OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

May 10, 2023 3:29 pm  #1

What Do You Do?

 Hi All,

Long time, no message.  Quick recap, my MTF husband an I separated in January after we figured that we would not be able to continue trying to take things slowly during this transition process (she wanted to move more quickly than I could, I couldn’t give enough, she started HRT behind my back).  Since all of that time, it has been an emotional rollercoaster.  I’ve definitely been grieving the male husband that I knew, the life I was supposed to have, and a marriage.  

During the time since my last post, we have  both been doing a lot of soul searching.  She has kind of come out of the honeymoon phase of having total freedom after moving out to the realization of what she will be losing, etc. and I have been getting stronger individually.  However, we have now gotten to the point of seriously discussing divorce and thinking that it is the only way forward.  At least to me it is.  She says she still loves me and doesn’t want a divorce.  She is happy to even stay legally separated so that she can still take care of me…pushes for being roommates, etc.  But to me, I don’t want to keep her from who she needs to become.  I married a man and that man is who I loved.  This person is a stranger to me that I don’t know I would ever be able to love (not just the gender, but it seems like her personality has changed—of course she thinks she is still the same person just a different gender).

To me, if we were to stay together as roommates, it would have to be with boundaries.  Even if we were legally separated, or even still married but living our own lives in separate states I would not feel free.  Morally, I would still feel an obligation to her even if she didn’t to me.

I was all set on divorce.  Financially she was the breadwinner.  She carries the insurance.  I know there are assistance programs and insurance coverage is something I was planning on asking for in the divorce, and as scary as things were I was still ok with that idea.

That is, until a few weeks ago.  Years ago I suffered a traumatic back injury that left me almost paralyzed and with lasting repercussions.  I know I have PTSD from it that was never fully addressed.  So here we are, busting our butts to get a house ready to go on the market in June, sorting through a whole house and 23 years of items, and it happens.  My back goes out.  Suddenly all of those fear come crashing down on me again.  I have to spend time in bed to help recover, how will I work like this and support myself?  I can’t take care of the elderly dog.  I can’t take care of the house.  I can’t take care of the yard.  All I can see if my independence slipping away.  

I know that a lot of my mood and fear is being driven by being in pain, and that hopefully the pain is temporary.  But right now, all I see is what I won’t have.  I can’t take part in the hobbies I love, she will have to take the dog because I can’t care for her enough and that isn’t fair to the pup that I love, I’ll be forced into a living situation that I don’t want, etc.  Plus, what happens to me in the future when this happens again?  Who will take care of me?  This person is not a bad person, but it’s just not the person I chose, nor do I know if I would ever be able to fully trust her again.  I have no doubt that she would take great care of me with material objects, but what about my happiness?  I honestly don’t think that I will ever be able to see her without resentment, especially when things keep changing (she wants to do facial feminization surgery).

My health has really made me rethink my future and honestly I feel so stuck.  It feels like what sacrifice do I make?  If I  divorce, I will sacrifice my financial security and really good insurance, but I will gain my freedom.  If I stay married (legal separation isn’t an option because her company doesn’t recognize that as an option for dependent coverage) then I sacrifice my own happiness.  Honestly, I just feel trapped.

What do you do?  What have you done?


May 10, 2023 5:50 pm  #2

Re: What Do You Do?

My back waited to crock up til I had moved.  I get to bed and in the morning I couldn't get out of bed and I called my neighbours.  The husband turned out to be a retired doctor - he checked me out and gave me strong painkillers and reassured me it would improve.  Which it did.  

There's no doubt I struggle with the house and yard work.  I remember this point came when my ageing cat had taken to the garden, she was getting ready to die but still wanted food but she wouldn't come in the house for it and my back was so bad I couldn't get up the three steps into the yard so I threw a saucer of food from the back door like a frisbee, she was so surprised, and it landed right in front of her, no food spilt.

would I go back, not for all the tea in China.  I couldn't take the toxicity of the relationship - he was resentful of me but it should have been me resentful of him.  Your H sounds like a different kettle of fish but just as stinky.  My general health improved dramatically for moving away. 

so yes.  you have a difficult choice I can see that.  There are plenty of people who stay in irretrievably toxic marriages.  I don't envy them one bit.  I'd rather die alone on the bathroom floor, you know - really mean that.

But it's differing circumstances.  I was able to get away with enough to get my own home, it's a nice place to live.  I was so scared when I first moved but immediately I found myself in a more relaxed state than I'd been in for decades.  Mainly I was scared of being lonely but I am beginning to see that I have been making new friends, and very comfortable with living alone now.  I buried my lovely cat under the avocado tree, she had been a staunch friend for 17 years.  Now I have a new little cat, he comes from the shelter here and so he was born in the area, he has a long tail and can run very fast, I don't worry about him so much.


May 10, 2023 11:30 pm  #3

Re: What Do You Do?

I have serious medical issues. I struggle every day to get through the tasks required to "adult". My gay husband didn't give me a choice in the matter. He came out of the closet and told me he was divorcing me, all in about 30 seconds, and then left.

His benefits are phenomenal. When I lose them it means my medical expenses will take up an entire pay cheque/month. I'm still trying to figure out how all of this is going to work....

I had surgery a few weeks after he left. He did drive me to the surgery but had promised to take care of me for the first few days until I was a bit more mobile. He didn't. He had his excuses and I did it all alone.

I have 3 dogs and 2 cats (we had them, but they suddenly became mine overnight...with all their expenses, needs and requirements). The day after surgery I was trying to take the garbage out...the bag split open and incredibly stinky garbage spilled out. The surgery was on my face and jaw. So, I bent over to clean up....which increased the pressure in my head....and proceeded to bleed all over the garbage on the floor *face palm*

Since then, I have had so many things happen, go wrong, spent a lot of time crying on the floor and just plain exhausted. But. Every day I make it threw. Some days I want to say screw the whole strong independent female BS and give me a guy that will change my tire on the side of the highway in the dark when it's -40C out (yes....this happened....).

I had to have yet anther surgery 2 weeks ago. This time I didn't bend over right after lol.

It's terrifying. Some days I'm so overwhelmed I can barely function. It has been far from easy and my house is currently a disaster. But. All the pets are alive and taken care of and I'm still getting through each day. And, I'm having the odd good and great days.

It is possible. It's hard. It's not what I planned. And I still feel like the world is incredibly unfair. But...it's also empowering and enlightening as I see just how much I lost myself in the relationship and all the lies. And I am so much more relaxed in my own home now.


May 11, 2023 2:04 pm  #4

Re: What Do You Do?


Sorry your struggling.   You hit upon 2 things I think we all have in common;

I think we all lose a lot of ourselves in a relationship..that should be ok in a relationship with a normal person but our spouses are anything but normal.

It's a scary thing to realize that if you get sick or hurt these spouses would not help us or if they do would resent it.   I remember taking my wedding vows and thinking yes I could take care of her no matter what happened to her.  Little did I know to her that meant she could abandon and discard me with a change in the weather.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum