My husband and I have been married for 29 years.   About 6 weeks ago he revealed that he is bisexual.   He told me because he expected that I would find out through someone who was blackmailing him.   He was trying to set up interactive gay porn on his phone and was hacked.   In total he gave the blackmailer and the private detective that he hired over $15,000.    During our conversation he told me that he was probably addicted to porn, was very interested in having anal sex performed on him, he would like to give and receive oral sex with a man and would love to have a threesome if I would be interested.   In addition, he admitted that if he hadn’t gotten caught because of the blackmailer, he would have tried to hook up with a man to explore this part of his sexuality.   Hearing all of this totally blindsided me.

This led to my asking him about his past experiences.   He said that he went to a few gay bars in college but never did anything.   However, about 10 years ago (when our son was about 9 years old) he found someone on Craig’s list under MOM sex.  He went to the man’s house and they rubbed their dicks together & jerked each other off.   I wanted to know all the details.   The guy was a flight attendant.   They were standing up and lying on the bed. They both came and then finished their beers and then my husband left.   I asked him whether he felt any shame because he cheated on me.   I don’t think that he felt any remorse at all.    He said that he was curious about it and never did it again.     

However, he now says that this whole recent experience with the blackmailer and the fact that he hurt me so much was a wake-up call. He wants to work on our marriage and will not try to seek out sex with a man.  He said that we will stop watching so much porn.  He does not want to blow up our lives or traumatize our son (now 19 living at home & attending college).   We discussed that divorce would hurt us both financially. 

I don’t want to be alone, but I feel angry that he has lied, cheated and deceived me.   It will be hard to trust him again.    We’re trying to communicate more and have sex more often.   He said that I never initiated sex in the past and so I’m doing so now and trying to be open to using “toys”.  I’ve set boundaries and will not participate in a threesome or let him cum on my face (I don’t understand why that would be a turn on for him and I would find it degrading).   I think that he would like a threesome because it would give him the opportunity to explore his sexuality with me involved as well.  One of the hardest things to hear was that he would be turned on watching another man have sex with me and then having sex with the guy as well.  He said that we would like to watch me being pleasured or something.   It makes me sick just remembering the conversation.     The fact that he would like to do this upsets me.  I sometimes think that he has totally lost his mind.

He now is asking me to put this all behind us.   He now says that he doesn’t have to pursue these things because I don’t want to, but knowing that he would LIKE to do so is hard to accept.   I’ve asked him to let me know if he ever plans to to seek out sex with a man before he does it so that we can part as friends.   He assures me that he will let me know but that “it’s not going to happen”.  He says that he wants to stay married and be faithful to me.  Will I ever be able to accept this new reality and have a good future with this person?   
 
 

Last edited by M-Kate (June 6, 2023 11:10 am)