Blue Bear wrote:

I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

I sense that very few guys have successfully evolved into a MOM.  If you are going to go that way, you have to accept a lot of things that are likely unacceptable to you.  For myself, there's no way that I wanted to be married to an adulterous lesbian who wasn't interested in guys and really only had use for me in maintaining a heterosexual facade.  And if you decide to remain in the marriage but have a heterosexual side chick, your pool of women who are willing to accept your situation is quite shallow.  And more importantly, I wanted to be in a real, mutually respectful, monogamous, heterosexual relationship rather than the shitshow my ex-wife unilaterally imposed upon me.

Can a MOM be done?  Sure.  But do you really want to given the baggage that comes with it?

MOM’s can work an absolute treat so long as both parties abstain from sexual and romantic relationships. If the wife wants one it is for a very good reason. As has been quite rightly pointed out, the straight man will have great difficulties in attracting another women to play an active role in his life. The lesbian wife is free to do whatever she wants to as she is likely to already be involved in a relationship already. The man is still expected to provide all that he does already. MOM’s with gay wives sound like a solution. In practice they are soul destroying unless the man is happy with what he is left with. Ultimately, unlikely.
 

Wow, the replies here are so helpful and so so appreciated. Thank you all for your time and attention, and wisdom.

My update - no MOM. After reading this site and really looking at the reality, it's clear that in our situation all the benefits go to her and drawbacks to me.

Several replies pointed out that it's hard to find a woman who would sign up for any of that mess, and I agree, especially in central Europe where I live, things are way more traditional here.

We are separating this week, and working out child care and custody. I never would have imagined this is where I'd be four weeks ago when we kissed goodbye for her yoga retreat in front of our house, as she jumped into the car with the woman who would ultimately destroy or marriage.

I will continue to return here, and yes I will send DMs to those of you who asked. Thank you so much.

Your words of reassurance, of caution, and honesty have been so helpful to me, I am so grateful.

Last edited by EuroGuy23 (May 27, 2023 9:20 am)

Unfortunately there seems to be two types of late life Lesbians.
Type A) The ones who come to the realisation on their own. They tend to be full of regret and contrition about the situation they find themselves in with a straight husband. These are probably the ones that have most chance of continuing. These women have also probably wrestled with their same sex attractions for some time. Only realising what this means due to a trigger in their own lives. I tend not to subscribe to the notion of orientation fluidity, preferring to see the attraction itself as fluid. The orientation itself being somewhat more fixed. Many of these women turn to counselling to help them realise what it is that they are feeling. It is gradual and can be managed. Some women choosing to remain married for security and often in celibacy. They often still love their husbands and lives. But, make more informed decisions about their future while respecting their husbands and families welfare.

Type B) Type B’s always seem to have a facilitator involved. Quite often a Goldstar lesbian. These women tend to go full on into infatuation with an individual was seen to be helping and supporting them. Lesbians themselves always tend to suggest that the predatory Lesbian is nothing more than a trope. Yes, and no. Not all Lesbians are predatory woman chasing monsters who turn straight women for a kick. Of course they are not. But, some of them are. I know of three women who went full Lesbian out of the blue and straight into an affair with a Goldstar. They broke their own families apart and went into full limerence with their new loves. Disregarded their husbands and own children to live as an “authentic self” in a new rainbow life.
Some time afterwards, as their husbands had moved on they came back. Now depressed, lost and full of regret. Saying bizarre things like “I think I am Bi now” or even one guy who’s wife is now “definitely not gay anymore”. As soon as the initial relationship died away, so did the gayness. The focus of their attention was on the individual who “helped to free them from the chains of heteronormativity”. The sad thing is, who won in the end? Nobody at all, apart from the instigator I suppose. Broken families, broken husbands and broken wives, divorces and acrimony. There was one resource i read about employing psychological techniques to help women who thought they were straight to “realise” they were queer. It actually went into an initial paragraph about how actually unethical and wrong it was to even try it , before going in to the step by step details about how to do it. If you have the knowledge, the time and the opportunity, you can convince anybody of anything.