Yeah, I'm not trying to save anything anymore I guess. I'm just sad seeing her behaving like that. And yes, I am thinking about my survival now.
You definitely had every right for the shouting and screaming.
I guess my wife is also trying to stay for convenience.
Thanks for the support!

Hi Anon42,

I'm sorry I wasn't able to post sooner, I just got back from a trip to the US.
It seems your wife is set in a direction she thinks is the only way to deal with this and her feelings. Even when she didn't express it, it's what she felt for many years. Although not expressed, this was brewing inside for years. She suppressed it, trying to find a way that somehow was manageable, but decided to (sort of) give up on it. It wasn't working for her, so she assumed it's a dead end. 
Main lack of her approach was that it was done in silence, her own private thing that she wanted to solve. Maybe trying to find info on internet, finding no direction in any other way than "being authentic, living it out" and what not, that would bring the ultimate solution for her problems being lesbian and married to a straight man...

Sure, breaking the exclusive bond of marriage and monogamy is indeed a "solution" for the problem of sexual preference. But what about the side effects? Being in the US recently, I saw several commercials for medication on TV (which is kind of a culture shock for someone comming from europe). A certain pill that solves some aches, but then... a long list of the most hororable side affects follows... (who would want to risk that (???) the cure is worse than the disease!).

So, maybe it's better to search for a natural cure instead of that poison pill. That pill, that not only would hurt her, but her spouse and family as well. But, like every natural cures, this takes a lot more effort than swallowing "a pill" in the morning. Eating fresh and healthy stuff, avoiding those high-fructose-corn-sirrup additives. Things like: questioning what life,love and family is really about. Wholesome thoughts, that feed the soul.

What is life and what is real value? What is the way you choose to conduct your life, what does it really mean when you say you Love someone?
What is the meaning and value of vows of marriage really? Is it just sexual or cultural, or is there more to it? Wasn't there meaning in what was spoken that day, and wasn't there meaning in what you build up together and decide to have children together?
In other words: What is the real and complete authentic person you (your wife) really are? Which is so much more than sexual preference.

Oh yes: sexuality is important, and it should work and be fulfilling. It's an essential part of the bond you have in marriage, for it expresses exclusivity, intimacy and vulnerability. It's pleasure to do that and to give that to eachother. If both are really emotional open to that and eachother, sexual preverence is not (!) the thing that blocks it. It's about celebrating and experiencing the love you have together. In that it's fulfilling to both, for it's genuinly rooted in love.

I think your wife hasn't crossed that bridge, she's stuck in her feelings, seeing no way forward other than giving in to those feelings (the pill).
The emotional door to you is closed, and believe it or not, this was never actually open. If she wants to continue the marriage, for some reason she finds a inkling that this would and could be love, she can find the key to that door. But it's her own decision, and stemming from free choice. Love cannot be forced, it's free will.

If she's religious, it's not about commandments, it's from grace! She is free in her thinking and decision making when she realizes that. In that way religion can be a powerful force to think independantly. It's about "Free to do what is good". Not so much as to what the church or society demands, but instead what you yourself want, and the choices you personally make. Considering what Love really means, and hold yourself to that.

I do understand that in this stage you and your wife are not grasping this possibility, and are strugling with the situation, assumptions and feelings. It can end up in divorce. We also came to the brink of that. The thoughts you have now, were also mine at the time. Considering what if...

It's not only depending on your willingness, but your wife's responsibility too. Her decisions in life are (of course) hers. So I do hope she herself thinks deeply about herself and evaluates her way forward considering more aspects than just sexual preference. And more what Love is really about, and the value you have as her husband and man you are (and were) to her. Letting go of her firm grasp of her sexual preference and opening up for other and more meaningful sources of love she can fully experience and follow and (eventually) express. It can be so rewarding to you as well as hers!

Dutchman.

I understand your situation and your feeling of lack of influence on the matter. It's not simply your call.
I sure wish we could communicate with your wife directly. For as I understand, her view is actually the deciding factor going forward (or not).

Finding a solution is not just a good and happy outcome for you, but for her as well. Even when she doesn't appreciate this at the moment. Potentially choosing a way of approaching life and marriage in a very different way. Experiencing it different than it was before and finding meaning and fulfillment she never anticipated. The same would go for you too, it can turn out to be so different. It hurts me when I see this opportunity fail, for if both want to, it really can take such a different route than what is usually "the norm". 

The problem is not yours, although your relation didn't have the communication quality needed (like many relations). But this huge problem you both are confronted with, could be the trigger to bring that to another level. But also think about what love truly is, what it really means.
Is sitting in church just listening to a nice comfortable sermon, or is it about what it really comes down to in practice in real life?
Love is hard, it's about making choices that are terribly frightening. It's not seeking or finding comfort and instant fulfillment. It can go against your feelings. Love is about courage and commitment. That is what Christ has shown. Love is not some Hollywood thing, nor contemporary cultural stream that says to seek fulfillment of urges above all.
Is your wife ignorant of this? Doesn't she have a notion about true values? Is she following main stream without inner questions?

If so, well... then you probably have married the wrong woman. No matter what her sexual preference is, that would have gone south anyhow.
But, if she has a sense of values and wisdom, she would think and consider her way in life.
Sure, the influence of contemporary culture is there, and it takes to be somewhat stubborn to make other (independent) choices. 
But that adds to the personality. Your wife certainly wouldn't be less to make up her own mind, choosing her own way in life with you.
However, going with the flow is much easier to her. So... What kind of person is she really?
Now you can see her true colors. In essence that is NOT sexual preference, but more the kind of person she actually is, and what she wants to be.

People can develop and learn, being stupid can be a temporary thing and one can grow over it. If I think about myself and my wife 17 years ago, I'm embarrassed. We've learned a lot along the way. Allow yourself and your wife room for growth before making drastic decisions.

Talked to my wife a few days ago and told her more explicitly that I want the divorce.
She seems to be ok with this (looks like she has accepted it after our last talk), and does not really want to fix anything.
Well at least we will have a peaceful divorce and will keep a friendly relationship. Probably.

I'm doing ok, can function normally. Just sad about the whole situation.
We told one couple we're friends with about this, and talking to them was helpful.
They were shocked, but had the impulse of trying to help us save the marriage.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

That was my feeling for a long time....actually for all of 2022....great sadness. Wishing you strength and good health

Thanks, Elle!

We've recently had another talk (again initiated by me), where I reiterated that I want a divorce. Well, again, it's not that I want it but I don't see another choice. The wife was trying to suggest an open "marriage" again, at the same time saying that she does not want to have sex with me. For some reason, I did not find that offer appealing, to which the wife said that I'm stuck in the past, and that everyone is ok with open marriages these days.

So it seems like I'm the bad guy trying to break our family apart while all she wants is to just date other people.
Of course, she could consider trying to suppress her feelings and stick with the family. But you see, it would be just a sacrifice on her part, and what would I be sacrificing? That's how our talk went.

I don't want her to sacrifice what she feels like she needs (since she was very depressed for the last several years, as it turned out), but somehow I don't want to be around while she dates other people either.

After the talk, I'm a bit more upset today than usual, and just wanted to vent a little here. Hearing her saying these things and seeing how she does not understand what the marriage is hurts.