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1 of 1- treestowerlikegiants
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It Was in the Way She Did It
Newbie here. Never thought I'd be typing this out because, 10 days ago, I had a girlfriend of 3 years. I spent so many trips going back and forth from the states to her home in the UK, meeting her family and her meeting mine, messaging every damn day for nearly four years, talking about marriages and houses and kids.
This latest trip I went over to her, we were so excited. I was going to be there for a month and we were finally going to be able to celebrate both our birthdays in-person.
My second night there, we have sex. The next morning, she's the coldest she's ever been to me. Not being in the same room as me, barely acknowledging my existence, waiting for me to get off her if I do any physically affectionate gesture.
Two weeks into my visit, she tells me she thinks she's gay. Not bi. Gay. And she doesn't know how she feels anymore. We cry and we talk and agree that we both need space and time.
And then literally the next morning, Poof. She's over me. Doesn't want me touching her. "You'll find someone." "You'll be OK."
She set a bomb off in my living room and then left me to pick up the pieces. And it's like I never mattered. I'm replaceable, interchangeable, worthless.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: It Was in the Way She Did It
treestowerlikegiants wrote:
.....She set a bomb off in my living room and then left me to pick up the pieces. And it's like I never mattered. I'm replaceable, interchangeable, worthless.
Welcome to our Forum Trees 
Your head and heart must be in a whirl.....(and I do know that's an understatement)
Have you read the First Aid Kit on the General Board?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Daryl
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Re: It Was in the Way She Did It
I'm sorry this happened to you. It's understandable to feel like this when you've been blindsided in this way. I know it's cold comfort, but imagine how much harder this would be in another 10 years or so, after marriage, kids, and at least one of you changing countries. You may never get the entire story. Do not make yourself into the villain here or spend endless hours thinking 'What if I had... ?".
I think there are two possibilities here. One - she knew but you were far enough away for your relationship to be more fantasy than reality. The full month visit raised the stakes. Two - she had an experience with another woman, intentional or not. This revealed the truth and that she couldn't continue pretending otherwise.
None of this is your fault. You can look at yourself and say you were all-in.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- treestowerlikegiants
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Re: It Was in the Way She Did It
Have you read the First Aid Kit on the General Board?
I have not! But I'll definitely take a look at it. Thank you!
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Thread Starter- treestowerlikegiants
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Re: It Was in the Way She Did It
I think there are two possibilities here. One - she knew but you were far enough away for your relationship to be more fantasy than reality. The full month visit raised the stakes. Two - she had an experience with another woman, intentional or not. This revealed the truth and that she couldn't continue pretending otherwise.
None of this is your fault. You can look at yourself and say you were all-in.
If there's any silver lining, I guess it's that I DID dodge a bullet in that she came out to me before this went any further.
Those same possibilities have been running through my mind too. She just shut down when I tried to keep talking to her about it. She said she coped via compartmentalizing. But I did manage to get a "everything became real having you here" out of her.
And I suppose there's a very real possibility she engaged with another woman. How would I know, being 4,000 miles away?
I guess this means I should probably look into getting an STD test...
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Thread Starter- Ordinary guy
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Re: It Was in the Way She Did It
Yep, could be a lot worse. My wife flipped 15 years ago and decided to keep it a secret while enjoying the financial benefits she had become accustomed to. I think the important thing to realise is this had nothing to do with you as a man and a person. There is a strong chance that she was in contact with someone who, how shall we say it. Showed her the virtues of eternal sisterhood. I am in contact with three men who have had this happen to them recently and need a lot of support due to the catastrophic injuries they are suffering. All of their cases involve young children as well as houses and finances. In their cases their wives are involved with groups or individual lesbians who have started advising them on their legal rights to money and finances. All of the wives have gone gay doolalley and have even forgotten their parental responsibilities. I understand all of what you are feeling and it can shake us men down to the foundations of what we believed was right. While “sexual fluidity” has become accepted more and more as a normal state of being. It does strike at the heart of those who are certain and comfortable with their own desires and orientation, leading us to permanently question that in others. You believed in someone who was probably uncertain about themselves while you were certain about yourself. Fluidity, chaos and even possibly self deception are her all in her world. Stability, honesty and integrity will always be in yours.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- treestowerlikegiants
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Re: It Was in the Way She Did It
There is a strong chance that she was in contact with someone who, how shall we say it. Showed her the virtues of eternal sisterhood. I am in contact with three men who have had this happen to them recently and need a lot of support due to the catastrophic injuries they are suffering. All of their cases involve young children as well as houses and finances. In their cases their wives are involved with groups or individual lesbians who have started advising them on their legal rights to money and finances. All of the wives have gone gay doolalley and have even forgotten their parental responsibilities.
My God.....I never realized how vindictive these processes can be for so many straight spouses. God, I'm so sorry!! That sounds positively abysmal!!
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Thread Starter- Anon42
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Re: It Was in the Way She Did It
Two weeks into my visit, she tells me she thinks she's gay. Not bi. Gay. And she doesn't know how she feels anymore. We cry and we talk and agree that we both need space and time.
And then literally the next morning, Poof. She's over me. Doesn't want me touching her. "You'll find someone." "You'll be OK."
She set a bomb off in my living room and then left me to pick up the pieces. And it's like I never mattered. I'm replaceable, interchangeable, worthless.
I got my news from my wife about a month ago, and after 14 years of marriage, with the kids and the house, and everything else.
I understand what you're going through. You're not worthless, it's not your fault, you did not do anything wrong, and you can get through this. You have a better life ahead of you.
And I think knowing that you "got off easy" should probably make you feel just a little better, though I understand that it probably does not help much.
I keep telling myself the same thing - at least my wife did not cheat on me (probably), still talks to me and is not requesting the divorce right now. And also I'm not that old to try that family thing again.
Last edited by Anon42 (May 26, 2023 5:09 pm)