Over the past twenty years I have encountered hundreds of men, both in person and on-line, who are in straight relationships and describe themselves as bisexual.  Based on those large number of interactions, I've come to see a difference in men who declare their label early in a straight relationship vs. those who come out after many years.

Generally speaking, when a man comes out early in a relationship, he's showing that he's had enough relationship experience to know that his label matters.  It also likely means he's done some soul searching and meaningful experimentation with both genders.  His early declaration is his way of putting the success or failure of the relationship on the straight woman's shoulders.  He's not really responsible for how his attraction affects the relationship because he was "honest from the beginning."

Although some men use the early declaration as a way to indicate they don't intend to be monogamous, a majority are more traditionally minded.  Speaking up clears their conscience and, in their eyes, gives them some freedom to talk about their attraction to men and/or watch gay or bisexual porn.

It's not guaranteed of course, but most of the early declarers are just as honest and trustworthy as most straight men are.  This means that the success or failure of the relationship is no different than if he were straight.

Men who come out as bisexual after being in a relationship with a woman for many years are very different.  It's not an iron-clad, 100% certainty, but overwhelmingly, what prompts the confession isn't a sudden need for honesty, but rather an overwhelming desire to hook-up with men.

The dynamics play out the same way every time - a man struggles with his sexuality for years, finally accepts his attraction to men, then wages an interior war about whether or how to tell his wife.  Eventually he decides to confess.  There are some difficult conversations, but the couple weathers the storm and, in fact, feel closer than ever.  The man is so happy and thankful for his understanding wife!!!  A few months pass and the man slowly realizes that confessing the truth wasn't nearly as satisfying as he thought it would be.  What he *really* wants is to act on his desires.  This would be, of course, contrary to what he told his wife when he came out.  Stressed out by that conundrum, he becomes noticeably more withdrawn, effectively putting an end to the post-coming out honeymoon phase.  Eventually, as his unhappiness builds, he tells his wife he "wants to experiment."

That's how the stories always play out.

So, the lesson here for the straight wife is...if your husband comes out to you as bisexual after many years, he either is already cheating OR he will soon ask to cheat.  Logically speaking, there is NO REASON for a closeted bisexual man to come out to his long-term female partner, and create all kinds of uncertainly about the relationship, unless he feels an overwhelming need to do so.  That overwhelming need is NOT honesty.  It's sex.  He needs to have sex with men.

When is sex "just sex" and when does it "matter"? 

I'll share the most important thing I've learned about bisexual men very soon in a post below.

"What he has said is that he just likes sex with men, but never felt romantic or intimate with them and never wanted too. Always wanted a woman for that."

*THIS* is the story of huge numbers of bisexual men.  They believe men are for sex and women are for love.

As most people now realize, sexual attractions are not a choice. Although no definitive proof has been discovered yet, most scientists believe that sexuality is hard-wired before birth. This means that gender-based sexual attractions can be submerged, but never changed.

Love is different. People - both men and women - fall in and out of love all the time. Most of us love our parents, siblings and children with what seems like innate ferocity, yet many others don't feel any bond with their closest relatives. Some straight men have no problem talking about loving their closest male friends - just not in a gay way, of course.

When you think about it, love has many derivations, yet none of them are fixed in a biological way, especially across a broad spectrum of people, cultures and situations. As I've come to understand that fact, I've realized that love is a learned behavior.

Actually, I should walk that back a bit. Biologically, we all may NEED love, to receive and give it... but, the particulars of how that happens, and what or who satisfies us, is 100% variable, and is almost certainly heavily influenced by rules and limitations we are taught.  Each of us has the natural capacity to love any another person, regardless of their gender. The limitations arise as we mature and form opinions based on personal experiences and outside influences. Those learned "rules" can be very compelling, but they are not written into our DNA the way sexual attractions and eye color are.

If you think about it, we are trained to value and admire male+female romance beginning at very early ages - before we can read, before we can add. The images, ideas and storylines are everywhere, not just in movies and TV programs, but in commercials and on the radio. Not just in children's books, but on billboards and in cartoons.

Straight sex and romance are endless and everywhere, always.

Given the breadth, depth and relentlessness of this training, is it any wonder that so many not-straight people focus on making straight romance work? Really, the lessons are so deeply ingrained, that, of course, true happiness requires loving the opposite sex.

All of this begs the question...what is the difference between a "genuinely" bisexual man and a gay man who has been programmed by society and his experiences to desire only straight romantic love?

Cameron

In the past 9 months since I've found out I don't think I've ever cried about it.  Not to say i wasn't in shock.  At first I couldn't eat or sleep I even thought of driving into a telephone pole at high speed just to escape.  I've wondered why I don't cry and I don't know. I do know reading this makes me cry.  It reflects what I keep asking myself. He won't speak to me about his feelings only eluding to bisexuality.  We seemingly have a renewed sex life and I can't help but wonder where this sex drive was hiding all this time.  I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night wondering what the hell is in his head and it haunts me.

I think that I don't want to hurt him and the kids by leaving him.  I think that I don't want to drive him further into a bad place with his sexuality by leaving him. It's like a carrot dangling in front of me that he's bisexual and not gay.

My closest friends who know about this tell me they worry I am too accommodating and what am I doing for myself. I don't know ...nothing?  This post just makes me really sad because it describes my situation so closely that it's like being slapped with a dick in the face...which is what happens when you go with your 'straight' spouse to a male stripper 'for me'.

You lose yourself and I feel like I am falling so deep into this that I won't recognize myself when it's over.  Who am I that I would use sex toys on him and that I would watch gay porn and that I would give so much.  It's nearly 2:30 am and this is what I am thinking about.  That alone speaks to how troubled I am about this.  I care deeply for him but I don't know how to help him.

Signing off with my fake name...Vicky

Wife#2

I don't know what to say.  With myself it was tortue..even when my ex went out with lady friends that weren't her girlfriend
..was it a date or 2 friends getting together?  Why did I have to wonder?   Who was she that she could have all 3... regular friends, a husband and a lover and I had to guess who was most important?

I pray we all find courage to be kind to ourselves.

What is the difference between a "genuinely" bisexual man and a gay man who has been programmed by society and his experiences to desire only straight romantic love?

Although the dictionary definition of "bisexual" is very simple - "a tendency to direct sexual desire to both sexes" - the realities of the orientation are quite complex.  It's my observation that few married bisexual men really understand those complexities, especially when their relationship experiences are limited.

It's easy to accept the label of bisexual if you imagine enjoying the physical aspects of sex with either gender - but how many people spend their entire lives in sex-only interactions?  At some point, sex alone isn't enough and an emotional connection becomes critical.

For a variety reasons, making emotional connections through sex with women is much easier than with men.  Same-sex dating stereotypes bear this out: gay men are obsessed with hook-ups, while lesbians want to move in together after the first date.  

And, just as importantly, society drills it into us from infancy to only want hetero romance.

These two powerful influences lead many married bisexual men to believe that their interest in men is purely sexual.  Straight wives, however, often tell a different story.

When a straight wife says sex is infrequent and/or mechanical, those are classic indications  that her "bisexual" husband is probably gay.  A genuinely bi man can connect emotionally through sex with someone he loves.  If a "bi" man can't do that very well, then he's blocked for some reason, probably because he is gay.  By their very nature, straight and bi men make their female partners feel desired.  Gay men can't do that.

"Bi" men who have this problem are nearly always blind to it.  They have never experienced true emotional intimacy, so they don't know the difference.  And rather than admit to being "defective" as a man, they will mercilessly shift the blame to their wives.

For these men, almost nothing they say can believed, even when they themselves believe it.  It's not just denial, it's blindness.

It's for this reason that I believe wives are better judges of their husband's orientation than anyone else.  They either feel desired and appreciated as a woman or they don't.  Their husband authentically desires them or he doesn't --- because he can't.

In comparison to these men, "genuine" bisexuals do not separate love, sex and intimacy.  They can have them all with each gender - and be satisfied by monogamy.  Any "bisexual" married man who claims to need a sex-only outlet for men is not genuinely bisexual.  His need to connect isn't for physical satisfaction.  It's for something deeper, something he thinks he understands but he doesn't until it happens to him.

The reason bi is often "a stop on the way to Gay Town" is two-fold.  One, many men fear rejection if they come out as gay - putting one foot out of the closet door as bi is much easier.  Second, many men believe they are only interested in other men for sex.. until they connect with a man on a deep emotional level --- often to their own amazement.  I've seen men say it over and over..."I thought I was bi until I met _______.   Then I knew I was actually gay."

The key thing to understand is that blind or in-denial bisexual men cannot be reasoned with.  They KNOW how they feel and no one can tell them otherwise.  

This leaves their wives in a no-win situation, left to struggle alone and often made to feel inadequate, insecure or unstable.  It's a lonely fight, made much more complicated by their authentic love for their husband, deep concerns about their family and fear for their financial future.

It's a horrible place to be, as many of you know all too well.