lily wrote:

apologies if my questions were too personal, no offence intended.

I'm just going to say it again and then probably shut up because I do know that we are all going to spend the rest of our lives tiptoeing round all the, er well actually they are not the same as straight women, sorry.

Nah in a place like this debating gay vs. bi is rather like debating wither or not you should take action to protect yourself when a fire alarm has gone off. It does not matter what type of fire there is, you need to get to safety. 

Bisexual is not straight.  There might be a bit of love attraction involved but not sex.  Other than the sort of sex you can get with a dominating gay, sorry cross that out, bisexual man for whom the person is more like a sex toy.

I would agree with the first part. Bi is not straight but the second part less so. I think the problem is that a lot of straight women do not understand all the complexities that go with bisexuality or the risks that such a relationship involves. Even worse when the supposed Bi guy does not reveal this rather critical piece of information BEFORE starting the relationship.

The following is probably an incomplete list of the risks a straight women runs when it comes to but based on my own experience of gay, talking to other gay men, as well meet a few bi guys who probably had enough bisexuality to light a small light bulb.

1. The famous bi now gay latter. This is caused by gay men like myself and Sean who did not want to be gay. Lots of gay men go through a "bisexual phase". This phase wasn't about attraction to women but about my own not wanting to be gay. Mine was brief(a few weeks) and only ended with a kiss from a guy.

In my case like Sean the attract to men started as soon as puberty hit. Unlike Sean, I got into a situation where the fact that I was attracted to men forced me to deal with it before some unlucky lady showed up.  At the time I had just broken up with a high school sweet heart because it was not practical for the relationship to continue(She went away to College). I had kind of hoped we might start things up again at a latter time or that I might meet the girl of my "dreams" in college.
​
Kind of laughable now considering that all the hot dreams I have ever had in my life(and up till then) have always been with men.  My plan in life was to do what everyone else does get married(to a woman) and have kids.  In my case I went from "I need to know if I am gay" and sought out men for sex(note porn preceded this step). Well I liked the sex but then anyone might like being touched that way by anybody.  More sex, more excuses and eventually it wound up as " I will just do this until I marry" and finally I got that kiss and it was rather like that Faith Hill song.

​It was then that I understood that being able to have sex with men does not make one gay nor liking certain sex acts. What makes one gay is wanting to have sex with men and I knew what was missing and that my foolish idea of "It is just sex and it is not important" was about as realistic as time travel involving a blue box that is bigger on inside than on the outside. Oh and that situation involving being attracted to guy was the first time it wasn't 100% just sexual and the first time I realized that just running from attraction to men would not be a practical solution for the rest of my life. Luckily the ticking time bomb that was my sexuality blew at a time and in a manner where I could deal with it without the complications of being molested or being deeply religious, or being in a relationship with a women or being deeply homophobic and even then I also had to deal with a few misconceptions of what gay men are. 

2. The attraction to women might fade over time. I don't know this 100% but I suspect that for guys who don't have a large amount of attraction to women might tend to go gayer as they get older. As the attraction to men is the stronger of the two.  I suspect that as the sex drive dies down that guys who only  have a little more than my semiannual or biannual attraction to women(Thanks JJ for the laugh, and the truth) might have a harder time with being with a woman. And these days, I seem to have missed my biannual attraction to women. 

3. Guys that are truly gay might not understand that the lack of attraction to women is a problem. For a gay guy the attraction to men  often starts off as purely sexual not emotional. A gay guy might not get that cuddling, being close, and kissing is important and that passion is necessary ingredient in a relationship or that a women might want to be desired.  Gay men who have not come to terms with being gay are far more disturbed about wanting to be sexual with a man than the lack of the same for women.  

4. That the guys that are truly bi are well.....bi.  They are attracted to both and could potentially leave you for a man or woman. Some maybe able to be monogamous but the ones that are not able to be monogamous, sometimes are also not honest enough to inform the woman before getting involved. Also the woman might think the bi guy can simply ignore the homosexual side for the rest of his life(he might not be able to).  The bi ones I knew were not able or willing to ignore having heterosexual attractions or their homosexual ones.

Anyway more often than not I think that guys tend to be mostly one way(straight) or the other(gay) and that bisexuality is rare. 

Last edited by Diff I guess (May 6, 2023 10:59 pm)

Hello, I'm new and I would like to tell you my story in case you can help me...
We met at the age of 30, we got married and had a son... now we are both 43 years old. Can you help me understand if he is gay?:
-When we met, he explained to me that he was abused at the age of 15 (his 18-year-old cousin)
-We haven't had sex for 4 years, no kisses, no hugs... nothing...
-When we didn't have my son we could spend 5 days in a hotel and not have sex because he said he didn't like the hotel...
-In many of the times that we have had sex it did not reach the end (it did not run)
-I sometimes look at his mobile and find gay porn in his history... which he always ends up deleting...

Do you think these signs are enough to know that he's gay? I've never asked him or talked to him... I've told him that we don't have sex and he tells me that it's because of his sexual abuse that he had a very bad time... .

He has always treated me very well...he doesn't talk bad to me or yell, he always has gifts for me...but I think he sees me as a friend...but we don't trust either...

I have read stories here and I think we are all the same... I just wanted to know your opinion...
thank you!

no....I want to separate...but every time I tell her she gets so sad that I don't dare...I would like to have some sign to know for sure, or to know if she has been with a man, I want to know the true, but reading here I have seen that this is almost impossible....
I want to be happy... and with him I know I will never be...
How do you get to know the truth?

MireP wrote:

no....I want to separate...but every time I tell her she gets so sad that I don't dare...I would like to have some sign to know for sure, or to know if she has been with a man, I want to know the true, but reading here I have seen that this is almost impossible....
I want to be happy... and with him I know I will never be...
How do you get to know the truth?

I have a slightly different take on the abuse part. I think he is a gay guy. Porn plus lack of interest is kind of par for the course with gay men. However, if the abuse was from another guy, it might not have had any effect at all on his sexuality. 

At 15 I was very attracted to men and was in two situations where the other guy(adult) knew I was attracted but thankfully they didn’t do anything. I don’t know what happened in his case, but I can say this much.  I don’t think a 15-year-old guy is ready for it. 15 vs. 18 may or may not not have been abuse, but it probably was inappropriate (his cousin) and might not have gone well.  All I know was at that age, I was scared I might be gay, and hoping the attraction to men would go away not ready to experiment with someone esp. someone who was above my level in terms of maturity. 

What the abuse probably did was make it harder for him to come to terms with being gay.  Here is the thing sometimes after doing it and the rush of hormones fade, a gay guy who was a virgin may be put off by what he just did. Or a number of physical or emotional things could have gone wrong during or after. When I wrote this, I thought I would just give a list of what could go wrong, but as I thought about it the number of thing is just too many to count.  

 I think the abuse is just a distraction as to what is going on. The problem with gay is that he could be faithful and a marriage to a gay guy would not be easy for a woman.  

Here is my take. I don’t know what to do. The problem here is that if he reveals his sexuality, you will likely bolt for the door. And honestly, I can’t blame you. The trouble is that I don’t know how he will react if what is likely the sole support of his life decided to leave over him being gay and I also believe that you shouldn’t be his therapist and that he should not hold your life hostage. The problem is that if he tells you the truth he might just try harder to be “straight” or try to “fix” his abuse or he could grow depressed over his inability to be straight or his failed marriage.

What this guy needs is an environment of support to get over whatever fears and shame he feels about his sexuality. Gay or straight he is going to feel rejection about separating and may even feel like he is a failure (esp. a gay one).  

My advice for you if you should decide to confront him is this. Don’t say gay. Don’t even say bi. Use the term attraction to men or same sex attraction. Gay and Bi are words that are just too charged. Don’t mention his lack sex or attraction to women or to you or else it will just push him further on edge. Don’t be his therapist or be held hostage but do remain someone he trusts and if at all possible, remains his friend.  See if you can get this guy into some therapy so he isn’t leaning on you so much. 

 

Thank you for writing MireP. In reply: 

1. I'm lost and I don't know how I should act, and what you have told me is going to help me...

Glad to have helped in some way. 

2. I know I can hurt him by separating... but I think right now I'm hurting myself by being with him...

I completely understand. I would suggest reaching out to "Our Path" or you can create your own thread here to get advice from fellow straight spouses. 

3. I also have to say that my husband is always with his work partner, who is a married boy with two daughters. They spend all day together, and when he gets home they don't stop texting each other... on weekends too. I think they have something for a long time... at their job everyone says they have an affair. 

It sounds like your husband is currently in a long-term relationship with another married man. Dating another closeted husband/father is more common than you'd think; particularly in religious communities or in very conservative countries. While I don't have a lot of information, most closeted husbands stop having sex with their wives once they've had sex with another man. 

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation and please feel free to post again. In the meantime, if any straight wives have questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to post them here. Be well!