove to himself and his wife that he's truly straight. He's on a form of sexual mission. During this time please get tested for STDs/STIs, ask that he do the same, and only practice safe sex with your husband (read: condoms). If he refuses to get tested then it's another red flag in my opinion. I would also urge you to continue posting here; both for support and to have a record of everything he's saying. I hope I haven't gone too far with my comments my friend. Please feel free to post again and/or respond to my comments. Be well. 

Last edited by Sean01 (June 8, 2023 8:41 pm)

 

June 6, 2023 6:32 pm  #2212


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks you so much Sean.  Should I have my husband read your comments?  

 

June 6, 2023 7:40 pm  #2213


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

M-Kate wrote:

Thanks you so much Sean.  Should I have my husband read your comments?  

Unknown. I don't think your husband is ready for this level of honesty/truth. And given how batsh*t crazy I was during the disclosure/honeymoon stage of my own marriage, I can't see it as being helpful to him. BUT straight spouses have shared my three podcasts (look for Ryan King here Podcast - OurPath) with their closted/questioning husbands. That seems to be a safer route rather than having deeply closeted husbands haunting this forum and sometimes posting from fake profiles. I hope that helps my friend.  

Last edited by Sean01 (June 6, 2023 7:42 pm)

 

June 7, 2023 12:23 am  #2214


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean - thank you for acknowledging the difficulty that straight spouses face with a month of rainbows and celebration everywhere. I have yet to meet anyone else who has considered this.

At my work I have been requested to change my work signature to a specially designed pride one, put a rainbow flag on my desk, dress up and pose in a rainbow for media photos and actively pronounce my support. All of which has absolutely no bearing on my job in any way.

And I'm tired. All of these symbols cause physical pain right now. I have found this is not socially acceptable. I had to endure the meme stating "wishing all the homophobes a super uncomfortable month" going around. And watched someone get massacred for saying they found it inappropriate.

Meanwhile my gay one day ex-husband destroyed my life and is in therapy to figure out why he had sex with me. And I am expected to dance in a rainbow and get punished for my lack of enthusiasm. Honestly, I have no hate speech. I don't want to take anyone's rights away. Harm anyone. Or do whatever. I just want to quietly do my job and just be left alone. I am not able to actively support the community at this time, and I don't know what the future holds. But....like, even my job isn't safe from what he did to me. 

Last edited by Anon2222 (June 7, 2023 12:25 am)

 

June 7, 2023 2:16 am  #2215


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing both Anons. In response to your post: 

1. Sean - thank you for acknowledging the difficulty that straight spouses face with a month of rainbows and celebration everywhere. I have yet to meet anyone else who has considered this.

Thank you. As I wrote in a previous post, for some straight spouses Pride can feel a bit like having a funeral on Christmas Day. What should be a joyous and colourful event feels like a rainbow funeral march for straight spouses; because it reminds them of emotional abuse, sexual starvation, and the death of their marriages.  

2. At my work I have been requested to change my work signature to a specially designed pride one, put a rainbow flag on my desk, dress up and pose in a rainbow for media photos and actively pronounce my support. All of which has absolutely no bearing on my job in any way.

Wow. Hell I'm gay and even to me that seems like a lot.

3. And I'm tired. All of these symbols cause physical pain right now. I have found this is not socially acceptable. I had to endure the meme stating "wishing all the homophobes a super uncomfortable month" going around. And watched someone get massacred for saying they found it inappropriate. Meanwhile my gay one day ex-husband destroyed my life and is in therapy to figure out why he had sex with me. And I am expected to dance in a rainbow and get punished for my lack of enthusiasm.

I'm sorry you're suffering my friend and completely understand the incongruity. For some straight spouses Pride reminds them of the death of a relationship. So what should a straight spouse do? If he/she feels comfortable sharing, I'd simply tell all the Pride-pushers that you were married to a closeted spouse. I'd simply share that Pride is a painful reminder of a troubled, sexless relationship with a serial cheater....assuming of course that these facts are correct. In time, I'd then seek out a loving friend, relative, or LGBTQ co-worker and support them...not your ex-spouse.   

4. Honestly, I have no hate speech. I don't want to take anyone's rights away. Harm anyone. Or do whatever. I just want to quietly do my job and just be left alone. I am not able to actively support the community at this time, and I don't know what the future holds. But....like, even my job isn't safe from what he did to me.

Tragic. I have yet to encounter a straight spouse who is/was anti-LGBTQ; a miracle. I'd perhaps urge you to discuss all of this with your boss. As I shared in a recent podcast interview, most will understand the pain and suffering caused by an emotionally abusive and cheating husband...who just happened to be queer. Perhaps there is some way to work remotely or find other accommodations when the workplace is celebrating Pride. 

I hope that helps in some way. Be well! 

 

June 9, 2023 1:15 am  #2216


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi- Background is similar to most on here- married for more than 20 years, kids, worked as a team, etc. About 6 months ago, he suddenly tells me that he’s going to do whatever he wants and it was like he changed overnight- became narcissistic and picked up a new sport, changed his whole wardrobe, got new friends that he refuses to let me meet. I realized over a few months that he was/is actually having an affair with a man. He, of course denies it.  He did tell  me a few months ago that he’s confused, but knows that he likes men and isn’t attracted to me. Now he’s saying that he doesn’t know if he can live the lifestyle and is trying to put the genie back in the bottle. He is still having an affair, still gaslighting me, lying and deceiving everyday. He says that he doesn’t want a divorce, but his behavior says otherwise. He’s seeing counseling, but his therapist told him that we need couples counseling. WTH?! I don’t think he’s being honest with her. I have an amazing therapist and great support to help me through this. Anyway, a lot of what you told others applies to me, but I would still like your thoughts.

 

June 9, 2023 5:22 am  #2217


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Otter. In reply: 

1. Background is similar to most on here- married for more than 20 years, kids, worked as a team, etc. About 6 months ago, he suddenly tells me that he’s going to do whatever he wants and it was like he changed overnight- became narcissistic and picked up a new sport, changed his whole wardrobe, got new friends that he refuses to let me meet.

While I don't have a lot of information, this sounds like gay adolescence. Middle-aged, closeted gay men like me didn't fully experience our teen years because we were closeted. Once out, however, I reverted back to and acted like a 13-year-old k-pop fan girl. If your husband is indeed gay and is also having sex with men, I'd look for things like obsessive dieting, compulsive exercise, and body shaving.  

2. I realized over a few months that he was/is actually having an affair with a man. He, of course denies it.  He did tell  me a few months ago that he’s confused, but knows that he likes men and isn’t attracted to me.

What a pr*ck. You deserve better. 

3. Now he’s saying that he doesn’t know if he can live the lifestyle and is trying to put the genie back in the bottle. He is still having an affair, still gaslighting me, lying and deceiving everyday. He says that he doesn’t want a divorce, but his behavior says otherwise.

If he used the term "lifestyle" then I can only assume he's from a conservative or perhaps religious family. While I'm not in your husband's head, I'm happy to share my own experience. During the dying days of my former marriage, I too was openly cheating and living like a spoiled/adolescent teen. BUT the internalized homophobia ran very deep so there was an incongruity: I wanted to be out/free yet while still clinging desperately to my heterosexual marriage/identity.  I discuss these and other topics in my three (3) podcasts with Podcast - OurPath. Just search "Ryan King" which is my real name. 

4. He’s seeing counseling, but his therapist told him that we need couples counseling. WTH?! I don’t think he’s being honest with her.

I agree. He wouldn't be the first gay/questioning husband who manipulated his therapist. While we've all tried couples counselling, it normally turns into a massive blame shift. This means the husband often tries to blame his wife for his lack of interest in sex and broken communication. If he was raised religious, get ready for the "I'm gay because my [uncle/cousin/pastor etc] touched me" sob story.  

5. I have an amazing therapist and great support to help me through this.

Good for you. 

6. Anyway, a lot of what you told others applies to me, but I would still like your thoughts.

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of information but I'm happy to share my experience. First and foremost, I would encourage you to discuss "gay adolescence" with your therapist and perhaps read about it online. Second, if you determine your husband is indeed in "gay adolescence", going forward you need to see him as a petulant gay teen with the maturity of a 12/13-year old  and not a 40+ year husband/father. Third, I'd accept that honesty - when it comes to his sexuality -  just isn't a language he can speak with you. Most closeted gay men like me start hiding their sexualities around age 5-6. So when he's talking about sex or his sexuality, he's likely clocking a 2/10 on the honesty scale. So I'd start to journal what he's sharing. This means that 20% of what he's saying is probably true. For example, if he says he's slept with 1 man, that means it's 5-10. His new best male "friend" is more likely a boyfriend...and so on. And finally, I'd be prepared to go through the discovery-conflict-honeymoon-separation-reconciliation cycle at least 5-7x over the coming years. And by "honeymoon" I mean a 3-4 month post-conflict period during which he'll be on a sexual mission to secure you back in the marriage while also proving to himself, you, and others that he's still a straight man. Again I'd suggest discussing all of the above with your therapist and perhaps creating your own thread here. 

I hope that helps and please feel free to post again. Be well! 

 

June 12, 2023 12:00 am  #2218


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Canary. Here is a link to your first post if anyone wants more background information. In response to your latest post: 

1. Hi. Little background to my story - I was involved with a man, who over 6 months of intense initial dating, I discovered that his previous relationship (who he described as an awful, damaging breakup) was with a man. I had been friends and work colleague with him for over 10 years.  I later found out that one of his “friends” may have also had a longstanding relationship with my ex of 7 years. I’m still not 100% clear why exactly he was trying to date me - if he was genuinely confused and lonely, or if I was being used as a cover. I actually think now he may have been so hurt by this first male relationship, that he panicked and ran back to his safety blanket and tried to date a woman.

This is more common than you'd think. What I've seen over the years is something along the lines of: 

- Closeted/questioning husband nervously attempts pre-marital sex with men, likely in college while away from a conservative or religious family, community, or city.
- He never seems interested in sex with his girlfriend/wife and, once married, intimacy eventually stops.
- He secretly lives out his gay fantasies via gay porn or virtual sex (such as cams/chats) but then eventually starts cheating in the real world.
- Once caught cheating with men, the closeted/questioning husband doubles down on his straight identity or relationship. He initiates sex with his wife, often after years without any intimacy. If she divorces him prematurely, he'll often date and marry another woman.   

If I remember your first post correctly, you have worked with this man for years and he was apparently dating a male co-worker; who was married to a woman. If he is indeed gay-in-denail (GID),  then yes it's possible he was using your short-term realtionship as cover.  

2. I do know that I felt we were emotionally extremely close, but once I pieced enough info together to think he was gay, he immediately started backpedaling. He can’t even talk about anything in terms - the most direct he ever was about it was to refer to TGT [the gay thing] as “all that”. And that he’s “not normal”.  This was only after he was essentially backed into a corner. When he could not backpedal fast enough, he abruptly ended even our friendship (via an email!) This, I still don’t understand, as I would have been a very good friend had he just told me he was not interested from the start. He didn’t even need to tell me he was gay, confused, or whatever. I just wanted to know where I stood.

This sounds like the discard phase of a narcisstic relationship; something you should perhaps explore with a qualified therapist. 

3. Throughout our relationship, I unfortunately learned a great deal of info and this opened up a whole world of multiple men (5-6 different men and their families), who I’ve known for over 10 years. I work with them, and am now faced with knowing an incredible amount of personal info about them. Most of them have families, and I’m not entirely clear how closeted they are. I thought at first maybe he was just lying, or I was not interpreting things correctly, but since then several of the men have subtly tried to determine if I will gossip at work (I am VERY tight lipped). I’m assuming because they caught wind of his being close with me. Many men are pacing around me on eggshells at work. I have no intention of outing anyone. But it seems like there is a vast group of men who know clearly who they are and are all on the same page. I unfortunately I think accidentally stumbled into this world.

"World" might be a bit of a stretch my friend. I reckon there isn't anything new nor novel about workplace dalliances. Office workers and corporate employees often spend more time with their "work families" than with their spouses/children. So what's my point? While we can fall down the rabbit hole of thinking there is an entire "gay underground" conspiracy at work, I tend to take a more pragmatic approach. The larger the company, the more sex co-workers are having...and this can also mean gay sex. 

4. I guess I have 2 questions for Sean - 1) How common do you really think this is?!?  I know the numbers suggest 2-4% of marriages, but I feel like it’s much much higher. In my current situation - I feel like this is much more common than people realize. And there are many many varying degrees of male affairs. I see it daily at my work, and they are pretty subtle about it. I feel like most women do not even know this is as common as it is. I actually feel like I’m a left out minority. I do live in a city that has a very high percentage of gay men, but this is truly shocking to me. At least that it is so prevalent with people who have families and keep this going for so long. I guess I was naive, and thought this only occurred under rare situations where the man was in a super conservative environment. Where I am, these people are not conservative, and I would think everything is in your favor to be “out”. I’m discovering that most people are not “out” in any way. This has been difficult for me to watch at work, and even wrap my head around also because I believe their whole lives are basically set up to support this compartmentalization.

In my teens and early twenties, I drove a bright red Jeep. And once I started driving a Jeep, I was surprised at the huge numbers of fellow Jeep drivers. Whereas when I was driving my mom's VW Jetta, I saw only Jettas. So what's my point? I reckon you're seeing gay relationships at your workplace because of your close encounter with a closeted nutter. While I'm not an expert nor a mental health professional, cheaters are first and foremost opportunists and it doesn't matter if they are gay or straight. For the closeted gay husband/father, his first emotional relationship with another man is often a married co-worker, neighbour, or fellow church-goer. As I shared in a former "Our Path" interview, a relationship between two deeply closeted married men feels safer on some level; safer because they need to keep things on the "down low" or risk blowing up both of their lives.     

5. Have you ever seen someone in the process of coming out - take decades to do this? 

Yes. Me! I came out in my early 40s after decades in my closet. 

6. It seems not even possible to me - we are in our late 40s. How could someone live like this for so long and be this confused? I’m truly trying to understand.   

While I appreciate your interest and support, I reckon you'd be better served by dating straight men, avoiding closeted/cheating men altogether, and focusing 100% on yourself and your well-being. I'm gay. I was closeted. And I married a woman. And even I'm astounded at how batsh*t crazy most gay-in-denial men described here can be. So what's my point? When you encounter a closeted man, just think "emotional black hole" and then run. 

7. And flip back and forth between men and women (because they don’t have the balls to fully come out?) I feel like I was a last gasp, panicked attempt at emotional support. At first, I thought he was just a narcissistic liar - but sometimes I feel like he honestly was confused and lonely. He would talk about stuff and always made it seem like the person involved was female. I have no idea, how he thought that I would not eventually find out.

Crazy black hole...so run! 

8. All in all, this has been one of the most confusing and upsetting relationships I have ever been in. And made me doubt what I even knew about my exbf. Thankfully, it ended - but it took me so long to try to move on, simply because I didn’t have a clear picture of what even just happened. Hard to move on when the facts will never be clear.

While I'm sorry this troubled man hurt you, you're very lucky you didn't have a long-term relationship, marry, or have children with him. So what's my advice? Avoid this man like the plague. The only way to deal with emotionally toxic, narcissistic, or sociopathic people is to avoid and/or cut off all contact. 

I hope that helps but please feel free to post again. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (June 12, 2023 1:05 am)

 

June 14, 2023 9:52 pm  #2219


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Séan / Ryan,

I have a couple of questions for you on narcissism and your relationship with your ex-wife post-divorce. I am male, in my 50s, and I was impressed with your interviews with Kristin in OurVoices. I started dating my ex-wife almost 9 years ago, got married 3 years later and she came out as gay another 3 years later. We had a beautiful, blended family with 3 boys (1 mine and 2 hers), and they were very close to each other. After listening to the 3 interviews, I felt you know what I have been through.

For instance (the passages that made me think you really know what I went through)

(1) the stage – I have always noticed how she treated me differently, closer and better when we were with her parents. I even mentioned this to her a couple of times because I thought it was strange and she barely acknowledged what I said. Also, she could command a large room or party.

(2) she actually proposed 18 months after coming out and 12 after separating having a MOM relationship where I would be her primary (non-sexual) partner and live together as before as a family (only excluding kisses and the sexual part). We could have non-emotional sexual relationships with others (as in an open relationship). I eventually decided after much consideration this was not for me.

I have always known there was something deeply wrong with the relationship and I couldn’t put my finger on it. She was a wonderful woman, attractive, intelligent, well employed, fun but I felt increasingly uncertain during the last years ( confused ) . She blocked the sex conversations with the early child abuse, early trauma and college rape tentative “excuses” (I will never know if they were true or not) but we always had sex (more and more mechanical with time every 2 weeks) until basically the end. She knew from the beginning I would not be in a sexless relationship.

I have spent the last 2 and a half years thinking deeply about what, how, why. I read about philosophy, psychology, relationships, attachment theory, cluster B personality disorders (like ASPD and NPD).
It took me a long time to get to OurPath. I wasn’t ready to listen to all these stories early on.

The questions I have for you:

(1) In the interviews you called yourself a narcissist, but I find it so hard for someone with the condition to be able to speak about your experience the way you do (in a very compassionate way). It took my ex-wife more than a year to apologize, and in a very limited way. She initially blamed everything on institutionalized homophobia. It made me feel like she did not see how she was hurting me. She was only able to discuss our past very briefly, later on, a few times, and then asked me to move on (always accusing me of showing resentment). If someone has narcissistic traits, usually they are present in many areas of their lives not just in the closeted relationship. Do you see this in yourself? Or in your life it was all related to the closeted life? 

(2) Were you able to have emotional intimacy with your ex? I felt that after our early stages and particularly after marriage my relationship was not emotionally intimate. We said I love you and called ourselves spouses and best friends, but I did not feel we had a vulnerable, transparent relationship. I am trying to assess how close I can remain to her. I have been doing this mostly for the kids. I have to acknowledge she helped me a lot during a major medical emergency. But the ambiguous nature of my feelings toward her are very hard to process. You mentioned you are friendly with your ex, but not a friend. Is this because of all the hurt that has been caused?Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us.

V

Last edited by vppn (June 14, 2023 10:05 pm)

 

June 15, 2023 12:31 am  #2220


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing vppn. In response to your questions: 

1. In the [Our Path podcast] interviews you called yourself a narcissist, but I find it so hard for someone with the condition to be able to speak about your experience the way you do (in a very compassionate way). It took my ex-wife more than a year to apologize, and in a very limited way. She initially blamed everything on institutionalized homophobia. It made me feel like she did not see how she was hurting me.

Always seeing yourself as a victim, raging against "the man" or "them", while also being unable to acknowledge other's feelings nor apologize are quite common among people with personality disorders. 

2. She was only able to discuss our past very briefly, later on, a few times, and then asked me to move on (always accusing me of showing resentment).

While I don't have a lot of information here, I'd suggest discussing all of this with a mental health professional who specializes in personality disorders. In my unprofessional opinion, her inability to acknowledge any wrongdoing while minimizing or shifting blame strongly suggest some form of personality disorder.  

3. If someone has narcissistic traits, usually they are present in many areas of their lives not just in the closeted relationship. Do you see this in yourself? Or in your life it was all related to the closeted life? 

I'm not sure if I understand this question but I'll do my best to answer. As I discussed in my podcast interviews, I think I suffered from a form of gay-in-denial narcissism. And like many narcissists, I spent most of my time "playing" a role as if I were on stage. You shared something similar: 

I have always noticed how she treated me differently, closer and better when we were with her parents.

This speaks to me. Closeted me acted like the best husband and father when I was around friends, family, or while in social situations. But when we were alone, I'd emotionally abuse my former wife and totally reject her in the bedroom. All of my time and energy went into maintaining my straight existence, but once I'd come out of the closet, separated, and divorced, I no longer needed my ex-wife and children so I discarded them...for a time. 

4. Were you able to have emotional intimacy with your ex? I felt that after our early stages and particularly after marriage my relationship was not emotionally intimate. We said I love you and called ourselves spouses and best friends, but I did not feel we had a vulnerable, transparent relationship.

For me personally, I can't have an emotionally intimate relationship while hiding my true sexuality from a spouse/partner. Again while I don't have a lot of information, from what I understand most personality disordered people are capable of love bombing potential partners, only to neglect them once they're in a long-term relationship. So no, I didn't have an emotionally intimate relationship with my ex-wife. 

5. I am trying to assess how close I can remain to her.

Excellent question. I'd suggest paying close attention to how you feel around her. If she does have a form of personality disorder, you'll likely feel confused, disoriented, and generally worse about yourself after each interaction. She'll spend a lot of time making herself out to be victim whilst everything is always your fault. A personality disordered person spends most of their time trying to "win" every interaction, often by gaslighting, distorting facts, and/or shifting blame on to you and others. 

6. I have been doing this mostly for the kids. I have to acknowledge she helped me a lot during a major medical emergency.

You should determine whether she helped you because she genuinely cared about you or whether she was playing a role. A personality disordered person would play the perfect nurse/caregiver in such a situation because failing to do so would risk dissaproval or rejection from friends and family. So what now? I would discuss all of this with a qualified mental health professional. I'd also play close attention to how your ex-wife interacts with the children. An emotionally healthy person loves their children and wants to spend time with them. A personality disordered person remains distant/detached from their children, makes them feel like a burden, but can quickly act like the perfect parent when they're on stage.  

7. But the ambiguous nature of my feelings toward her are very hard to process.

I'd review all of this with a therapist and would urge you to limit contact with her until you're feeling less ambiguous. 

8. You mentioned you are friendly with your ex, but not a friend. Is this because of all the hurt that has been caused? Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us.

Unknown. I find that we're both happier when we have limited contact with each other; perhaps because our time together re-opens old wounds. I do want to stress that I was completely to blame for the end of my marriage. I lied, cheated, and emotionally abused her. We recently had a great deal of contact because I was taking our daughter on a father/daughter trip back home before a work summer abroad. Even with this limited contact, I found myself falling back into old habits and just feeling "off." So I quickly went back to very limited contact as this is ultimately healthier for me. 

I hope that answered your questions but please feel free to post again. Be well! 

 

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