MireP wrote:

.......I don't know what to do, I don't know if this is enough evidence... I haven't talked to him yet, because I wanted to have enough evidence to tell him... or maybe this is enough...

No don't confront your husband. Not yet. 

You shouldn't tell or confront him until you are absolutely clear in your mind what it means, and how you feel about an inevitable shift/change in your marriage. At the moment does he think you are oblivious to how he's living his life?

Elle
 

Glad you found this group, too.  It was a lifesaver for me.  There are two questions wrapped up in your post:  (1) is your husband gay? and (2) should you confront him?

First question?  Yes, he sounds gay.  Straight men want to be intimate with their wives, and straight men don't watch gay porn.  As for the sexual abuse thing, you will often hear in-denial men tell their wives that they suffered sexual abuse as an excuse for not being intimate.  (Listen to the excellent OurPath podcast that features Ryan King, a guy who was in-denial and has an excellent perspective on this.  Listen to his first podcast because he covers this topic at length.).  I think it's much more likely that his past was youthful gay experimentation that he regretted.  If sexual abuse truly is a thing with him (i.e., he's straight but holding back because of prior abuse), he needs to seek therapy to work through that for the sake of your relationship.  And the close friend thing is also a big red flag -- my ex-wife started spending too much time with the mother of one of our daughter's friends.  Both my ex-wife and her (turns out) girlfriend were married to men and had children.  The story is all too common, unfortunately.

Second, you probably should tell your husband that you are concerned about your relationship.  A healthy heterosexual couple is intimate with one another, and it's been four years since you last were intimate.  The close friend is concerning, as is the gay porn.  These are all fact-based issues.  My wife (also a straight partner) asked her husband what was wrong after years of similar, almost identical treatment to what you are experiencing.  He fessed up that he was gay.  I'm not saying that's what will happen with your husband, but you've got a marriage in trouble and he owes you a conversation.

Good luck.



 

Thank you very much for your answers, it's nice to be able to talk to someone who gives you their advice.
You are right that my marriage has been dead for a long time... surely it is not necessary to look for more evidence and face the problem that I have.
I'll watch the podcast you told me...
Very grateful to all!

Thanks ellierig. Your words have given me a lot of strength!!
You are right, I am 43 years old, and I believe that I am still young and capable of having a new life... For a long time I have been seeing how I am not happy in this marriage, and finding this forum I have realized that I am ready to start again.
I am very grateful for your help, to each one of you...

MireP wrote:

Hi, I'm new here... I'm writing because I need help
I have been married for 14 years, my husband is a good person, and a good partner, and I know that he loves me and cares about me... But there has never been passion between us, nor good sex, nor moments of tenderness. ..
These are my reasons for thinking he may be gay:
- He explained that at the age of 15 he was abused by a relative 3 years older than him (when his family found out they made him go live far from his city with an aunt of his (rare when your son is abused that you make him go away and leave him sun...)

Sadly not surprising. I have know only a few guys that were abused or had their first time go wrong very wrong. One was at a camp and had the other guys write a  letter home about what happened. Two were abused by their uncle and when they told their parents, the parents did not believe them and the abuse continued. My take is that they were trying to break it up between the cousins fearing that they might turn gay but did so in one of the worse ways possible.  Some people have even throw teenagers out for being gay. 

- Currently we have been without any type of sexual relationship for 4 years, nothing at all. If I ask him, he says it's his fault for his abuse as a child.

Guys sometimes blame abuse for turning them gay. The problem with abuse is that they never got to sort things out for themselves.  Being gay is confusing enough by itself, and it takes some time before some guys can handle it.    People that have been abused also sometimes blame themselves for the abuse.  I do know that under the right circumstances at 15, I would have crumbled if the other guy started it. 

The other thing is that the really bad way that the first situation ended probably made it much harder for him to come out.  The biggest thing guys fear about being gay is rejection and that fear is what often keeps them closeted.  I would say that being banished to another city is major rejection. 

- I discovered on his phone that he watches gay porn, that he always ends up deleting the history...

Guys tend to look at porn that matches their sexuality. Straight men are not intrested in gay porn. 

- He is always with his co-worker, he always talks about him, and they are always together. But his partner is married with children....

The other things with gay is the emotional attraction to men. It is much harder to ignore than the sexual. It would draw you to another guy and make you want to be with him.

- He has never liked kissing me, and he also makes it fatal...

Gay kind of makes you want to cuddle, be close too, and be romantic with guys. You might like kissing a girl but it is more "She wants to be kissed, therefore I do it and I like doing it because it made her happy." vs. " I want to kiss him or he kissed me and it was fireworks." Oddly enough for me what finally made me understand what being gay was, was just that, a kiss.  

I don't know what to do, I don't know if this is enough evidence... I haven't talked to him yet, because I wanted to have enough evidence to tell him... or maybe this is enough
I've read posts here and I think we've all been through the same thing. I'm so glad I found this group...

I think you have enough but if you need him to admit it, you could be waiting forever.  It is very hard for guys to accept being gay esp. when there is more on the line like a relationship to a woman, children and so on.