Welcome to our Forum Anon42  
My comments are in red 

Anon42 wrote:

We've been married for 14 years, have two kids. Our relationships grew colder and colder in the last years, we don't talk much, and have sex twice a year at best. And now she came out to me saying that she has lesbian feelings. I'm an almost 65 year old woman with a bisexual partner who I'm separating from after 38 years. We have 4 adult children. 
My timeline in short..
2017....my then-partner A (59M) emailed saying he wants to explore his bisexuality.
I read an article saying that most MOMs end after 3 years so I mentally gave it 3 years to see if it got better. 
After 3 years it hadn't so I said I could no longer have sex with him (this was the start of our uncoupling.
3 more years of indecision, researching, getting my ducks in a row. 
This year deciding I could do this no longer. Filed for separation. 

In all the 6 years A. kept himself contained, remote, often dismissive. When the person I thought I would love forever showed me an undeniable lack of emotion and an inability to display the kind of respect I thought our long history deserved....I made the decision to separate. I decided to save myself because I was sick of simply being in his life.... but along for the ride and superfluous.
She also says that these feelings and the way she can't fulfill them almost drive her to brink of a suicide.
Now, I can accept her as she is. I don't have a problem with her feelings at all, I don't really care. She says she can still have sex with me, but the fact that she's lacking women sex is somehow blocking her.​
Why don't you care? This is the woman you love who wants to fulfill something inside her that's probably been there simmering for years. Of course she can still have sex with you....you're her cover for who she really is and she has to keep you on board, feeding you titbits of caring, but maybe , quite possibly....becoming more distant and mechanical. 
Distant & mechanical (cold) sex is a great warning sign. You should've taken note of it long before this.
So basically, where we are now (after about a very rough week for both of us) is that she wants to have sex with women.
I'm ok with her feelings, it's even a relief to know them, but I'm not ok with her having relationships with other people. Again....why are you okay with her feelings? You can't have it both ways. You both want different things, have you talked to anybody about this...has she?
I've gone through some MOMs threads here and see that there are a few successful stories on the forum where SSA people decided to stay monogamous and their marriages succeeded. I'll always be skeptical of people who say their MOM is monogamous. Most straightspouses tell of years of gaslighting, suspicion and finally realisation their SO has hidden much of themselves for years so no longer deserve the trust monogamy should have.
I feel if she goes and have relationship with other women, this will break our family apart. I don't see how this can work. I'm maybe willing to let her do this as a last resort, in a faint hope that this will somehow improve our relationships. But I doubt that very much. Just thinking about this is really painful to me. It will be painful....there is no way past this without a whole lot of hurt. This board was started for this very purpose...as a soundingboard for straightspouses still in the marriage/r'ship who need advice and experience from those who are going/have gone through exactly what you're going through.

- Is my understanding correct that most couples in this situation just get divorced sooner or later?
- What should we do? Any advice is appreciated, I'm really devastated.
- Are there successful MOMs where wife has sexual relationships with other women? Does anyone have feeling how many of these are there vs where SSA partner decides to stay monogamous?
- Is there a possibility of us (or her) to talk to some woman going through the same experience (being a lesbian, but still successfully staying faithful to her husband)? Like really talk, via messages, or better yet a call?

Thank you everyone for your time.
 

Keep reading. I'm, we all are, here to answer questions. This is a marathon not a 50m sprint but know you will come out the other side of this a much stronger person

Elle
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 7, 2023 2:09 pm)

Hey Anon42... I'm on my phone so it'll be easier to answer one question at a time

""By this you mean he started dating other people?​""

No .I felt threatened immediately and we had days, weeks, months of tears, arguing, persuading. I said I would never be comfortable with him fucking and exploring with other people. He begrudgingly said he'd "stuff the feelings down" but that he'd be resentful.
It was 3 years of A. trying to win me round and me feeling like I was losing what I thought was mine.
In 2020 I did attempt to gather the information and support I'd need to leave but Covid happened so I backed off and waited, finally making the decision this year.
In the 3 years there has been no intimacy I know he has had seen people but since I was the one who said "no more sex" I've had to learn to let that not matter to me.
I stopped loving A.
Lost trust

E

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 8, 2023 2:33 pm)

Anon42 wrote:

.....I don't have any friends I could talk to about this. I haven't talked to anyone yet, will talk to a therapist soon and with a local OurPath support group when I have a chance. It's just been a week that I've learned this. A week in hell, I should add.
She talked to a member of a local LGBT community, once......

One of the first things that struck me was knowing I had to talk to somebody about this. That keeping it to myself was not good. But I was so apprehensive....scared...so the first person I told was my oldest adult daughter from my 1st marriage. Then I told an old friend who lives overseas (and has no contact with anybody I know) After that I tried two counsellors and the second one was the one I stuck with. Eventually all 4 of my adult children knew, and my sisters. All people I was pretty sure had my back.
You'll both have to talk with people of course but my advice is for you....take care of yourself. Eat well and exercise and practice deep breathing. Listen to me talking like a mother  haha

E
 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Slowly I began to understand the differences I had ignored all through our r'ship that were, to be honest, part of his personality (reservedness, abruptness, dismissiveness that I ignored because I loved him!)
...
Hold on to that feeling you have of not wanting her to act....because your initial thoughts about something so pivotal to your r'ship, I believe, is the true measure of what you want for yourself.

Thanks to this situation, I have indeed realized some of the differences between us as, as well as the things I'd like to get from a wife.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

There have been members here that have said they have that "complete" MOM. It takes a long time, and a lot of work I think... to build trust back. Personally I think one can never truly know how "with us" lgbtq spouses are.

Thanks, and I do realize that this is a lot of work. I'm willing to do it if the wife is on board, if there's a chance for success.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

No wait....what? You started doing something? I don't understand. Your wife is the one pulling away yes? so you both have to play a part. 

Yes, because in some situations, it's a man's fault that his wife is pulling away. And there are things he can do to improve it. Or at least, initiate the process. Though in this one, indeed, both have to play a part.

Ellexoh_hz wrote:

One of the first things that struck me was knowing I had to talk to somebody about this.
...
You'll both have to talk with people of course but my advice is for you....take care of yourself. Eat well and exercise and practice deep breathing. Listen to me talking like a mother  haha

Yeah, the need to talk to someone is tearing me apart. I'll do that pretty soon.
And yes, I do keep exercising and eating well. I need to have those small successes to keep going.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

I don't know you, or your wife so you both have to watch and listen to each other and work through it together but don't lose yourself in an attempt to keep your marriage together. You deserve to live life how you want to

Thank you, we will be at least trying to work through this somehow. Our kids are quite young ~10y.o., so I'd try very hard to keep them unaware of this.

Thank you for your time, they help keeping me a bit more sane.
And I failed to mention before - I'm really sorry to hear with what happened to you. But looks like you're somewhat past that, and you have your kids and other people supporting you, so at least there's that.

Anon42 wrote:

...... Managed to meet with a men's support group in the area...That's great news 42. Is it a Straightspouse group specifically?....

I'm coping with that by imagining that I can get a wife who would be attracted to me.... maybe I'm just not a worthy person to have such a relationship. Honestly 42....if I was you (and I was where you are 5 years ago) I would put all thoughts of worthiness for a r'ship out of my mind and concentrate on healing myself before I even entertained the thought of a new r'ship. Actually it wasn't long before I realised I would never ever trust another man with my heart so in a way it became easier to focus on me.

But I'll probably be fine. Can at least focus on work now, don't have thoughts about our future taking every moment of my life You will, you will be fine but this is a marathon not a sprint and you can expect your life to be up and down for a while yet....that is simply the nature of this beast we call the Mindfuck 

Elle